Never Let Me Go
by Dragodina
Summary: This is an Alternative Version of the CSI episode "Father of the Bride". The case hits the new Deputy Chief much deeper than expected. What are Sofia's real motives? And how had her life been after her departure? Contains OC and f/f slash.
1. Prologue

**~ Never Let Me Go ~  
><strong>

_A CSI story by Dragodina_

Rating: M

Main Character: Sofia Curtis

Introduction:  
>Hello to everyone who is giving this story a chance!<br>You're very welcome! I hope you enjoy reading this!  
>At first I have to make an important disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment not monetary purposes. Original characters and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended. The only thing that is my property is the character Alexandra 'Alex' Jenson.<p>

This is my very first attempt to write fanfiction in english and although my very first CSI fanfiction. My main language is german, but I have a wonderful beta-reader at my side. So all mistakes are his fault ^^!

Furthermore I want to point out that this story mainly contains femmeslash and focuses on romantic and sexual relationships between female fictional characters. So if you don't like this, then maybe you should not read it.

Due to the fact that music is a very important part of my life and passion, each chapter is going to start and end with song lyrics and at the end of every chapter the artist and song title will be revealed. The rights of those songs all belong entirely to the songwriters, producers and artists.

Memories and special thoughts will be written in italics.

At the end I really need to say a few "Thank you's": First of all I want to thank my friend John for his unlimited and loving effort, patience and support! Thank you Johnny Boy, you will always be my beloved 'big bros'! And second to a dear friend I found through our similar passion of writing at this site: Dani, thank you so much for your boundless and amazing writings! They made and keep me fleppicted ;)  
>Bear Knuddeltakk's to both of you!<p>

* * *

><p><strong>~ Prologue ~<strong>

_A falling star,_

_ fell from your heart. _

_And landed in my eyes._

_I screamed aloud, _

_as it tore through them. _

_And now it's left me blind._

_The stars, the moon,_

_they have all been blown out._

_You left me in the dark._

_No dawn, no day. _

_I'm always in this twilight._

_In the shadow of your heart._

* * *

><p>The Great Basin Highway from Boulder City was unusually quiet that evening. The day had been brought to a premature end by a dense, unseasonal fog which was descending slowly throughout the county, now only the occasional car lights fought to shine through the cold, dark night. Raindrops were pounding heavily against the windscreen of the blue Mazda as it drove through the night, before being swept aside by the windscreen wipers in a steady rhythm only moments later. There were not many other vehicles on the road, until now there had been only three cars on their way to Boulder, the opposite direction to that which the brunette woman was going. She was alone, on her way to Las Vegas. The lack of traffic was to be expected, as the weather had drastically changed within just a few hours from a wonderful, bright morning, to a dull, cool darkness with a heavy storm developing and hitting the town full force. A major thunder storm had invaded Clark County, it raged for hours until it finally faded and lost its power, it rained continuously for the remainder of the day.<p>

When she left the hospital around 9 a.m. at the end of her shift it was still raining. This was not the sort of day to go out unless absolutely necessary. Far better to stay at home, with your beloved ones, watching a movie, or reading a book. Until the stresses of a hard days work had faded out.

That was exactly what she intended to do. She was returning from work, back to her lover, to their six months old beloved puppy and to the house they shared together for the past ten months. They had not seen each other for all of nine days now. Nine stressful days in which they had only talked on the phone for many hours on a regular basis in the evening. Just hearing the voice of the other one gave them enough strength to go on until they would finally be together again.

She wanted nothing more than to call it a day, cuddle up with the woman she loved so much and finally enjoy a long week without thinking about work and just simply be with her, spending as much time with her as possible. It would be time to return to work for both of them soon enough. To be honest, much sooner than they both liked. She loved and enjoyed teaching the young medical students at the Boulder Hospital and the University and work at the same time as an emergency surgeon there, but it also meant being away from her love for far too long.

Her best friend and colleague at the hospital told her to leave as he saw her heading for yet another patient, knowing that she would easily pull another few hours of overtime unless he stopped her. He knew that the brunettes head was already thirty miles away in Vegas and he knew how happy and thrilled she would be to finally get back to her lover. He sent her away, wishing her a safe drive and winking at her with a knowing smile. He smirked, adding a "wonderful work free week with lots of heated body language" to his wish list.

Right at that moment, she would have loved to have wiped his smug grin from his face with her fists. But she let it slip, let him get away with it. Honestly, she had to admit that she silently thanked him and that she really was tired and exhausted, due to the last teaching classes and the double shift she took yesterday. Despite too little sleep and major hours of overtime at the hospital, the urge to finally get to her lover again pumped her full of adrenaline. She felt ready to accept the challenge of the long path of the Great Basin Highway and the difficult road conditions. She turned the radio a little bit louder, the song "Cosmic Love" from Florence & The Machine started to play on the speakers, her fingers slightly began tapping along the rhythm of the drums on the steering wheel.

In about forty five more minutes from the Boulder Hospital, she would finally be home. She was a confident driver, never had an accident in all those years since she owned her driving license. If the traffic stayed the same as it was, and the rain didn't get heavier again, she anticipated to be home in around half an hour.

The road ahead of her was wet and driving turned out to be a much harder challenge tonight that it would be under normal weather conditions. After her long day at work she really had to focus on the road.

The street turned out of a long left curve, ahead of a straight path for about 500 metres before another left turn came. In the distance she could just make out through the raindrops the shining taillights of a standing car at the roadside. She slowed down a bit, just to check, keeping half of her attention on the car, there was no other traffic to distract her. The vehicle seemed to be left, abandoned, she didn't see anyone around.

Then out of the blue, as she drew close to the other car, seemingly out of no where, a figure appeared right in front of her car. With no time left and unable to think straight she just jammed her feet on the brakes, hoping that these instinctive reactions alone would do the trick. With screeching tyres the Mazda slithered over the wet road until it finally came to a full stop after endless seconds that felt like an eternity. Another few seconds went by. Seconds in which she had to regain her thoughts, her mind seemingly empty had to realize what just happened, desperately she tried to catch her breath. Her hands clutched the steering wheel in a death grip, so much so her knuckles turned white.

Something came out of the bush. No, not something … someone! A person ran right in front of her car! As her brain finally caught up with the speed of her thoughts with the realization that she might have run over a human, she panicked. She was brought back to reality when suddenly the passenger door was violently ripped open. Just as she was about to jump out of the vehicle, the cold outside wind blew inside the car for a brief moment. As she turned her head in surprise to her right she came face to face with a gun barrel, pointing right between her ice-blue eyes.

Still in deep shock not understanding what was happening, she was unable to move, to think, even her breathing stopped for a tiny second. Until a rough venoumus voice shouted at her.

"Drive!".

But the shock still paralysed every part of her body, instead her gaze lingered on the figure before her, threatening her. A man maybe in his late fifties, wearing a dark and soaked worn out black sweater with the wet hood pulled over his head and an old blue pair of jeans. It seemed that he had been out in the rain for an eternity. After he pulled down the hoodie hastily, his short thin brown hair that already had a slight gleam of grey and his distinctive high but pale and wrinkled forehead became visible. His face was freshly deformed by many wounds and scars. But what most terrified her were his piercing dark shining grey eyes that showed his maniac expression with no mercy.

Suddenly a weird feeling nagged at her. She knew him. Somehow she had seen this face before. She just couldn't remember. Not even his defaced skin and the scars hid the fact that she knew this man, she had seen him before at some point. Thoughts were running through her head, she desperately tried to remember. But she wasn't able to put a finger on it …

His angry snarled instructions scared her terribly, and made her jump in her seat.

"Fucking drive!".

With shaking fingers and frantic heartbeat she slowly pulled the car back on the street, still the gun directed at her. Now aiming dangerously at her abdomen.

As the most touching part of the song played out of the speakers, her mind still fully caught by shock trailed absently along with the lyrics and trailed to her lover. She finally started to understand the whole extend of her situation.

She never made it home this time ...

* * *

><p><em>And in the dark,<em>

_ I can hear your heartbeat._

_I try to find the sound._

_But then it stopped._

_And I was in the darkness._

_So darkness I became__._

_I took the stars from our eyes, _

_and then I made a map.  
><em>

_And knew that somehow, _

_I could find my way back.  
><em>

_Then I heard your heart beating, _

_you were in the darkness too.  
><em>

_So I stayed in the darkness with you._

_The stars, the moon,_

_they have all been blown out.  
><em>

_You left me in the dark.  
><em>

_No dawn, no day. _

_I'm always in this twilight.  
><em>

_In the shadow of your heart._

_(Florence & The Machine ~ "Cosmic Love")_

* * *

><p>If you would spare a few moments of your precious time to comment about your impressions - positive as well as negative criticism - I would be very grateful.<br>For now, I wish everyone a good time.  
>Take care and stay safe!<br>Until next time,  
>Dragodina ;)<p> 


	2. Chapter I

For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.  
>I wanted to add, that the story title was inspired by the marvelous song "Never Let Me Go" from Florence &amp; The Machine.<br>Furthermore, I created two cover pictures which you can see on my ImageShack account. You can find the links by visiting my profile.

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter I ~<strong>

_I've fallen out of favour  
>And I've fallen from grace.<br>Fallen out of trees,  
>And I've fallen on my face.<br>Fallen out of taxis,  
>Out of windows too.<br>Fell in your opinion,  
>When I fell in love with you.<em>

* * *

><p>The whole team was shocked after that surprising encounter with their long lost friend and former co-worker, who now seemed to be Captain Jim Brass' new boss after all, leaving them totally speechless. Shock was an understatement, they were stunned and horrified by the harsh words that Deputy Chief Sofia Curtis had barked at them. The fact that her onslaught was entirely concentrated on Langston and Catherine made no difference, the entire left team felt criticized. Sara had to admit, the words of their previous colleague had deeply hurt, leaving a fresh stinging wound behind. Like a physical blow to the stomach, leaving you wincing on the cold ground. She even wondered if Sofia was aware of the powerful hurting assault that she had done.<p>

The cause of this scathing attack, was due entirely to the rat that was Nate Haskell. A serial killer who had escaped from prison, to terrify a whole nation with his brutal and at the same time bizarre murders.

But what really had haunted her, still hours after the encounter with Sofia, was the haunted expression of her normally clear ocean blue eyes. Although they hadn't seen each other for years, Sara remembered that Sofia's eyes were the most expressive ones she had ever seen. Whatever mood she was in, you could see it in these blue orbs.

_Eyes the window of the soul …_

Tonight those blue eyes were at least one shade darker then she remembered them. As if there was a shadow covering them. Those normally beaming blues were clouded with darkness. For reasons still unknown. Tonight she had witnessed something that left her with disbelief. But more important, it left her with worry. Worry over the woman she once called her co-worker … and friend. But the woman that faced her today was not the woman who she had worked together over years and saved her from the dessert when she was desperately fighting for her life.

Sara didn't quite know why exactly she searched for a special address in the police department database in the first place. Above all she didn't quite know why she was driving through the Las Vegas streets aiming for exactly this place after her shift had ended with some more hours of overtime. The Haskell case was way too important to just clock out in time. Now she had the oppurtunity to return to work four hours later, since Catherine ordered her to deduct them right away.

The rising morning sun behind her engulfed everything around her into one angelic golden light. At the moment she silently thanked the blonde supervisor for her stubborness. Now she had more time left for her ambition task not knowing how long it would take or how it might end. As she drove along, sunglasses on and the driver side window down, a light breeze cooled down her strained nerves, she glanced around without taking her attention off the road. When she arrived at her destination minutes later, she brought her Tahoe to a standstill. The house was located in one of the rare quiet areas of Sin City. The neighbourhood seemed very pleasant. She remained in her seat, closed her eyes for mere seconds and took several deep breaths.

_Why am I here? What am I doing?_

She could still leave …

But then what a friend would that made her? Instead she reached for the cars door handle.

Although she still had no answers as she was climbing up the veranda stairs to a beautiful bownstone house in Whithney outside of the metropolis. Her inner instinct told her just to do so. On the one hand there was this awkward feeling in her guts that told her something was wrong, badly wrong. The instinct of every true friend to help. On the other side the investigator deep down in her was burning to find out what it was.

She had finally cleared her head and found enough courage to knock on the wooden door, her mind finally realized what she was about to do. In the past she surely would have left by now. But not only Sofia had changed, Sara had too. She was more sensible now and was not hiding away anymore when it came to social encounter.

She had to knock again a little bit louder this time, because there was no reaction from inside. For a second the thought crossed her mind that the house owner was indeed not at home. But she had noticed the black SUV Ford Escape in front of the garage which she suspected could only belong to one special person. And she could swear she heard faint barking from inside the house. Hell, all good things go by three. Again she contacted her knuckles with the door, this time more forcefully. Indicating she wouldn't leave without at least a friendly "Leave me alone.".

An unnerved growling sigh and heavy footsteps behind the walls proved her right. But when the weighty door in front of her opened vigorously, her caution was blown out to the warm morning air.

There they stood face to face. Sara Sidle looking stunned at a highly intoxicated Sofia Curtis leaning against the door frame, leaving just enough space to let her figure be visible. The investigator was prepared for everything, she feared a tirade similar to what happened in the lab only hours before. Seconds passed by when none of them said a word, just looking silently at each other. Eyes were locked, seemingly hypnotizing the opposite pair, fixing the other woman just with their gaze, waiting till the other one would say the first words.

Sara was pulled out of her silent trance by surprise when Sofia spoke to her in a rather calm but irritated way, mixed up with a slight hint of surprise and annoyance.

"What are you doing here?".

At first Sara was just standing there, not able to reply. She needed another second to compose herself, to free herself from those expressive orbs that had captivated her once more in a short amount of time, because what she saw in them was so different from what she had seen all those years before.

_What was it with these eyes?_

What startled her most was the fact that what she saw in Sofias eyes all the time at work tonight hadn't changed at all. She could still see this cover over them. There was this visible darker shade of blue. Still the lost and haunted look.

_Why had she become so fragile? So lost and broken?_

Sara could only remember two occassions when she had seen the blonde woman in front of her so distracted that left her torn apart. First was the horrible shooting where she was falsely suspected of killing an officer during a shoot-out. The CSI team had found out that not Sofia but her Captain at that time, Jim Brass, shot the fatal bullet. The second incident was during the miniature killer investigation. The team wanted to trick the killer and faked one of his minitaure scene which left Sofia observing the suspected crime scene and looking over a young female officer that played the role of the next victim. The gruesome outcome was that Officer Kamen died during the mission through carbon monoxide poisening right in front of Sofias eyes and she didn't even recognize it. Both events tormented her, leaving her doubting everything that she ever worked and lived for.

_Like a ghost in the crowd._

There, back in Grissom's office and right after Kamen's death were the only times Sara had seen this sorrowful expression. The frightening fact was that at that time Sofia's look was not as intense as it was today. This time it hit her much deeper.

A quick examining look over the blondes' appearance revealed that she was still wearing the same clothes as she did at the crime lab, which was nearly twelve hours ago. She even had her working boots still on. When the investigators eyes came back same level as the blue ones from Sofia, she noticed the very first time how bad the woman looked. Deep dark shadows formed around her beautiful eyes that were now full of horror. Together with her sunken cheeks it made her look tired, exhausted, older.

Out of the blue there was a black shadow coming out of the house, squeezing its way through the door and Sofia's legs. Her attention was taken away from the blonde by a sudden whirwind around her own legs. A young dog welcomed her effusively, sniffling at everything he could reach wagging it's tail in the process. Sara didn't know much about dog breeds but assumed that he was a crossbread, that contained at least an Australian shephard, a hovawart or a retriever. As he realized that not his beloved second mistress was waiting at the door, he disappointedly let his tail down. Sorrowfully he shifted its gaze, looking at his other owner, his expression matching the blonde ones. Without taking her eyes from Sara, Sofia whistled once and made room for the dog which slowly went back into the house dejected, now hanging his head and ears.

Sofia became more and more restless and at the same time even more drunk.

"What do you want?" she hissed more impatiently.

Still surprised from the sudden welcome, Sara got more encouraged. She smiled shyly at the blonde, simply ignoring her harsh comment.

"I wanted to welcome back an old friend.".

Her 'May I come in?' died on her lips.

Sofia fixed her with her gaze, nearly piercing through her. Searching for something, anything. Mock behind the hazel eyes, maybe a lie. But she found none. Another second past in which she considered her options. Something inside her made her silently step back into the house, leaving the door open for Sara to follow. The brunette exhaled deeply, breathing out a silent thanks, she didn't notice that she held back her breath by the piercing look from Sofia.

Slowly she followed her into the house, closing the door behind her, after passing the treshold she was caught and illuminated by a cold and unpleasant atmosphere. It wasn't coming from the decoration of the house or missing colours on the walls. Let alone the fact that outside of the house the sun slowly started to heat up the city with its golden, beaming light. On the first impression, the house was very inviting, with warm colours pulling you inside and making you feel comfortable. Cozy furniture that looked noble and elegant but not exaggerated. From what she saw the rooms were lovingly decorated and suites were furnished with attention to detail. The only thing that seemed to be missing, though, was a special atmosphere and spirit.

Suddenly Sara stopped in her tracks. The young black dog waited in the hallway, sitting there with pricked up ears, eyeing her suspiciously, a warning growl escaping his throat. A sign of attention and alert, not aggression. The joy of the appearing visitor had vanished and was instead replaced by protective instinct. He clearly had expected to see someone else at the door. But there was a stranger now. A stranger in his territory. And he had to make sure to protect his beloved owner with all his might. Sara sensed that she had to at least show the dog that she was no danger and kneeled down on the floor. Slowly extending her left hand for the dog to again sniff at it. He whimpered, took his head down and hesitated until he slowly stepped back to her. Just enough that his cold snout made contact with Sara's hand. He sniffed a bit longer at her hand than moved around her, still exploring her. When he came back in front of the brunette she showed him her other hand. She smiled when his tail slightly started to waggle again and began stroking his long soft black fur. What didn't changed was the look in his eyes.

"What happened to your mommy and you?" she softly whispered as if the dog could undestand and answer her.

"Flinn!".

When his second mommy shouted from the living-room he immediately spun around and hurried to her side.

Sara stood up again, let her eyes wander unconsciously around, spotted some framed pictures which she assumed were portraying the blondes family. At least she recognized an older but still good looking version of Sofia, her mother, Captain Annabelle Miranda Curtis. Though she wondered now, she hadn't seen or heared from the female Captain in ages. Sara further followed Sofia, which she had lost sight of, through the foyer until she found the blonde woman again in her huge living-room and combined kitchen. Since she wasn't requested to take off her shoes and the fact that Sofia weared hers too, she just left them on. In the middle of the room stood a cozy looking red couch and a matching coloured fitting armchair. In front of both was a chestnut coloured table. The walls were fitted with bookshelves and cabinets that had the same colour as the living-room table. Opposite the couch and armchair, Sara saw a modern and highly technical home cinema, containing an impressive forty two inch large panasonic plasma TV, DVD-CD and high-tech Dolby Surround System. To its left stood an old but massive open masonry fireplace made of firebricks. The kitchen area was connected to the living-room, just visibly seperated by a dinning table and four chairs located around it.

As she took it all in, a sudden suspicion overcame her. Everything appeared to be perfect. But at the same time something seemed to be out of place, seemed to be missing. Maybe someone was missing?

All thoughts were forgotten when the brunette first looked more closely into the living-room, it took her breath away and she stopped right in her track. She looked in sheer disbelief at the scene before her. On the big knee-high antique wooden table in front of the couch lay numerous fast-food bags, five different glasses, one of them still containing half of the filled liquid and several empty beer bottles. The table was covered with countless sheets of papers and folders which she identified to be work related thanks to the LVPD sign on top of one folder, although Sofia had used her encounter with the dog to arrange most of the paper chaos. Clothes were carelssly tossed over the armchair, a blanket lay sloppy on the couch together with some pillows. Beside the couch lay a brown blanket on the wooden floor on which a braided dog basket had its place. But Flinn prefered to lie right at the foot of his mistress, keeping an extra eye on Sara. Just in case …

The thought crossed her mind to have a quick glance at the kitchen but she resisted the temptation.

_Did she really want to see that?_

All in all a picture of desolation , something that Sara never thought would exist in the home of Sofia Curtis. She really had expected something else.

She carefully admitted. "I hope I didn't disturb anything.".

"Honestly said, yes you did." came the sharp reply.

_Yeah, of course. Another night session of studying case files._

After shaking her head slightly to regain her balance she looked up and stared at the blonde woman, who just sat a few feet away from her on the couch, trying to arrange some of the left papers and putting them back in their files. She seemed to be so focused on her work that Sara thought she might have forgotten her presence altogether.

As if Sofia could read her mind, she stopped her actions and softly spoke with a slightly, almost apologetic voice.

"I don't seem able find time to clean up proper lately.".

Was she kidding? Lately? What an understatement. This chaos seemed to exist for quite a while now.

"Just don't tell me that you drank all of them tonight, please." Sara said pointing to the beer bottles on the table in front of them. A six-pack that was.

"Nope.". Sofia's walls were high up and secured with wire mesh fences. It would be a pretty hard task for Sara to get to her.

Getting an honest answer she nodded shortly. "Good. That's good.".

_What had happened to her? Where was her mind?_

She really must be in a state of delirium.

When she stepped closer she got a better view of the papers and realized with surprise that they were case files from all investigations that were ever be connected to Nate Haskell. Interrogation interviews, psychological assessment, crime scene reports, even the trial files. Everything related to this sick bastard. The whole scene was all too familiar to her. It remembered her of the sight she had witnessed at Ray Langston's house only a few months ago. He, too, was completly engrossed in the investigation against the lunatic man, obviously loosing his sanity in its progress. When she looked around once more, realization dawned on her. The same seemed to happen now to Sofia, as well. She was completely obsessed.

_Who was the real workaholic now?_

She sat down beside Sofia on the couch, leaving just enough space for them.

Abruptly, Sofia stopped in her track and eyed Sara.

"What do you want?".

Her voice was cold and inapproachable.

"And please cut the crap and save us time. Just tell me why you're here.".

Okay. She wanted to play bitch. Wanted her to be straight, then Sara would be straightforward but diplomatic. She knew she had to be careful.

"The way you abandoned us tonight left us … aghast. And worried. Not to mention that your words were pretty harsh on all of us.".

The blonde dropped the folder she was just holding on the table in front of her and let her head sink in her hands. She really wasn't in the mood to discuss her flip out. And especially not the reason why it happened.

But honestly, what other reasonable choice remained for her? An inner conflict which she had been dealing with for far too long now and that sapped her energy, eating away her last remaining substance. She didn't have anymore strength left.

"Look …", she snarled, "… I know that I lost my temper. And I'm really sorry for that. But I have my reasons. And I can't change what already happened.".

"You could ease the damage." Sara suggested softly.

"Maybe … I might do that … but not today. I'm way too …".

Sara cut her short, as requested,raising an delicate eyebrow. "Exhausted?". Her gaze just dared Sofia to deny it. The blonde quickly glanced away, not able to stand Sara's piercing look.

Instead she mumbled, "Kind of.".

"No surprise. You're drowning yourself with work, even at home.".

Sofia barked back. "That out of the mouth from the woman that always maxed out her overtime as long as I knew her. Sorry, but you're not exactly the right person to lecture me about seperating private and working life. Thanks.".

Again, harsh words out of the blondes mouth. Like a slap to Sara's face. It seemed like anger was the only thing boiling deep down inside her. But Sara didn't spit back, she waited for Sofia to cool down, than she answered very calmly. There had to be a reason for the other womans aggression and she was all willing to find out what caused it, no matter how long it took or what costs.

"Sofia, people change. Even I do. Did. But just for the record, I never brought case files home with me. And you don't know me as well as you think you do, Sofia.".

"Well, ditto.".

A heavy unpleasant silence descended over them.

"You have to understand. Leaving without a word and disappearing for years without a sign is one thing.".

"Oh please … don't bullshit me. I know a certain person that did exactly the same thing.". Sofia's eyes seemed to burn her.

"Yeah, but coming back out of the blue, telling us all that we screwed up our work and calling us incompetent is another one.".

"I already said that I'm sorry …".

"I know Sofia, and I could understand it better if I knew your motives".

The blonde became quite restless. Unable to sit still any longer, abruptly she jumped to her feet, hesitantly she walked over to a wide window and glass sliding door that lead out into the garden.

Sara watched her silently, following the blonde with her eyes. It was obvious she had hit a sensible spot.

Sofia looked out into the morning, the sun shining intensively, creating a beautiful summer idyll. She rested her hands on her hips, just watching the peaceful nature outside, debating her possibilities.

What to say, what to do? She felt so incredible conflicted from the inside.

Her hands changed, with her left arm she hugged her own torso and the right elbow rested in her left hand while her right one covered her mouth. An evidently self-protective mechanism. She felt the upcoming sting in her eyes. She felt weak, felt vulnerable. But she knew she couldn't break down in front of the brunette. Flinn was alerted by the sudden change following her with his eyes, he stood up and slowly walked over to her, standing at her site asking her if she was alright. It was such a cute picture.

"Reasons that you won't understand.". Sofia's defeating weak voice cut the thick atmosphere.

"Try me?". It was the way that Sara suggested it, the gentle and warm sound of her voice, that broke her. Even now, after all the shit that she had thrown at the brunette and at her team, her friends, she was still offering her help. This had been no interrogation, but a patient, genuine offer of help to a friend. The plan was for Sofia to gain enough trust, to make her own decision if and when she would open up to the brunette, let her set the pace. An act that surprised Sofia and simultaneously proved the brunettes former statement. Sara had indeed clearly changed. The person that Sofia had learned to know a few years ago had started to open up and become more sensitive to the world around her. Her marriage really seemed to have an incredible positive influence on her. Any other person would have left after the blondes rough words and harsh behaviour. Sara however stayed. She stayed after the unfriendly welcome at the door, she stayed after seeing the desolate state of her household, she stayed after another few harsh words.

"It's none of your buisness.". Although she stayed stubborn, even though her walls were crumbling. She knew that Sara deserved better. She wished she could take the offered olive branch, but she couldn't. As easy and relieving and promising as it sounded, it wouldn't solve her problems. No it would make everything even more complicated and difficult.

But at the same time, she had to face the truth. She had failed. She had failed and she didn't have a clue how to proceed any further. She pondered her options carefully.

What did she have to lose? Right now she was at a point were she would lose the one thing that she held deeply in her heart. If she hadn't already lost it anyway. Just because she wasn't able to do her work, to solve her problems alone, because she failed miserably. Everything that she did now was an act of desperation. Therefore Sara's words, even if the brunette wasn't aware of it, held an ambiguous meaning for Sofia.

Sara got the hint and bagged off, at least for now. "Okay.". It seemed that she had to regain the trust of the blonde all over again. Something that saddened her, Sofia still had her confidence since she and her other colleagues saved her out of the desert. People she all called her friends. People that owned a special place in her heart. That was a connection that wouldn't break so easily, at least she thought so.

She, too, slowly rose from her seat, started walking around the table. She had spotted two framed pictures before on a shelf beside the tv, that had drawn her interest. Slowly she walked over to them, trying to think about a way how to show Sofia she could talk to her, open up to her. For whatever it was that tormented Sofia she would listen.

Flinn had already chosen to sit down beside Sofia, every now looking up at her, searching for eye contact. He made sure to cling closely at her right leg to give her some sort of comfort. Her eyes absentmindedly drifted to the brunette, unconsciously fixing on the obvious wedding band on her right ring finger.

"You know, marriage really suits you.", with a nod of her head pointing to the brunette and a slight motion of her left hand she pointed to Sara's right, "It does you well.". Grissom did her well. Sofia at least tried to be more amiable towards Sara, she already proved that she wasn't here to eat her alive. And after her comforting manners she could really cut her some credit and meet her halfway. She looked down at her dog and started caressing his black haired covered head. She didn't even have to lean down any further, in his sitting position the dogs head was on a level with her hips.

"Thanks. Yeah, it feels really good. I'm wondering, how do you know?".

"I have my sources, don't worry.".

Sara thought for a moment. Since the blonde obviously didn't stay in contact with her former colleagues, where did she get her informations from? Sara's very first guess had been the talkative Greg, but he was ruled out. Maybe her mother was the mysterious source, or Jim?

The blondes voice caught her back. "When did Grissom and you marry?".

The brunette thought if she wanted to gain Sofia's trust again, she had to be the one to be honest in the first place. "A while after he quit his job here in the lab and came after me to Costa Rica.".

Sofia turned around, sending Sara a sincere but suppressed smile. "When I heard about it, I was really glad for both of you.".

Sara in response smiled her thanks back at Sofia. After short hesitation she asked, "So, since when are you the new Deputy Chief?".

"I made it half an year ago."

"Wow, then belated congrats.".

"Thanks." Sofia's reply was nothing more than a weak whisper, that the brunette barely recognized. In the blondes opinion, the promotion hasn't been a blessing. Rather the opposite. Right now it felt like troubles began when she had accepted the position.

Sara's gaze stayed at the blonde, eyeing her very cloesly. Then she looked at the pictures more precisely.

The first one was seemningly taken during late summer months and showed two women and a little black puppy, Flinn, in a park. The golden sunshine illuminating them, making it a absolute snapshoot of pure perfection, love and happiness. The women were both sitting on a blanket that lay above the grass, leaning against an old huge palm, Sofia embraced a young brunette woman from behind who sat between her legs, leaning against the blondes front. The little black puppy, his right ear kinked, climbing on the dark haired womans thighs, its tongue lapping out at her. The photographer did capture the perfect moment which the two woman were seemingly not aware of when the dog hit the brunettes face with its tongue, the tinier woman made a slight grimace and Sofia started laughing. Her face radiating with bliss and love.

The second picture simply showed the same women on their own. It seemed they were talking to someone and the brunette woman choose exactly that moment to turn her head to the right and with a mischievous grin playing on her lips pressed a soft but passionate kiss to Sofia's left cheek, who in return started blushing hopelessly, grinning like a love sick fool.

Suspicious by Sara's silence Sofia, who had successfully suppressed her tears, turned around and saw what the other woman was looking at.

Sara pondered in her mind if now was the right time to make a move? If she could risk to cross the border?

"Is she some kind of family member?". What a stupid question. Even though she didn't really know if Sofia had siblings, especially a younger sister, this pictures were obvious. She just wanted to leave the door open for the blonde. Giving her an – admitted – lame possibility to back off with a lie. In that case Sara would finally leave her alone.

Instead she was surprised when the answer came prompt, without hesitation.

"She's my girlfriend.".

"Oh, okay."

There she stood, all weak and vulnerable. But not ashamed of her feelings, she stood for her love, stood for the fact that she loved a woman.

Sara could clearly hear the pride and love in her voice.

And if only this one fact alone worked wonders, a faint smile appeared on the blondes face. A single smile since an eternity, she had to admit. Her eyes lit up just for a brief second and she felt fresh tears welling up. Although she long thought that she hadn't anymore tears left to cry. The truth was that she still cried herself to sleep through exhaustion.

But just a moment later the blonde was violently pulled out of her happy trance by the brutal reality. The beam in her eyes was gone and was instead replaced by the ordinary sorrowful lost look that accompanied her for far too long.

"Sorry for my reaction. I just didn't knew that you were interested in women.".

"You couldn't.".

She didn't know what to expect from Sara, didn't know how she thought about same-sex couples. How would she react by the sudden outing? Would she feel disgusted by it? Would she withdraw and take back her offered help? Or would she simply turn around and leave?

Sofia wouldn't be surprised, the brunette wouldn't be the first one to react like this and abandon or dispise her. And sadly not the last one either.

But it didn't seem to bother her at all. She even surprised her further, starting to make conversation and really seemed to be interrested.

"What is her name?".

If Sara hadn't been paying thorough attention to the blonde, she would have missed the brief instant of hesitation and the almost silent sharp intake of breath.

"Alex.", she paused slightly chuckling, "I mean Alexandra. Alexandra Jenson. She doesn't like to be called by her fullname.".

This time it was Sofia who observed Sara closely. Clearly waiting for something, searching for any reaction from the brunette. Something in her eyes changed. But nothing came and she didn't quite know if that was a good or bad sign.

"She looks very handsome and kind." Sara replied sincere, seemingly not aware of anything.

"She is. She definitely has her heart in the right place. She's the most openhearted, georgeous, amazing and passionate person I've ever met.".

Deep down inside her a nagging feeling began to rise. Something the brunette couldn't explain. It was like she had heared that name before … or not? Jenson … could it be? Could it be true? Could she really have seen that face before? Should there be more? But why couldn't she remember it? Normally Sara had a pretty good memory. Why did she feel she knew this person when her mind was clearly blank, she had seemingly no memories and came up empty? Shaking that ridiculous thought aside, she thought about the huge coincidence that would be, wouldn't it?

But at the same time there was still this fleeting moment from the blonde just seconds ago hanging in the air, which Sara didn't quite know how to interpret at all. Could Sofia know something more than Sara? Something that she possibly left unspoken? Again, she pushed the idea away. Why on earth should the blonde do that? There was no good reason for her to do so. Sara really didn't seem to be able to think straight and rational anymore today.

Instead Sara turned again to the pictures, giving them a quick look until she realized that what she saw there matched the emotions she felt with Grissom. Smiling, she looked back at the blonde who had turned half of her body torwards Sara, still cradling Flinn.

"You both really look happy. You're a cute couple.".

That said seemed to break Sofia completely. She fought. She fought with all her might not to loose it then and there. Her right hand again went up to cover her mouth, desperately trying to stifle her sobs. Moments later she wished at her eyes, wiping off the escaping fresh single tears. The only witnesses of her inner turmoil.

Flinn was highly alerted, looking patiently at his mistress. Wincing and making contact with her leg again, glancing up to Sara as if he wanted to plead her for help.

"She isn't here?" Sara asked blatantly out of the blue.

And that was the moment when she had to make a final decision. The decision that could change her life. The decision that could save or cost the life of her girlfriend.

Start to entrust someone else the life and faith of her love? Start to admit her own failure? Start to let the brutal reality sink in? Hand over the reins? Let everything slowly but steadily slip out of her hands?

Again, what could she lose? Everything that she fought for seemed to be already lost, was taken away from her. And what was left to Sofia was just a tiny weak gleam in the eternal darkness. At this point when everything was hopeless she needed all the help she could get. And one person was standing in front of her, offering help if only Sofia would decide to take it. A person that already proved she was sincere. The person whose life she had saved.

Sofia's voice trembled, nearly tears choked.

"She … she was kidnapped.".

* * *

><p><em>Sometimes I wish for falling.<br>Wish for the release.  
>Wish for falling through the air,<br>To give me some relief.  
>Because falling's not the problem,<br>When I'm falling I'm in peace.  
>It's only when I hit the ground<br>It causes all the grief._

_(Florence & The Machine ~ "Falling")_

* * *

><p>Again, if you want to spare some time and comment about your impressions - positive as well as negative - you're very welcome. I would be grateful.<br>For now, I wish everyone a good time.  
>Take care and stay safe!<p>

Dragodina ;)


	3. Chapter II

For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.  
>Thanks to all the people who added this story to their alerts and even their favorites! Further thanks to my dear friend fleppy for your sweet review and support! Thanks all for the feedback! You peeps made my days brighter since fate wasn't very nice with my family. But life goes on, we have to move along and this is my way of distracting myself.<br>Anyway, here goes the next chapter and as always, I hope you enjoy reading.

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter II ~<strong>

_My skin is like a map,  
>Of where my heart has been.<br>_

_And I can't hide the marks,  
>But it's not a negative thing.<br>_

_So I let down my guard,  
>Drop my defences,<br>Down by my clothes._

_I'm learning to fall, with no safety net,  
>To cushion the blow.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Sofia's voice trembled, nearly tears choked.<em>

"_She … she was kidnapped."._

Sara looked stunned at Sofia, but when the words reached her brain she finally understood the hints, the long missing final connection clicked in and her gaze wandered to the case files on the couch table before she returned her eyes to Sofia.

Then it hit her, full force.

The woman in front of her was losing herself, broke down in front of her. A single tear that the blonde could fight no longer escaped her eye and slowly made its path down her cheek, paving the way for further irrepressible drops. Her gaze locked on Sara's hazel brown eyes as if she wanted to see pity and blame. But what she found in them instead was pure deep sincere sympathy.

As if numb, she did not register that the brunette had advanced towards her. She was unaware that with four long steps, Sara had closed their distance, not sensing that she suddenly but gently invaded her personal space. What she did feel was a strong pair of arms that embraced her unexpectedly, pulling her closer so that Sofia's head was resting against Sara's neck. Her own body reacted to the contact, she gasped and started trembling violently.

But as the seconds passed by it faded, she started to relax and put her arms around Sara in return, thankful for the allowed moment of weakness. Relieved that she no longer had to pretend to be strong, as she was far away from that, but instead, vulnerable and exhausted. Grateful for the fact that she could collapse and that someone was there to hold her, catch her, comfort her.

Flinn chose that moment to make room and walk over to his basket, laying down and watching the new found friend comforting his mistress. Sofia started sobbing heavily, which developed into an uncontrollable, intense break down. Sara's hold became stronger around her, her right hand wandered into Sofia's blonde hair, the left one still resting on her lower back, making sure to maintain body contact. Sara started to whisper soothing nothings to Sofia. "Sshhh. It' okay. It's fine. Just let it out. Let it all out.".

The only audible noises in the house were heart wrenching sobs.

She wondered at the incredible impression and influence the brunette woman had on her girlfriend. How deeply the young woman had touched Sofia's heart, held a special treasured place there. How much she affected her even though she wasn't physically present. Although it felt like she was there, her spirit lingering all around them.

It was loving, but frightening at the same time. As if they were soulmates. She secretly envied Sofia for that kind of connection and she hoped that her and Grissom's bond was just as intimate as theirs.

Neither of them knew how long they stood there, embracing each other. And honestly they didn't care at all.

When Sofia's crying subsided, Sara held her at arms length and looked in her eyes. She was startled when she saw the blue orbs were swollen and red from crying. She hadn't noticed Sofia's tears. Only now, when she shared a quick glance down her own, she recognized the wet patch on her blue shirt. Sofia followed her eyes and saw what her crying had done to Sara's clothes. Pointing to the shirt and totally embarrassed by her weak moment she mumbled "I'm sorry, I owe you …".

Sara just shrugged it off smiling and winked at her. "Nah, that's what washing machines were made for.".

Seconds passed by in which they remained silent. When she felt that Sofia didn't need her comfort anymore, she stepped back an inch to give her more room and to give her the opportunity to regain her own self-confidence. The blondes first move was to embrace her own lower abdomen with both arms, dropping her gaze down to the floor.

"Come on. We will sit down and then, we'll have to talk.".

All she got as an answer was a barely recognizable nod from the blonde. Again both sat down on the couch, still space between them. Sara turned so she was able to face Sofia who just sat there hunched-over, her elbows resting on her knees, her hands nervously fumbling with each other. It was obvious that the brunette had to start their unpleasant but inevitable conversation.

"How long is she gone?".

Sofia swallowed heavily which didn't go unnoticed by the brunette. It was hard to talk about it, all over again. Every new question would make it even harder for her to form the words as they became more real. With every further answer it became more and more apparent that this was only the beginning of a much more intense conversation that she will have to endure with her colleagues. This was the beginning of her trial. The start of awkward questions that would deeply affect her private life. The only difference this time was that Sara was more of a listener than a cop. Although her investigator instinct had already kicked in, Sofia was sure of that. She assured herself that it would be better to confide in a friend to begin with.

"Three weeks ago she was in Boulder, she's an efficient trauma surgeon, the best you can get in the west of the country, arguably one of the best in the whole state, although she would never want to hear this. Graduated and got her MD at the School of Medicine in Reno, you know part of the University of Nevada. Anyway …" again the blonde caught herself rambling.

"Normally she works at the Desert Palm but several other medical schools had already requested her knowledge, her abilities and skills to teach their students. Even the American Medical Association and Universal Medical Center wanted her to be a part of a new modern teaching program.". A hint of a ghostly smile appeared on her face, she talked with such affection and passion that clearly showed how proud she was of her girlfriend and how deeply she loved her.

"They said they wanted students and other colleagues to learn only from the very best.". She lingered a few seconds longer in her memories, before she went on.

"At first she refused but we talked about it and soon after she changed her mind and agreed to give speeches on a regular basis. That meant being away for a few days, not longer than a week at one town for a specific time. Like being away for advanced training. It started six month ago and was scheduled to go for a full year, but they're trying to keep her in as long as possible. Lately she was in Boulder, helping to teach the med students there, but also helping out with their understaffed emergency room. This was always to be a short-term decision. As she heard that the hospital was so short of staff, she offered to step in and help out. But she always insisted that she wanted to come back to Vegas and Desert Palm for good ... for me. Her last station for the next weeks was supposed to be Boulder City, before taking a short break. She stayed there for one and a half weeks. We would have had a full week vacation after that … but she never came home.".

"Am I right in assuming that you believe that Haskell kidnapped her?".

That was something that Sara couldn't quite understand. How could Sofia think that of all things? Had Haskell taken her girlfriend? There was no evidence to substantiate this. She had to push a little bit more because she knew that the blonde would never consider such a thought without being totally sure about it without irrefutable proof.

Sofia took a deep breath. She knew all too well what lay ahead of her. She went through this countless times. Now came the difficult part and the one that hurt the most.

"Yeah.".

"How did you know? I mean if Haskell really has her, we would have known. We're all over this case. We would have found out sooner or later.".

"I didn't suspect it at first, as her parents called it in as a simple 10-57, missing person.".

"Her parents? Not you?".

"No. I wanted to avoid stupid questions … and work on her case.".

"Ah, okay. I get it.".

"I talked with her parents and we agreed that they would call it in. Even my mother lectured me not to do it. They all said that they thought it would be a risky idea. But I didn't care.".

Sara saw the point of the families doubt and she clearly understood their position. If certain details were disclosed, it could cost Sofia her job. And she knew how much the blonde loved her work. But it was obvious now that her love for the young brunette woman was much more intense. She was treading a very thin and dangerous line there.

"Sofia, you don't have to justify yourself to me. Honestly, I understand what you did. Maybe … I think I would have done the same.".

"Thanks.".

"But that doesn't explain why you think that Haskell, of all people, has kidnapped her.".

"Like I said, it wasn't my first guess either.".

"So what made you think that it was him?".

Sofia took a deep breath, leaned over and took her mobile phone from the tiny table. She sat back down and made some quick moves on the keyboard. Until she finally found what she was looking for and handed it over to Sara. Flinn watched his mistress moving, eyed her closely, ready to rush back to her side if needed. But right now, she seemed fine and strong enough on her own, so he stayed in his basket, his sharp eyes not leaving her.

"I got this.".

Sara looked at the screen and was horrified. She saw the beautiful woman, Alex, from the pictures. But there was nothing reminding of the happy and relaxed brunette. She was terrified, striving to keep a stern and neutral face, trying to stay strong. But you could see it in her eyes. You could see the degree of terror in them, the deep fear for her life. Business took all over as she noticed the poor quality of the picture with sorrow, but maybe Archie could do some magic with his computers. The picture itself was unclear, way too dark. Wherever this shot was taken there wasn't much light to expose contours. Maybe it was made in the evening or at night time or shot in a building without any light source. The only thing she noticed by the first glance were tiles in the background.

"It's not the only one. He sent me a few more pictures, and two videos. The last one I got was five days ago.".

That meant that whoever had captured her, about four weeks ago, Alex was still alive. Had been alive at least five days ago. But if it really was Haskell, then why this drastic change of his M.O? That was totally out of character. Normally he would have killed his victim by now, but this? But still, the pictures and videos alone where no proof that Haskell was the kidnapper. There still had to be more. Over years of working together both of them started to learn to know each other better and Sara trusted and admired the blondes keen perception. She knew that Sofia wouldn't suspect Haskell to be the kidnapper of her girlfriend without any good reason.

"Twenty-four hours after we had reported her missing and before the picture was send, I got a call.". She sighed heavily.

"A male voice, didn't identify himself. He said that he had something that belonged to me and that I had to play a game to get it back.".

Sofia took her mobile from Sara when the brunette offered it to her, she made a few quick clicks and handed it back.

"Four hours after he sent me the first picture I got this video. It was then that I realized who has her.".

This time it was a low-quality video file, showing exactly the same as the image posted before. The movie was highly pixelated and just like in the pictures that she had seen before, there had been only a really dim light source. Out of the darkness Sara was only able to make out silhouettes. Again you could see the brunette woman, again she had that stoic yet terrified expression in her eyes. Again you saw white tiles behind her. The only difference this time was, that her arms were chained above her head. She had to look intently, but saw the young woman was bleeding from her nose and temple. A gruesome sight, especially for Sofia. When the camera angle changed a little to the right, the very well known but bandaged face of a short haired skinny man appeared on the screen, his expressional and striking grey eyes gleaming dangerously into the lens. His features were infolded by the gloom around him. Only seconds later after his appearance followed his unmistakable insane voice, slightly distorted, echoing through the room.

"_I have something that belongs to you, Chief Curtis! Try and get it back if you can, dyke!"._

Nate Haskell. There was no mistaking.

She could identify and recognize his face, those unmistakable eyes and voice everywhere, under all circumstances. She would never ever forget that remarkable lunatic voice, his intense face features or the fact that this seemingly thin and fragile man held such an intense and horrible dark power inside of him, the like of which she had never witnessed before over many years of working as a crime scene investigator.

The young dog growled as he heard the strange sounds, held his head and ears down. Slowly he stood up and made his way over to Sofia, wanting to protect her.

It was as if the sudden appearing voice started to contaminate the whole house, lingering above everything, capturing it, striving to start a battle for dominance with the still strong present and never fading ghost of Alexandra Jenson.

"There is something else.". Sofia still held her head down, facing the floor while she spoke. Her voice clearly showing her desperate struggle to stay as calm and professional as possible.

"Two days after this strange call I received an anonymous letter. It was directly addressed to me. Containing only a piece of paper with the handwritten message that I should be ready to play to his rules to get her back … ".

Suddenly her voice was choked off and she hesitated again.

Sara waited patiently for Sofia to regain her composure. Whatever had stopped her, it had to be something that deeply and emotionally struck the blonde Deputy Chief.

She had her eyes closed, squeezed them shut in a way as if she was tormented by a migraine and bit her bottom lip in a way that she soon after tasted the distinctive savor of blood in her mouth.

Minutes passed in which Sofia fought against the gruesome reminders that Haskell had send her. When she finally found her strength again, her voice was trembling

" … the letter also contained a few complete strands of bloody brown hair. We found epithelial tissues … and traced the DNA … as hers …".

She took a deep breath before she was able to continue, a combination of rage and pain clearly lacing her voice.

"This fucking bastard ripped it out of her scalp.".

Sara took it all in, silently listening to Sofias words. Despite the forensic matters, several other ideas ran through the investigators mind.

"He addressed all this directly to you? Disclosing that he knew your name and police rank. Could it be that she told him? I mean, don't get me wrong, but at one point he found out about the connection of the two of you and about your position. Maybe he forced her, to get the information he wanted …". Sara tried to avoid saying the obvious , tried not say out loud what was really on her mind – beating, abuse, torture. The past had taught them about the brutal nature of Haskell and the fact that he had placed the hair inside the envelope and how he got it was proof enough that he would not stop his violent intentions. Alexandra Jenson was at the complete mercy of her sanguinary abductor. She feared that Haskell might have used force to get his hostage to talk. Right now she had to be very careful and sensitive, for Sofia's sake.

Although the Deputy Chief knew very well what Sara wanted to indicate.

"No. No she wouldn't tell him anything. Under no circumstances. Not even under force.", she desperately tried to block the visions of brutal abuse and crude violence directed at her girlfriend, "She's stubborn and as brave as hell. Wouldn't say or do anything that put me in danger. Sometimes I wonder which one of us works for the police force.", Sofia faintly smiled and glanced at Sara. "She reminded me of you. I guess you both would like each other, would really get along. She can be such a pighead at times. Made it hard for me to get close … but when she started to open up just a little bit torwards me …". A sad smile played on the edges of her lips.

"This letter you just mentioned. Do you still have it?".

She shook her head. "No, it's at the Boulder City Crime Lab for analyzing. But they couldn't come up with anything. Well, aside from Haskell's fingerprints. But otherwise they didn't find any clue about where she might be. There was no date stamp on it. It seems that he had posted the letter right at the PD.". Her voice became more and more dejected.

It didn't take Sara long to come up with another idea.

"Did you try to locate …?".

Sofia interrupted her. "Of course, we tried. We traced the call back to a phone booth in Henderson. But we weren't able to put the signal of the photos and videos, it always came out blank. We assume that he used disposable cell phones, every time a new one, which he only used once and threw away afterwards. No traces of where she could be, where he is holding her. Nothing … ".

But Sara didn't give up that easily and she wanted to give her friend some hope, even though she knew that with every new passing day the chances for the young woman to survive would decrease.

"Sofia, the fact that he sent you this, means that she could …".

Again Sofia cut her short, anticipating exactly were Sara wanted to go with her sentence. No need to sugarcoat the truth. "Could still be alive. I know. But I'm running out of time.". Fresh sobs escaped her throat, new wetness stinging in her eyes.

Flinn now sat beside Sofia, pressing his left side against her right leg, to give her as much comfort as possible.

"When exactly did he start to send you the files? After the call I assume.".

"Yeah, after he called me. That was about twenty four hours after we called her in missing. I tried to call her countless times, left her just as many voice mails. But I never reached her.".

Again she was falling into deep despair. Depression and desperation were only two of many nasty companions through the last weeks, which left her doubting her work, her ability, everything she lived for. New tears started to well in her eyes, which she tried so hard to fight.

Sara felt for her friend. She reached out and very gently stroked her left arm in a comforting manner.

"It's okay. Who else knows about it?".

"Only my mother and Alex' family.".

"And the police officers and CSI's that worked the case with you?".

After drying the fresh tears in her eyes with her sleeve she answered, her voice choked with sorrow.

"Well yeah. But they don't know about my personal conflict of interest. We called our colleagues from Boulder. CSI's from day shift investigated the crime scene and the letter.".

"Do you know how he took her hostage? Do you know what exactly happened?".

Sofia took a deep breath, holding the air down in her lungs, exhaling many seconds later with a sigh. Her hands came up to her face, burying it in them. As if to escape the cruel reality just for a few moments.

Flinn sensed her growing torment and moved, nudging her, finally putting his head on her knees. She looked down and smiled faintly at his concerned behavior, somehow his comfort gave her new strength. She started to cradle his head as she went on talking.

"She was on her way back home from Boulder Community Hospital. Like I said before, she taught the medical students and helped out as a surgeon there at the same time. The weather was bad, it was raining heavily, the street conditions were pretty nasty. But she chose to drive all the way from Boulder to Vegas anyway. We think that Haskell, due to the fact that his getaway car was damaged and unable to be driven anymore, took the first opportunity he got, stopping the only passing car, taking the driver hostage.".

Sara listened carefully, keeping a straight face, storing all the facts in her mind, already painting the picture in her head step by step.

"Do you have any evidence for your theory?".

The ghost of a chuckle left the blondes lips. There Sara hadn't changed at all. It was still all about the evidence. Old habits die hard, they say.

"A driver from Vegas found a car on the side of the Great Basin Highway. He called it in. Not Alex' car, but assumingly one that Haskell stole before. The car-owner request came back to a building worker from North Las Vegas, who had reported his car missing about twenty four hours earlier. The CSI's found dozens of Haskell's fingerprints and hair, matching his DNA. At the same time I was worried sick and tried desperately to call her. I left her messages. I called her family and friends to see if they knew where she could possibly be. I feared that she might have had an accident. I mean with the weather conditions and all, out in the forest, in the dark, it was still raining and bloody cold.".

Sara remembered the day all too well as the huge thunder storm, called "Marina", hit Clark County heavily and covered everything with dense, dark clouds, drowning them with one of the worst rainfalls she could remember. The thought of being trapped somewhere, maybe unconscious, severely injured, exposed to the severe storm unable to free or help yourself left the investigator with goosebumps as a cold shiver ran down her spine.

The blonde gasped, gripped by the horrible thoughts and scenarios. She just realized how similar the incidents were. Sara knew all too well what it meant to be trapped helplessly under a car out in a wilderness. Even though she had learned to deal with the horrible ordeal and accepted what she had to go through, she was still all too aware of the painful memories. The brunette cleared her throat uneasily but was saved by Sofia, who started talking again.

"Fuck … I'm sorry … I was being thoughtless. I'm really sorry if this brings back old memories for you.".

"You don't have to be. It's okay. I'm fine, really. Just go on.". Sara assured and encouraged her to continue.

"When I was about to drive around to search for her by myself, my mother called me, saying that a patrol had found her abandoned and burnt-out car outside from Henderson. CSI's found her watch in the trunk, a gift from her parents, which they had given her the day she got her M.D. and it had a special engraving on the back including her name, they were able to find not only her prints and DNA, but ones matching his too. I rushed over where they had found her car and … I … they … ".

She stopped, unable to find the words that could express the horrible scene she saw. All the pictures and emotions were still too fresh and too deep. As if all the terrible memories overwhelmed her as if in trance she was suddenly taken back to this black horrible day, standing in front of her girlfriends destroyed car, facing the driver's door, looking at the blood-smeared side window in total disgust and sorrow. Back then she had lost the fight against the acute nausea turning her stomach, excused herself just in time, hurried away from the crime scene and threw up in the safety of a bush. Right now, she had the same feeling again, the sickness again rising by the awful memories, but today she was able to fight it off. Her stomach was almost empty anyway. When she spoke again her voice was trembling, more a whisper than anything else.

"… there was blood on the drivers seat, on the driver side window and in the trunk … her blood …". She buried her face in her hands again, sobbing, trying to escape the memories, the pain, the anguish.

"Wrong time, wrong place." Sara muttered under her breath. Fate could be so cruel sometimes. She reached over and pulled her friend in her embrace. This time, it was a silent comfort. There were no words of consolation left, nothing she could say would make anything better for the blonde. Sometimes silence was better than random words. Long minutes passed in which she just held Sofia tight until she slowly let go.

Sofia breathed deeply, trying to regain her composure. Cradling Flinn she started to calm down her nerves. But the memories were all too clear before her inner mind. Whatever she would try, she couldn't escape them. They would haunt her forever.

Still leaning her elbows on her knees she couldn't bear to face the brunette. Instead she looked down at her black dog.

"Bryan, her co-worker in Boulder and one of her dearest friends since school, told me later he sent her home when he saw that she wanted to pull another hour of overtime. I called him an hour after I couldn't reach her and asked if she was still at the hospital.".

There was one thing that was still puzzling Sara, leaving a bittersweet taste in her mouth, she hesitated before asking for an explanation. Something just did not make sense, she just had to know, and only Sofia could tell her.

"Sofia. Why the urge to call in the feds?".

"We had a strong suspicion and evidence that showed he could leave the country to Mexico. A few hours after he had abducted her, both of them showed up at the Bank of America branch at Silverado Ranch Boulevard. The observation cameras caught them. They were there for about thirty minutes. Somehow he forced her to close one of her accounts and completely disbursed her invested money. Six thousand dollars were payed out in cash. I watched those surveillance tapes over and over and over again. And at one point I saw how he was able to make her obey to his claims. He was not only threatening her with a gun, but also carried a grenade. I'm absolutely sure he threatened her that if she wouldn't do what he wanted, he would blew up the whole building and all people inside.".

Sara wondered. "Nobody got suspicious? Not even from the staff?".

Sofia only shook her head. She still couldn't believe the truth herself. She had been astonished herself as she realized that no one became suspicious by the amount of money that had been requested. "No bloody soul in there was getting doubtful.", she paused but continued a moment later, "Alex explained she needed the money for a new car and that her father, Haskell, was there to accompany her. That's what the staff member told me.".

Sara frowned. "What? And they took it that easily? I can't believe it …".

"Yeah …". Instinctively Sofia's rage and disappointment flared up, her right fist clenched and she balled it in a death grip.

At this point she sighed deeply, releasing her fist and instead hiding her face in her palms just for the slightest moment, only to withdraw her hands a second later, gazing off in the distant.

"Two weeks ago he was seen at the Sahara Station in Paradise Road. Witnesses said that he spend a good while at the tourism counters. I talked with the employee serving him and she told me he sternly and explicitly asked for the fastest possible means of travel to Mexico. She also mentioned that he said the costs wouldn't be a problem. When he turned from the counter, he looked directly into the camera. And believe me, he knew exactly were it was. I will never forget the expression of his eyes and face. He pulled something out of his pocket … it was her scarf … drenched in blood. The bastard even mocked me, saluting into the lens.".

Sofia clearly remembered the day she had watched those tapes with deep sadness. It was the first night ever she wittingly considered that her girlfriend might be dead. That her possible murderer already made new plans and had long before abandoned her corpse. That she would never see her again. That she would never find out what happened to her love. That she would never find her peace again. That life would never be the same again.

"His leaving to another state, meant I would lose her completely. It would mean I failed her … mean that I would give up on her. I'm not able nor ready to give her up. I'm not ready to let her go.".

Sara nodded in pure sympathy. The words of her friend touched her deeply. They reminded her of words she said once to Grissom. At the same time she understood the hidden message. Letting her go, giving her up, it all meant only one thing: Facing her possible death.

"_I'm not ready to say goodbye."._

She could remember these special moments so vividly between her husband and herself by heart, as if it was only yesterday. Instead, years had passed and they were still together.

"But you know, by calling in the feds you'll get yourself into a lot of trouble. They will ask questions. These questions you tried so hard to avoid. Questions that will lead to further intimidating investigations and interrogations. You know yourself well enough just how this proceeds. They will dig as long as they need to get their answers. They will reach the point were you're personally involved. And then they won't back down when you tell them to fuck off and that it's none of their business. They won't leave you alone because of your personal conflict in this case. Sofia, the FBI investigation will be a lot nastier. They will rip you apart. You could even possibly lose your job.".

Again fresh tears stung in the blondes blue eyes and she whispered.

"If that is what brings her back to me. Then so be it. I really don't care at all. I would do and give everything to get her back safely. Whatever the costs.".

A deep silence fell and weighted badly on their shoulders, neither of them felt brave enough to break it. Both of them became unsure about how to continue. Sofia's confession lingered heavily in the air.

Sara eyed her closely before addressing her. "When are you expected back at work?".

"As soon as possible." even if Sofia was at first caught completely off-guard by the question, the reply came rather too fast for the brunettes liking.

But at the same time she figured that for tonight it was enough, the amount of explanation had been done. Above all, the blonde Deputy Chief needed an emotional break more than anything else. And if she was really honest, Sara knew that she could use the intermission as well.

"Sofia, no. I mean when did they tell you to come back to the department?". Sara knew all to well that the Sheriff had given Sofia a day off to clear her mind, to recharge her batteries and compose herself. This was sound advice, but Sofia had chosen to ignore. She would find out soon enough what would happen if she continued to neglect herself.

She sighed but answered honestly. "Not until tomorrow morning.".

"Okay, that leaves you plenty of time. And when was the last time you slept properly?".

Sofia shrugged. "I've no idea. Really, I can't remember. Everytime I try to sleep I can't stop thinking. Occasionally I collapse and black out for a few hours, not more than three or four and then I wake up due to nightmares.".

Sofia started to massage the bridge of her nose and then her temples. A heavy migraine started to work its way into her skull. She was totally surprised about her openly reply.

Sara eyed the various fast food bags on the table. "You did eat?".

"A little bit, yes.". No need to say that it was only a bag of Chinese instant noodles which she didn't even finished.

"Okay, then you're going to catch up with some sleep now. Come on.", Sofia had already opened her mouth in protest and was about to express her disagreement when Sara's determined voice stopped her. "No argument on this, you're going to sleep now.".

She stood up and offered her hand to the blonde, who took it and was pulled to her feet by the brunette. Flinn stepped away from her, but followed her every step right on her heel. Due to the intense headache the world around her started spinning. She felt unsure of her own steps. Sara noticed her struggle and pulled her right arm around her hips.

"Okay, take it slow. Lead the way. You really need to get into bed and rest.".

Sofia simply nodded her head. She wasn't able to do anything else anymore. Then Sara's voice reached her again. "Up the stairs?". Her question was answered by a slight nod from Sofia.

Led by Flinn they made their way out of the living room to the stairs that lead to the second floor together. Sofia hesitated as her weak legs protested to take the first step. With her head still throbbing she took hold of the banister with her right hand. As Sara recognized Sofia's still insecure steps, she pulled the blondes left arm over her shoulder to support her. Carefully and with Sara's help she lifted one foot after another and slowly they made it up the stairs. When they reached the second floor Sofia indicated to the door on the end of the right side. They passed the first left doorway, which lead into the guest room together with a guest bath. Across from it was another smaller room, probably assumed to be a children's room or maybe a home office. Flinn walked in front of them, opening the closed door of the bed room for the women by getting up on his hind paws, easily pulling the door handle down with his weight and further widening it with his snout. He walked over to the bed and waited for the two women to follow, carefully watching over his mistress.

Slowly they went towards the solid wooden sleigh bed that stood in the middle of the bright room. Sara helped Sofia sit down on the mattress, she steadied herself by placing both her hands on either sides of her hips, her head bowed. Sara kneeled down in front of her and put her fingers under the blondes chin, forcing her softly to look up and see into the investigators eyes.

"How is the headache?" Sara asked concerned. She could see the slightly glassy gloss of the ocean-blue eyes and knew that the other woman had worked herself to burn-out, again. She reached her hands down to the blondes work boots, never breaking eye contact with her as she started to ease the laces.

Sofia sighed, exhaustion had already taken over her tired mind, frustrated that she was that easily comprehensible, but helpless at the same time due to the still growing throb in her head. She felt like a little girl again. "Getting worse, I guess.".

"Do you need any painkillers?".

The brunette had already undone the laces, pulling on Sofia's boots to get them off.

"I have them here." with her head she pointed to the nightstand and reached over, just to get stopped by Sara, who held the boots in her hands and put them aside.

"Good. I will get it for you. I suggest you go to the bathroom, and get yourself ready for bed. If that's alright with you?".

Sofia was only able to nod her head. Under two very observant pair of eyes she already tried to get back on her feet. After the short break, she felt a little more confident and the vision in front of her had ceased spinning.

"Good. Do you need any help?".

Slowly the blonde strolled over to the bath right next to the bed room, her dog not leaving her side once. "No, thanks. I'll be fine.".

"Okay. What about some water?".

"Yeah, that would be great.".

She reached for the boots and stood up. "Then water it is, I assume it's in the kitchen. I'll be right back. Take your time.".

When Sara walked out of the bed room into the landing, boots in hands, she heared the water of the shower getting started. She further went down the stairs, turned left into the living room and then again right to the kitchen. She put the boots back down on the floor, she would bring them to the foyer later. Not knowing where exactly the water and glasses were, she rummaged through the cupboards. Finding the water bottles next to the fridge and the glasses in one of the upper boards. She took one of the bottles and a glass, together with a small bowl, a towel and an ice pack she had found in the freezer. Just in case the headache would be as insistent as her own were often.

With the things in hand she went back to the bed room, Sofia was still in the bathroom but the shower was no longer running and Flinn lay protectively in front of the door leading into the bath. His head shot up as he heared someone approaching but he relaxed when he sensed Sara's presence, already tolerating her in his territory.

Sara placed all her items down on the nightstand and turned the bedside lamp on, then she walked over to the windows and balcony, shutting the curtains. Darkness always was the first and best way to calm a stupid headache. Before the room turned totally black, she let her gaze wander casually around. It was the same picture as the ground floor below her. The same image of chaos in a rather harmonic appearing ambiance. She caught sight of two framed pictures standing on a shelf across the room, the first one showing both womens families together while the second was a loving shot of only themselves. Under normal circumstances this room gave you the feeling of harmony, safety, freedom.

What destroyed the picture of perfection was the untidy state. The bed was not made, blankets were tossed away and pillows were totally wrinkled. Clothes lay on top of a chair in front of the balcony window. It looked like Sofia didn't spend much time in this room anymore and seemed to prefer the couch downstairs for sleeping.

Just as she had closed the last blind, the bath room door was opened, Flinn jumped to his feet and Sofia stepped out, only wearing a grey LVPD shirt and black boxer shorts. For a brief moment her eyes had to adjust to the dim light.

Sara turned and looked at her.

"Hey. The water is on your nightstand, and I found an ice pack, just in case the nasty beast won't leave you straight away. Well, at least it works for me sometimes.".

Rubbing her neck, Sofia smiled. Feeling the exhaustion, stress and worry of the last couple of weeks finally getting the better of her as she went over to her bed.

She reached into the nightstand, grabbing an orange prescription bottle out from which she removed two pills, aspirin, and took it in her mouth. She then picked up the glass filled with water, took a mouthful and with throwing her head back in a quick motion she swallowed the water together with the pills. After pulling the blankets up and making herself comfortable under them. Slowly she started to relax, snuggling into her bed and the covers, deeply inhaling the still lingering scent of her missing girlfriend. It was hard for her to get her mind to switch off. Her thoughts were still racing in her head together with the still present migraine pounding against her skull.

Meanwhile Sara made her way to the door, ready to leave Sofia by herself to give her the well-needed rest that she had deserved and craved for far too long. But before she left, Sara made sure that the blonde was alright.

"Is there anything else that you need?".

"No. You have already done so much for me …".

"Don't worry. My pleasure. Flinn and me, we will be downstairs if you need us.". The dog had followed his new found friend to the door.

"You know, you don't have to stay.".

Sara just shrugged into the semi darkness, even though nobody else actually saw it. "There is nowhere else I would rather be.". With that she made her way to the door. Just as she was about to exit and close it behind her, the broken voice of the blonde reached her ears.

"Sara … ".

"Yeah?".

She had to listen carefully to understand Sofia's words.

"Thank you. For everything you have done for me. Thank you so much.".

"Hey, it's fine, really. You're more than welcome. Now, just rest. Tomorrow will be a new day. Get some sleep.".

Then she left and closed the door behind her, leaving it open just an inch. She looked down at the young dog and patted his head. "Come on, kiddo. Let's leave her alone for a while and let her rest.".

Together the dog and the investigator walked down the stairs into the living room. Flinn looked back up at her and yawned deeply.

"Poor boy. Go and take a nap, Flinn.". She patted his head once more and indicated to his place. He nudges her leg gently saying his thanks, wagging his tail before he gladly strolled over to his basket, snuggled up and closed his eyes. He, too, fell victim to the merciless exhaustion in no time.

Sara lingered in the open doorway from where the hallway and stairs led into the living room. She eyed the mess and already started to make a strategical plan up in her mind. Then she stretched her arms and fingers and walked in to begin her battle against the chaos.

"Better get started.".

* * *

><p>When the door was finally closed, Sofia was totally engulfed in darkness and felt the weight falling from her shoulders. Left alone with her own racing thoughts. She let out a deep breath, reached out and turned off the bedside lamp. Then she slipped back under her blanket, wrapping it tightly around her body and closed her eyes.<p>

Even here, in her own bed, it was like torture. Her mind was still working on maximum speed not able to stop. Like Alex' spirit wouldn't leave her wherever she was. Everything reminded her of her lover. Everything smelled like her girlfriend, the blankets, the pillows, even the stupid towels in the bathroom. She actually had used her shower cream, in order to have her scent around. They had spent so many beautiful and memorable hours in here together. Laying in each others arms skin to skin or sometimes still in their clothes, snuggled up, holding one another close in their warm and safe embrace, making sweet and passionate love together. Memories she held dearly and deeply deep down in her heart like a treasure.

As she just pulled the blankets further up under her chin, she had been unaware of the fresh tears in her eyes running down her face. She was again heavily sobbing through shuddering teeth. And once again, totally exhausted, she was to cry herself to a very restless, tormented sleep.

* * *

><p><em>I bruise easily,<br>So be gentle when you handle me._

_There's a mark you leave,  
>Like a love heart,<br>Carved on a tree.  
><em>

_I bruise easily,  
>Can't scratch the surface,<br>Without moving me.  
><em>

_Underneath I bruise easily.  
>I bruise easily ...<em>

_(Natasha Bedingfield ~ "I Bruise Easily")_

* * *

><p>Again, if you want to spare some time and comment about your impressions - positive as well as negative - you're very welcome to leave a review.<br>For now, I wish everyone a good time.  
>Take care and stay safe!<p>

Dragodina ;)


	4. Chapter III

For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.  
>Again, thanks for still sticking along and to those who put the story on their story alert list!<br>This update took a bit longer ... well just look at the length and you know why. But the last days and weeks had been some kind of busy for me and held some unpleasant surprises.  
>I'm just happy that now the waters more or less soothed and I'm finally able to update.<br>To the length of this chapter, well what can I say? Huh, I just got carried away a bit by my imagination and the words and ideas kept flowing so well I couldn't bring myself to split it up into single pieces*g*. In addition, I think this chapter is even the one I prefer the most.  
>The whole chapter is written in italics and in second person pronoun. If you can remember the introduction from the prologue, that means its a dream andor memory scenario.  
>But now enough of my rambling, just check it out. I hope you enjoy reading ;)<p>

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter III ~<strong>

_I hear silent whisper,  
>And I know you're a ghost.<br>I watch your shadow linger,  
>And I feel your ghost.<br>How long, how far,  
>Do I need to go?<br>Before your splinter heart,  
>Opens up,<br>And takes my soul.  
>My soul …<em>

* * *

><p><em>It's one of the most intense feelings, to which we are susceptible: The irresistible attraction between two people who meet for the very first time. This first impression has a stunning interplay of many details. Facial expressions, odour, body language, postures, smiles, hands, eyes, the first words …<em>

_Following maybe just a moment later, by the most indescribable feeling of happiness that reaches, and overwhelms one's very soul, hitting you like a tidal wave, driving you insane, this is just the start of countless surprising reactions from your own body. _

_Your heart begins to beat faster. You can hear it's echo pulsing in your ears. You can feel your own body heat rise as your blood is pumped through your vessels at the greatest speed. You feel the temperature around you rising. You feel your cheeks starting to burn treacherously. You feel a strange lump building in your throat, making it dry and raspy in it's progress. You feel your senses sharpening. You feel your nerves becoming more sensitive._

_So then you ask yourself the unavoidable question, if the other person felt the same or if it's only your own body and mind seemingly losing control, playing a trick on you._

_An almost magical match with a complete stranger! Can that be? There is always this nagging question: What is it that we feel? Can this really be love?_

_You always thought that love comes not from any instant off-chance meeting, but that it instead has to grow slowly, very slowly. In the coexistence through life lived, and common everyday experience._

_What you definitely know, is that the term "slowly" doesn't exist in the vocabulary of couples. Things just can't go fast enough, you're well aware of it. You had to learn that lesson painfully on your own and were hurt badly, your heart broken and shattered to pieces._

_But there are many happy couples who fell in love "at first sight" , you know some yourself, who prove that this beautiful mixture created in seconds of common well-being, sexual attraction and curiosity can be the basis for a real and eternal love. This love must have been present to some extent at the beginning, they say._

_What you had to admit, though, was that you did believe in spiritual kinship yourself, without being religious that is. You believed that there could be a person with whom you have a feeling of deep and natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality or compatibility. You once heard about a related concept, named the twin soul or twin flame, which is considered to be the ultimate soul mate, the one and only other half of your soul. However, you didn't put that much mystical connotations to it. _

_You had enough life experience to know that some relationships are short lived, and that friends and lovers come and go. You are all too aware that deep emotional and everlasting bonds were rare these days. _

_Affinity presents itself in many ways, from a beautiful and deep friendship, to an enduring life-long partnership. Not daily contact, but the "closeness" feeling is what makes deep friendships or relationships. This special feeling like you have just met and no time had elapsed since then, even though years had gone by._

_But the idea of someone, touching you so deeply, capturing your heart in less than an instant without ever letting you go really fascinated you . It intrigued you enough to believe in this rare kind of fairytale._

_To be of one mind. To be in unison. To go through thick and thin with each other, experiencing all the highs and lows together. Not many words needed, in soul balance and pure harmony. Walking the path together, to grow, to learn and above all, to love. _

_You know it sounded ridiculous, unrealistic and magical, even foolish, you admit.  
>But you believed in it, even dreamed a little of it. So who said that fairytales or dreams could not come true once in a while?<em>

* * *

><p><em>You swallowed the heavy lump blocking your throat, taking one deep breath, not wanting to release it. Further chewing relentlessly on this toothpick between your teeth just to calm your nerves. A silly act, you knew. But you did that since you're a little girl and somehow it always did the trick for you. This place just made you feel oppressive. You didn't like hospitals. You didn't want to be here. Above all you didn't want to go in. Truth be told, it took a heated debate with your mother together with a very serious meant threat from her to call you in sick and disqualify you at the police department.<br>The spoken words repeated itself in your head, her determined voice echoing through your mind …_

"_Go to the hospital and see a physician at least! You should have done that right after the struggle anyway! But you damn stubborn kid had to act brave and continued working as if nothing had happened! You even rejected the kind paramedic at the scene! Everyone knew you were injured, everybody knew you were in pain! We could all see it in your eyes! The only one not accepting it was you! I was worried sick about you, sweety. Knowing you were involved. When Bill called me … for a moment I thought … I'd lost you …"._

_When you looked into her eyes then, two stubborn women facing each other, standing their grounds, you had to admit that her sudden surge of emotions was heart wrenching. You had never seen her that sick worried and enraged at the same time before._

"_So please, for my sake, get yourself checked out. Or I have to take drastic actions."._

_You didn't dare ask what exactly "drastic actions" she meant, you knew the answer all too well.  
>She did spell it out though. Just to make sure you got the message.<em>

"_I can call the deputy, tell him you're not capable to work due to your involvement during the raid. I can convince him in taking you off work. And you know I can and will do it if you force me to, for your own good."._

_Who would deny the instruction of the captain, she asked in a confident, self assured manner.  
>The answer was simple, though: Nobody, of course. Not even her own daughter.<br>You conceded that there was nothing more to be said. She had won this argument.  
>There were no more words spoken. Her more or less emotional outburst had choked every superfluous response you had on your lips. The truth of the matter was that her words and concern had overwhelmed you, touched your heart deeply. You had never witnessed the so called untouchable, smug and formidable Captain losing her guard, dropping her well-protected professional mask like that. But back then she had clearly showed her fear, her worry, her emotions that had tormented her.<br>One day you would have to out-rank her just to get your inner peace. Right now you were Lieutenant and on a good way to further climb up the career ladder._

_You sighed.  
>Did you really had to go in?<br>Nervously shifting from one foot to another you answered that question on your own.  
>Of course you had to. Only remember the captains threat?<em>

_You cursed audibly through gritted teeth. But again, you would have never won the argument anyway. Not even without the tormenting headache pressing against your skull or the piercing pain in your chest weakening you. The harsh words alone and your complaining ribs won over your wounded pride, making the decision damn easy. _

_You knew too well that she was only worried about you. She was your mother after all, not only the smug bad-ass kicking super cop of Las Vegas she made everybody believe. You could only imagine what she had to go through when she received the message from your leading Sergeant. Cut her some credit._

_You would have never considered going to the hospital on your own in the first place. But honestly, you wanted to have certainty on your own._

_Before you finally took the steps through the entrance of Desert Palm Hospital in Las Vegas, you released the long forgotten breath, sighing deeply after you spat out the toothpick your mouth was franticly playing with while debating with yourself._

_You put your hands in both pockets of your suit trousers and slowly, reluctantly strolled into the modern and epic looking building. Making sure your already stiff movements didn't give you any more pains and didn't appear too obvious._

_Immediately after passing through the entrance, that typical clinical "hospital smell" reached your nostrils and you're automatically captured by the busy atmosphere, although the facility is not the reason you have these feelings. It's your own stupid mind. Who would have thought you were such a coward when it came to hospital visits? During your job, when you weren't the one involved, it was totally fine with you. But if the tables were turned, well …_

_When you're in the middle of the reception area you glance around, suddenly all too aware of the surroundings. You could remember the day when you and your former colleagues had practically stormed in here, in sheer worry of one of your own who had been kidnapped and left to die in Nevada's desert by the lunatic serial killer Natalie Davis. Nothing had changed so far, although the ordeal had happily ended well, at least._

_You pull yourself out of your memories when you're standing at the reception counter, facing a corpulent woman, some five feet four inches, maybe in her mid-fifties, in dark-purple scrubs, wearing a white long sleeved shirt underneath. She had brown eyes and wore spectacles. She addressed you with a kindly voice that had been softened by years of work experience._

"_Good afternoon. Welcome to Desert Palms. What can I do for you?"_

"_Hello, I'm Lieutenant Curtis, LVPD.". It couldn't hurt to mention your police rank, could it? "I was involved in … some kind of struggle during work today. Nothing serious, but I wanted to get myself checked up.". Unfortunately your words were a little bit too nonchalant and blatant for the other womans' liking._

_The nurse, the nameplate on her right chest identified her as Martha Banett, eyed you suspiciously over the edge of her glasses for a split of a second, a cynical response on her lips which she left unspoken nevertheless. _

_They would assess the extent of your injuries. Not the other way around …_

_But then her expression changed, something seemingly clicking in her mind, she smiled sympathetically at you and turned to the computer in front of her. _

_Instinctively you knew at that exact moment, that she realized what kind of "struggle" you meant. Of course, she understood the euphemism. The successful raid was all over the news today. You had heard about it yourself countless times on the radio and you were sure, the t.v. channels were reporting about it endlessly as well. On your way here you had even turned off your cars radio in disgust, not wanting to be reminded of the events any further. It seemed that the media had nothing else to report about, and tomorrow it would be all over the newspapers. They were hungry for the information like starving, greedy sharks. If only for today, the LVPD was much vaunted and overhyped. Something you couldn't expect on a daily basis. Yeah, there were times when the media seemingly worked against the police force, ripping it openly apart without mercy. You had cursed them on many occasions. _

_Anyway, everybody would get the connection. Certainly nurse Banett assumed you were part of the police raid due to your lame explanation._

"_Can you please give me your insurance policy number, Miss Curtis?"._

_There you had it, she totally ignored your position. Which in return frustrated you even more._

_You sighed, audibly enough for her to hear, annoyingly, you could swear that just for a split second you saw a mischievous grin flash over her face._

_Wonderful. Just wonderful. This could be a very long day …_

_~ o ~  
><em>

_When you were asked to sit down after you had done all the formalities and wait until your name was called, you carefully took a seat offside in the waiting area. Just as you did one year ago, the memories doing a trick on you, replaying itself in front of your eyes, very much against your wishes. You shook your head vigorously to return to reality. _

_In a steady mantra you bore in mind: Sara survived, she was fine and she was happy._

_You let your gaze wander around, a note on the wall right beside the reception suddenly caught your eyes._

"_Please note, that in the Emergency Room __the __order of __treatment__ of patients __is based on __urgency__ and not necessarily in__ the order of arrival__. Thank you for your understanding.". _

_You chuckled dryly. _

_Again you looked around, your eyes drifted through the busy waiting area and the countless persons sitting around you making one point suddenly very clear to you. You wouldn't get out of here any time soon. This could take much longer than assumed._

_The annoying headache was fed by your still growing frustration._

_Great. This day couldn't get any worse, could it?_

_Just when you finished that thought, as if someone from above laughed at you and wanted to prove you wrong, the doors of the Emergency Room burst open with screams of pain echoing through the hall accompanied by shouting from the medical staff. Once the group passed the doors, the typical hospital rush engulfed the whole waiting area. Two paramedics pushed a gurney into the corridor and were instantly accompanied by three nurses and a brunette female doctor, who caught your eyes unconsciously. In the brief second when they pushed the gurney past you, you got a short glimpse of a male teenager being strapped down on the stretcher, a bandaged but still bleeding gash visible on his forehead. He was further screaming out in sheer anguish, his eyes wide open, tears streaming down his swollen and reddish face, his neck braced by a c-spine collar, his whole body rearing and steadily jerking up against the straps like he just got in contact with electricity, but was stopped by the strong grip of two male paramedics and the leather strap clutched at his wrists, ankles and around his abdomen. Your ears picked up the words "bike accident", "broken ribs", " fractured ulna and radius", "dislocated shoulder", "possible hip fracture", "head trauma". _

_The whole scene sent a cold shiver down your spine. When they hurried by, you got a glimpse of the features of a woman in dark blue scrubs, your gaze stayed on her until your field of vision was blocked. Still in this short but hectic period of activity when paramedics and nurses shouted, she was the caesura. During the swift motion she looked like an angel in scrubs to you, giving calm orders while reassuring the patient. But when she was out of sight, you had to blink several times to free yourself from the strange magic spell._

_As the group disappeared behind the doors of a treatment room, you leant back in your seat, wincing through gritted teeth as your spine made contact with the hard plastic chair with the back of your head resting against the cool wall. You simply ignored the pain due to the fact that you put pressure on a sore spot on your occiput. You shut your eyes to get your mind some rest, sighed heavily and slipped into some kind of half-sleep._

_Without any profound medical knowledge you knew this could take a while and you inwardly cursed your mother. _

_Remember to shoot her next time you saw her._

_~ o ~  
><em>

_After three long hours of waiting, which seemed like an eternity to you, another nurse in purple scrubs walked over to you. You quickly glance at her chest plate, Jessica Murray, then levelled your eyes with hers._

"_Miss Curtis. Would you please follow me? I'm bringing you into our treatment room where Dr. Jenson will meet you for further examination.". You stand up hesitantly, seemingly every muscle of your body became stiff just from sitting and shifting in this damn chair for far too long, trailing behind her. She led you into a room away from the waiting area, holding the door open for you, pointing to a chair._

"_Please have a seat. She will be with you shortly."._

"_Thanks.". She nods with a smile and left then, leaving you alone with your thoughts._

_They had to be kidding you. Further waiting after you already waited an eternity? _

_Well, fine. Patience was never one of your biggest strengths but you already waited that long, you would survive a few more minutes, right?_

_In this exact moment you inwardly clapped yourself on the shoulder. At one point of your waiting session you had decided to go for a coffee break. Beforehand you made sure you weren't one of the next patients to be treated and probably would have missed your call. The nurse had assured that you could make three of those breaks without being called. Well, that you did. Three large cups of disgusting hospital coffee and your caffeine level was back to normal, not to mention your temper!_

_Others would call that caffeine-addicted, even some of your family members did. But in your world it meant surviving a very long and hard day._

_Your eyes darted around the treatment room. A desk with a black leather office armchair behind it was right in front of you. Rearward was an examination table, numerous cabinets and cupboards on either side of it, containing various medical accessories. The walls surprisingly not the usual white colour as expected, they were painted in light golden yellow. To your right was a window, illuminating the room with warm and bright sunlight. As you shut your eyes for only a short second to take a deep breath, the atmosphere caught you and suddenly things did not seem as bad at you as first thought._

_Another 10 minutes passed in which you grow more and more relaxed, the nervousness and tension slowly faded from your system, until the door was opened swiftly and a beautiful, young brunette woman entered the room, wearing dark blue scrubs under a white coat. She was five feet and five inches tall, you guessed her in her late twenties, not more than mid thirties. She had tied her neat hazelnut brown hair back into a ponytail. A second later you recognized her to be the one who had been treating the young boy from earlier._

_But there was something nagging at your senses. If you didn't know better you could swear … you had seen this unmistakable pair of ice-blue eyes before …_

_Thankfully you realized before her, that you were starring at her and pulled your eyes off her just in time. But your tension and nervousness appeared all over again. Not because of your bad habit, but strangely enough due to her._

_She came into your personal space, reaching her right hand out to you._

"_Hello and good evening, Lieutenant Curtis. I'm Dr. Jenson, trauma surgeon. First of all, I have to apologize you had to wait so long. There was an emergency and the guy had priority. Stupid idiot thought he could balance on a bridge railing with his bike until he lost his balance and fell on to a railway track below. Fortunately for him it was not at a busy period. Seems he had more luck than judgement. Had to take him to the O.R. But anyway, now I'm here for you ."._

_Even though you shook her offered hand in return, which sent a huge shiver down your spine and burned the skin on your right palm, your brain was more busy by checking her out than listening to her words. You caught yourself before she did, forced your attention back to her mouth … lips …_

_You were totally amazed and dumbfounded all at once. Remarkably she was the very first one in this hospital to address you with your rank. First bonus point for her. So you could be polite to her. No need to be bitchy. "That's fine, don't worry." you stammered._

_After breaking this sparkling welcome she asked you to take your seat in the chair in front of the desk. She on her part sat down in her arm chair. Honestly, you had to clear your mind first after this … mysterious but very pleasant moment. Your whole body felt electrified. Especially the part of skin on your right hand she had touched just moments ago._

_You asked yourself the question: What the hell was wrong with you? What had just happened? Was it only you, or had she felt that, too?_

_Apparently it did not seem that she had sensed the same as you. She seemed totally engulfed in her work. Or maybe she was just too damn good in covering up her own emotions. At least you convinced yourself that you could see her cheeks slightly blushing. Or did you just imagine it?_

"_Thank you for your understanding. So what can I do for you? Nurse Banett already told me you're a heroine of the day.". She joked to lighten up the tensed mood and gave you a beaming smile._

"_Did she really say that?" you asked her amused and doubting, not quite ready to believe it. But you felt how your nerves further calmed down slowly and your tenseness seemingly decreased. All because of the woman sitting in front of you._

_It was amazing and frightening at the same time what a changing influence she already had on you, how fast you went from one roller coaster to another by only being in her presence, how you were hit by countless tidal waves back to back sitting in front of her, looking in her eyes, getting a single touch, seeing her smile._

"_Well, not her exact words. But similar. She referred to you to be some kind of a female John McClane or something like that. At least I got what she wanted to say. I mean, it's all over the news, then you come in here, introducing yourself as a police officer and tell about a struggle in which you got injured. Honestly, it doesn't take much to put two and two together. So what happened?"._

_There you had it again. Officer … you really had to start all over again._

_So what the hell was that reference to one of the most popular roles from the actor Bruce Willis about? Honestly? You, a female John McClane? That was ridiculous!_

_You wondered if she really did hear about the raid or if she was only not mentioning it for unknown reasons._

_She fixed you with her ice-blue eyes while she seemingly blindly wrote down on your patient chart. Not once did her eyes leave you, which made you feel awkward. But strangely not in a bad way, rather the opposite. You felt observed, cared, watched over. She was paying close attention to you. Huh, that was good, wasn't it?_

"_I'm working as a Lieutenant with the LVPD and we had a raid today. Everything went fine until we were ambushed and gang members started shooting at us. During the shoot-out I took a bullet."._

_Her gaze stayed on you. She noticed the mindlessness way in which you talked about the happenings. Secretly she envied you for this ability, even though it slightly concerned her at the same time. _

_Most people would have freaked out in a situation like this, but for you it was daily business. Dodging bullets, getting into shootings, sometimes wrestling down rebelling suspects, taller and sturdier than you. Nothing unusal for you._

"_You wore your bullet-proofed vest?"._

"_Yes, of course. It's protocol."._

_She raised an eyebrow at you in suspicion. Yeah, and she was god and could heal every disease and injury by simply snapping with her fingers. _

_Rules are meant to be broken. Both of you knew, not every cop cared to follow protocol. To your shame you had to admit, you had ignored them too … more than once._

_But she let the sarcastic reply on her lips slip, rather choosing to stay polite._

"_Good. Where did it hit you?"._

"_Chest area."._

_Again a frown in thoughts._

"_Any breathing problems?"._

"_No."._

_A brief sting while taking a breath every now and then didn't count as breathing problem. At least not for you._

_For the first time she looked down as she further wrote down on your file._

"_Okay. I have to ask you to take off your blouse. I would like to have a look myself and auscultate your lungs and heart."._

"_Sure"._

_Your voice sounded strangely much steadier than you actually felt. But you did as asked, suddenly becoming very tense and shy all over again at the same time, another tidal wave hitting you. You rose from your seat in order to open the buttons of your light-blue blouse. You thanked yourself for being smart enough by putting on a blouse rather than a shirt to wear. Well aware of the fact that a shirt would have made things more complicated and painful. For some unknown reasons you didn't even care to turn around as you undressed your upper body, revealing a black bra and dropped your clothes on the back of your chair. What you noticed though is that she didn't look up while you stripped. To give you some sort of short privacy, you guessed. She had sensed you stiffening up._

"_Do you feel any pain?"._

_Finally she looked up at you, for a second, you could have sworn you heard her gasping. If only under her breath, nearly silent. But you did hear her sharp intake of breath. Didn't you? Or did you just imagine that, too? But what about that slight alarmed expression in her eyes? Did you imagine that as well?_

_You were not to know that under different circumstances she would have lost herself in your beauty, she would have stared at you wantonly, would have mesmerized your body, your long blonde angelic hair, your face and your feminine curves._

_You worked hard to stay fit and in shape, you admitted that. But honestly, you were more than proud of your flat stomach, your slight visible six-pack and strong biceps. The long runs and fitness sessions had paid off. Did that make you automatically arrogant, possibly even conceited? Like so many people around you always pointed out, obviously mocking you. _

_But she fixed you. She had fixed you, your body with her eyes for tiny seconds without any medical interest, you caught her at it. Staring at you. _

_You were blind to the fact that she admired not only your beauty. Her gaze was caught by the heavy aggressive looking bruises covering your skin, shining blue and dark purple in all their glory which concerned her deeply. Whatever expression you thought you saw from her, it was instantly replaced by pure professionalism._

_She made a final note on the paper, putting the pen down afterwards. Then she stood up and walked over to you. Your breathing became erratic, and your heart skipped a beat as she stopped barely inches apart from you._

_Just as you're about to deny any pain, she cuts you off, sensing your upcoming lie right away. You were just like all the other cops she had met during all those years. Predictable and proud. She pierced you with her eyes._

"_And please cut the bullshit and just be honest."._

_Wow, not only did the nurses know how to handle you, but this surgeon wasn't bad either. The hospital staff really had their experience. But that did not mean you had to play their game._

"_Uhm … no, not badly."._

_Her hands started to soothingly skate over your skin, beginning at your ribs on your right side. You tried to stand against her, tried to resist her. You tried desperately. But in the end you failed miserably, your brain told you one thing but your body had a mind of it's own, to betray your true feelings._

"_Are you sure, officer?"._

_Argh, she did it again. Already she knew how to wind you up. You sensed that she said that on purpose._

"_Yeah …"._

_Any further words died on your lips as she carefully but determinedly examined a heavy bruise that formed around your chest just under your right breast, making her point very clear as she softly pressed down on one spot on your ribcage that made you slightly wince through gritted teeth. You expected it to be painful, but you had never assumed this anguish. You squeezed your eyes shut tightly in surprise, trying to keep taking deep steady breaths while you clenched your jaws tightly together and intuitively your body retreated to get away from her touch._

_Well, she had warned you. You played games. You weren't honest. Your fault._

_But what surprised you more was the fact that she didn't let you out of her grip. Her hands reached up, tenderly holding your shoulders in a gentle manner. She was right back in your personal space, just inches apart from you, her gaze fixing you intensely._

"_Miss Curtis, you don't have to prove anything to me. We're not at the PD or out in the field where you have to stand your ground or where your police rank is of any relevance. We're in a treatment room in hospital, on our own, which means you can show your emotions or weakness. I can clearly see and know you're in pain. The question is where exactly, and where it's more intense, so I can help you get rid of it and treat it's cause. So please give me a little bit of trust and be honest. I only want to help you. Come on, cut me some credit. I won't eat you alive, promise."._

_There she did it again. Making only a slight joke just to get you out of your discomfort. Adding one of those cute reassuring winks of hers together with the most adorable smirk you have ever seen. You had to admit, it worked. She was handling you well. With every move, every single word or look she was giving you, each gesture and every one of those fatal genuine smiles as bright as possible reaching all the way up to her ears, she was able to ease not only your totally over-tensed and thrilled nerves, but your ridiculous mind as well. She didn't treat you with kid gloves, but she didn't take any bullshit from you either. She was straightforward and honest with you, which made you feel … at ease, cared for, secure._

_You needed to take another deep breath, with the anguish and confusion still in your system, you try to compose yourself again. Her words echo in your mind … 'You don't have to prove anything. You can show your emotions and weakness.'._

"… _shoulder and chest." you answered honestly but soundly defeated. For reasons unknown you already started to trust her._

"_Okay. Thanks.". Before she walked around you, she took the stethoscope hanging around her neck. "I'm just going to check your general condition. Listening to your lungs, getting your blood pressure. All the standard things, you know."._

"_Just go on.". Again you were surprised, your voice sounded much calmer and steadier than you really felt inwardly. The truth was that you felt totally exposed. Every single nerve of you trembled, your breath rattling, your heart beating so fast in your chest against your sore ribs that you heard it's echo pounding in your ears. You fervently hoped that she didn't pick up on all those things and didn't notice how much impact she had on you. _

"_Could you please take some deep breaths.". _

_That was more an order than a question, and so totally unnecessary. Honestly, you were already breathing deeply in desperate need to calm and cool down. You shut your eyes tight, inhaled and exhaled more intensely, while she listened to your lungs on several different spots. Then she placed the stethoscope right above your heart and you prayed. Prayed that she didn't get the connection between your racing heartbeat and her close proximity, only inches separating the two of you._

_When she's done she looked up at you, smiling goofily. Of course, she did get the hint …_

"_Well, you're seemingly a little bit nervous.", she winked at you, "But apart from that, your lungs and heartbeat sounds good. Slightly flustered, but working just fine."._

_Then she stepped around you, now being able to see similar bruises on your back sticking out against your skin._

"_What happened to your back?". _

"_The projectiles that hit me, were from a fully-automatic weapon. Short distance. The impact threw me off my feet. The next thing I realized was that I was lying on the ground."._

_When you absent mindedly stated not only one shot, you cursed yourself and she raised an eyebrow in worry._

_Even without further detailed weapon knowledge the surgeon figured how highly lucky you were today. She silently thanked the guardian angel that had watched over you, seemingly pulling a double shift. The damage could have been much worse._

"_So there were more bullets that hit you? How many?"._

"… _three, to be exact."._

_Make that a triple shift for your guardian angel._

"_Did you black out?" deep concern swayed in her voice. Immediately she was concerned about possible head or brain damage. She had found another contusion on the back of your head, secretly hidden under your smooth long blonde hair, she gently touched the outlines of the wound without hurting you. There was another tiny gash on your temple. You felt her gentle touches on your skin, burning every nerve under her finger tips. But she never seemed aware of her effects. _

_What you recognized, though, were her features growing darker as the next seconds passed by. Each piece in the puzzle, all present in your injuries, finally found it's right place and she eventually came to a horrible realization. The picture of the raid today slowly started to play itself in front of her mind's eye. She was able to visualize what you went through only hours before. She had to admit, only the imagination of you in a gun-fight, getting hurt in it's progress, was even more terrifying than all the special broadcasts and videos she had followed throughout the whole day on screen or on the radio combined together._

_You sensed her sudden fear but saw how she fought to get rid of those images … and the effect it had on her. _

_She wasn't there after all. She couldn't know what really happened. But again, all she needed was to look at your bruises and the gash on your temple and she would know that you tried to dodge the bullets that were fired at you. She could imagine how one of the projectiles grazed your forehead before you were finally hit by another two bullets, the impact throwing you off your feet, leaving you to fall heavily on your back which would rip the air out of your lungs, unable to move you gasped for the essential oxygen like a fish out of water, your features a full mix of anguish and shock. She assumed the pain had been unbearable and she wondered if you cried out in agony or if you simply lay still waiting frantically for help …_

_She wondered how you could still stay that calm and collected. Seemingly not even mentally touched at all._

_You felt her turmoil, felt that she struggled with her imaginations, so you wanted nothing more than to take her mind off of that cruel reality, wanted to soothe her instead._

_You remembered that you wanted to be honest, but at the same time you didn't want to fuel her worry further._

_When you spoke, your voice was as soft and reassuring as it could possibly be._

"_I don't know … maybe … if, then only for a brief moment."._

_She was back in front of you, somehow composed but still deeply impressed, took a tiny flashlight out of her scrub pocket and shone it in your eyes. First the right, then the left one. _

_For a second you thought the flashlight was trembling in her hand, but you dismissed the thought the instant it occurred. Her movements were too fast to confirm your suspicion._

"_Your corneal reflexes are fine. Any headache?"._

"_Uhm … yeah. Quiet a beast."._

_She smiled at you in sympathy, grateful for the honest answer. Seemingly the early storm between the two of you had been calmed._

_Further she examined your upper body a little bit more, carefully palpating your ribcage along the outlines of your bra and shoulder with such gentleness you thought she did that especially for you. Her soft touches made you forget the pain, making you lose your mind and body control as you felt those hands move. It was terrifying how much impact she had on you. Abruptly you realized horrified and with shame a beginning of a prickling sensation deep down in your lower abdomen. You wished that this beautiful torture, due to her touches, would end soon even though your body craved for more. You caught your breath in order to suppress a low moan escaping your throat. _

_At least, you did catch it in time, didn't you? _

_Fright was completely taking over. You suddenly weren't sure of it anymore and her unsuccessfully suppressed broad goofy grin was answer enough, left you wanting to hide in a hole. A very big and deep hole in fact. Couldn't the earth just swallow you completely and save you from this embarrassing moment? You asked yourself what's going on with you. Your body reacting to this simple kind of stimulation like a starved predator. _

_Suddenly her hands are gone, no longer in contact with your skin and your nerves already screamed in protest._

_It was her saving you from your misery, not even reacting on what she had just witnessed._

"_Okay, I've seen enough. You can put on your blouse and sit back down again. I just need your right arm for a second." she indicates to the examination table behind you. You quickly get dressed and sat down as asked, pulling up the right sleeve of your blouse._

_She was back in front of you, blood pressure gauge in hand. "I'm just going to check your blood pressure.". She fixed the gauge on your upper arm, pumped it up and then placed her stethoscope back on your skin at the crook of your right arm, right on top of the ulnar vein. She listened intensely for a few minutes until she was satisfied, hanging the stethoscope back around her neck, placing the blood pressure gauge on her desk, making fast notes on your chart._

"_Your blood pressure is slightly raised. But there's nothing to worry about. Everything's fine."._

_So far the complete report of your injuries by palpation and observation were two massive bruises on your right chest in close proximity, another heavy one on your back, a visible deep and nasty gash on your forehead and another bruise on the back of your head. Still, she had to make sure that she didn't miss any fractures, inner wounds or possible head traumas that you could have suffered._

_The next thing you recognize were her eyes in front of you, same level. She had pulled a roll stool from aside, sat down and rolled it in front of you so that she faced you directly. But you didn't notice it, too busy trying to catch your breath and get your body under control again. She never left the seat in front of you during the next minutes._

"_Lieutenant, I would like to take some x-rays of your ribcage, your shoulder and a CT of your head. Just to make sure nothing is broken and you haven't suffered any head trauma. After that I'll stitch up that gash on your temple. It isn't bleeding anymore, so we can treat it later. Would that be okay with you?"._

"_Sure, of course."._

"_Good, I will call a nurse who will get you to the radiology department. After they're done I'm going to analyze the images and we will meet again here, okay?"._

_You nod, what else could you do._

"_Okay, wait here. I'll be right back."._

_She smiles at you encouragingly, surprising you by briefly patting your left knee with her right hand before she stood up and left the room. That again gave you the chance to breathe deeply. She did linger in that gesture a second longer than she really needed, didn't she? The simple act and touch alone left you completely speechless._

_Woah! Calm down! Get a grip!_

_Did that all really just happened? _

_Not only did this surgeon soothe your nerves, she was also able to make you feel dumbfounded and tense all over again. She was able to send you through a roller coaster of emotions within seconds! She made you so much at ease, that chatting with her was easy. Not only simple chatting, but flirty as well. A tad too flirtatious? Hell, you didn't care! Two could play at that game!_

_She came back with the nurse, who already brought you in this room only minutes before. _

_Or how much time had already passed? You totally lost track of time._

_Anyway, you rose up while she turned back to your chart on her desk, wrote down further instructions for your treatment handing them over to the reappearing nurse moments later._

"_Jess will take you to radiology. I'll see you after I have analyzed your x-rays."._

_She smiles at you with bright eyes._

_You have already reached the door and were as good as out of the room when her amused voice addressed to her colleague reached your ears._

"_Take good care of the Lieutenant, Jess. Somehow she wasn't able to do that on her own today. Just like the poor little boy that went out of luck before."._

_You look back at her, shooting her a death glare when you see her smirking and winking at you. There you had it, she was mocking you. Comparing you with an idiotic teenager …_

_~ o ~  
><em>

_It took another 30 minutes until you left the radiology and nurse Murray brought you back to the treatment room you were in before. Again she explained that you had to wait a little bit longer until Dr. Jenson had analyzed your x-rays and would return to assess them with you._

_This time she didn't let you wait long. Soon the door was pushed open and she walked in confidently, smiling warmly at you. In her hands she held an envelope, certainly containing your radiographs._

"_Well, Lieutenant. I've got good news for you.". _

_She walked to her desk, on the wall behind it was a x-ray film viewing box. With quick movements she pulled the images out and placed it on the box, switched on the light and you saw several two-dimensional views of your own chest and shoulder in front of your eyes, together with a CT scan of your brain and skull._

"_Nothing's broken and there is no head trauma. So, your ribs and shoulder are bruised but everything is intact. You will have to live with some nasty bruises the next couple of weeks but considering what you went through today, you should call yourself lucky. Things could have been a lot worse. Anyway, I'm going to clean and stitch up that gash on your forehead now. Come on, lay back down and make yourself comfortable.". She gestures back to the examination table and you walk over to take your seat. Nurse Murray had already entered the room, preparing surgical instruments for the treatment. You swallow heavily when you saw the sterilized appliances, turning nervous and tense again. _

_Out of the blue you felt a sudden but gentle and warm contact on your right upper arm. You look down and see her hand on top of your biceps. She looks down at you in sympathy._

"_Hey, it will be only a small procedure. Nothing to worry about. Done that countless times before. Call it daily business or routine.". _

_You stared at her in pure amazement. How she was able to read you, to sense your discomfort the second it emerged and made it disappear with sweet little gestures._

"_First of all I'll clean the wound and then I'm going to inject a local anaesthetic around the gash, lidocaine, which will have an effect in a few minutes. Should be not more than five stitches. I will be as gentle as possible. You will feel nothing, I promise. Just relax.". She again gently strokes over your skin cheeringly, before she cleaned the injured wound. _

"_It might sting for a second."._

_Then she took the offered syringe from the nurse, silently thanking her with a nod, leaned over and injected the local anaesthesia around your gash._

_You didn't react and kept a straight face as you felt the needle piercing your skin and the substance filling your tissue. You felt how the area around the wound steadily went numb._

_Meanwhile she pulled off her white coat, cleaned and disinfected her hands and forearms thoroughly, putting on sterile gloves. Murray had already placed a tray with the needed instruments over, making sure Jenson didn't need anything more before she left._

_The surgeon sat back down on the rolling-chair in front of you, reaching for the instruments she needed to treat the wound. _

_While she stitched you up with her professional expertise, she made eye contact with you._

"_So tell me. Are you really that bad-ass as you want to make everybody believe? Or am I assuming right that there is a soft core under your hard shell?"._

_You look back at her and see nothing but sympathy, maybe a little challenging. So you didn't waste time to answer her. It was scary how natural it felt to talk with her, how easy it was._

"_Well, you can say it's in the genes."._

_She raised an eyebrow at you, smiling. "Cop family then. Okay, that explains it all."._

_You looked at her questioningly. "What's that supposed to mean?"._

"_The confidence, the smugness, the slight arrogance. But most of all: The pride. All attributes that define cops. So who is it who prepared the footsteps? Grandfather? Your father? A Brother? All together?"._

_You smirk by her couriousity. "My mother. She's captain with LVPD. In truth, she is the one I owe all of this. She more or less forced me to go to hospital."._

"_Then you should thank her. She really saved you a lot of pain, and I'm sure she's only worried about your well-being. Some kind of mother business. Know that well enough on my own, believe me. I can imagine it has to be hard to trail behind her."._

"_Yeah, well sometimes she can be a real pain in the ass, yes."._

_She chuckled with delight, which left you thinking you had accidently made a joke and missed the punch line without knowing it._

"_Well that doesn't surprise me. Like mother, like daughter they say.". She winked at you cheekily._

_You have enough of her mocking, but you're sure totally helpless since she has you proverbially in her hands. So you just stick out your tongue at her._

_Then she took the scissors and trimmed the stitches, placing a breathable white band-aid over your wound. When she's satisfied with her work, she rolled back an inch and took the gloves off. Throwing them in a nearby special medical trash basket._

"_Well, we're done, Lieutenant."._

"_Thank you."._

_She walked back to her desk, pulled her coat back on, sat down in her chair and turned her attention to the computer in front of her while you took the seat opposite her desk._

"_No need to, you're very welcome. The numbness will disappear in a few hours. I'll give you ibuprofen and paracetamol for the pain. You can take it together every 4 to 6 hours. Depending on how much pain you're in. If it's necessary, I can prescribe you a stronger narcotic medication. But you're a bad-ass cop, I assume you won't need it." she grins goofily which made you chuckle. She had already packed and signed the dosage of the promised painkillers, a package of each, ibuprofen and paracetamol, handing it over to you._

"_Remember, if the pain's getting heavier, don't hesitate and visit me before our next appointment. In that case I'll give you something stronger."._

_You nodded in reply, not even wanting this scenario to become reality. The pain now was bad enough, you didn't want to imagine it getting more intensive. She focused you when you looked a little bit too long on the meds. She leaned over, resting her forearms on the desk, folding her hands together._

"_A word of advice from me: Use ice pads and heat on a rotating basis. The ice will help ease the pain, decrease the swelling and cut down the inflammation. While warmth helps promote good heeling. You may need to continue this treatment for 48 hours or more until the tenderness begins to subside. At the same time, be careful about your movements, particularly any stretching of the muscles in the rib cage area. I highly advise you to avoid overexerting the injured ribs. Do only as much as feels comfortable. Minimize your movements and rest as often as possible. Take it easy for the next few weeks. Don't overdo it, I would like to see you again in not longer than a week. To make sure everything's fine."._

"_What about this really sexy plaster, how long do I have to wear it? Not to mention the even more sexier bump …". You indicated with your index finger to your temple._

_She smirked at your sense of self-irony. "I assure you, you can wear anything and still would look sexy. Even with this bump and a little plaster on your head you're still going to turn many heads of a lot of guys. It won't take away any of your beauty. You sure will survive a few days with it. But you have to wear it for at least three to four days, until it fully dried. But right now it's a fresh wound and even if I cleaned it up thoroughly, I don't want to risk an infection. I'll give you some breathable and waterproofed plasters for the next few days. You don't have to wear it during the nights, but at daystime". She got up way too hastily, lowering her head as fast as possible to hide her blushing cheeks. It seemed that not only you were taken aback by her words that slipped off her lips, without her wanting it in the first place. Instead she walked over to the cupboards, blindly opening drawers and cupboards to get what she was looking for. _

_You were thankful for the silent minutes passing by. Moments that gave both of you the needed time to gather yourselves together._

_You sensed the upcoming awkwardness between the two of you and tried to return back to business. You could hear her taking a deep breath in the distance before she finally turned. Pleased and composed she moved back to her desk._

"_When will you remove the stitches?"._

_Again she smiled to herself, shaking her head in disbelief. She just finished stitching you up but you already thought about when they would be removed. Answering, she handed two packets of band-aid over to you. One air-permeable, the other one water-resistant._

"_In about seven to fourteen days. If the wound looks fine to me on our next appointment, I will remove them then. It all depends on how it looks in a week, how good you will take care."._

"_How long will it take until it's fully healed? The ribs I mean. Four weeks?"._

"_The healing of rib injuries can be a slow process. Four weeks can be possible. But it often can take up to six weeks."._

_You gulped audibly and it did not go unnoticed._

"_Don't worry. I don't think it will take that long in your case. Maybe half the time. Your bruises are moderately severe. Could be worse." she soothes you._

"_Okay, you're the expert. Should I tape and wrap it up?"._

_Now she leaned back in her chair folding her hands over her flat stomach, impressed by your expertise. _

"_I wouldn't. The technique may provide some comfort and relief from pain, but it also increases the risk for pneumonia and lung collapse. One of the best ways to prevent this, is to perform deep breathing exercises. But again, the extent of your bruises are not that bad and it mostly becomes a serious complication by patients who are only supposed to bedrest. It shouldn't be a problem for you. If you feel that breathing becomes an issue don't hesitate and come back. Well, is there anything else you want to know? Something that is unclear to you?"._

"_No, you really answered all my questions."._

"_Okay, then there is one more thing I've got for you, and I'm sure you will hate me for that.". She turned back to her computer, doing some fast clicks and then the printer went off._

"_Honestly, I could never hate you.". The thought left your lips before you were able to catch them. That definitely wasn't meant to reach her ears._

"_Thanks for the compliment. But you might rethink that in a few seconds.". She said as she raised a health insurance certificate._

"_Oh no, come on, you have to be kidding me?". You grudgingly took it from her and looked down at the sheet of paper._

"_Nope. No joke."._

_Your mouth dropped open when you saw that she wanted you off duty for a full week, at least._

_The famous John McEnroe curse slipped from your mouth in disbelief. "You can't be serious?"._

"_I'm quite serious about it. To be honest, I would have taken you off work for at least two to three weeks. But I assumed you wouldn't agree to that so as a compromise a week is the very least I'm agreeing to. There is one condition, I will want to see you again in a week's time to check that all is okay. If everything goes well until then, I may clear you for office duty."._

_It was all very well for her to talk as she sat there, leaning back in her chair opposite of you, fixing you with her gaze like a hawk watching it's prey as if she was waiting for any kind of objection from you that she could counter._

_Instead of that you grimaced, knowing you had no other choice than to play to her rules._

"_When can I assume to be back in the field?" you asked, your voice soundly defeated._

"_About two or three weeks. Depends on how good you will stick to my advice. The more you rest and take care, the sooner you will be returning to field duty.", followed by that encouraging wink._

"_That's so not fair. You wouldn't like it either if the tables were turned."._

_She hesitated, which left you grinning triumphantly. No answer was still an answer._

"_No, probably not. But that's not the point. I'm not the one working as a police officer.". Her sweet voice is full of irony. It's her now who grinned at you mischievously. Already cutting short your moment of celebration._

_You groaned in return. "Lieutenant it is."._

_She laughed out audibly. "Yeah sure, Lieutenant … grumpy."._

_The fact that this time she was able to catch the words that were on her mind in time before they nearly slipped from her lips stayed totally unnoticed by you. 'Lieutenant lascivious.'._

_You frowned at her words. _

"_See, now you sure hate me."._

"_No. Well … maybe a tiny little bit … ". _

"_Don't worry. I'm used to being the spoil sport. Anyway, just take it easy for the next few days and recharge your batteries. But please, no more fights, for everyone's sake. Your guardian angel was busy enough lately, give him a break. I will see you in a week."._

_She stood up from her seat and walked around the desk, offering her right hand to you again._

"_It was a pleasure to meet you Lieutenant. Just do me a favour and try to stay out of trouble until our next appointment, will you? Good bye for now and rest well". She said that with more emphasis._

"_Well, if I am not at work there won't be much trouble for me to get into at all. Thank you very much for everything, doc. It was nice to meet you, too."._

_During the long lasting handshake that followed, the sparks really began to flow, your nerves became sensitive to those soft sensuous touches, surely she could feel it too? You became hopelessly lost in the eyes of the other woman. She sure had sensed it too. It was as if neither one of you wanted to let go, such was the enjoyment of your skins being in close contact. But you somehow managed to free yourselves from the magic of each other, clearing throats, both smiling broadly like teenagers, already wishing the next week would be over much sooner than later._

_What you sensed as you walked out of the treatment room were her burning eyes that stayed on your firm ass. Gladly you already had your back on her, or else she would have seen your bright smug grin._

_Such a lot had happened during that special day, you felt alive again._

_~ o ~  
><em>

_When you returned seven days later at Desert Palms, you're again met by nurse Banett at the reception, who became reserved the moment she saw you coming in. But today her grumpiness couldn't reduce your thrill of anticipation and joy. _

_Huh? Joy connected with a hospital visit in one thought. You sure were becoming sick._

"_Miss Curtis.", oh how much you wished you could just wipe that fake smile off her face in an instant, "How can I help you?"._

'_How about you turn into an ugly frog and disappear to the sump you came from?'._

_But despite your dislike towards the woman you had to give her some credit. She had a hell of a memory._

"_I have an appointment with Dr. Jenson." you explain brusquely._

"_Okay. I will inform her. Have a seat, it could take some minutes."._

_You don't waste any more time with her and took a seat in the waiting area. This time it didn't take long, maybe ten minutes until the beaming voice of the handsome doctor called out for you. She walked towards you, welcoming you by again offering her hand to you, which you took without hesitation._

"_Lieutenant, it's good to see you again. Please follow me."._

_You walk alongside one another through the corridor, as she led the way through the floor, chatting easily with each other as you walked. _

"_Yeah, well, didn't have any choice. If I want to get back to the field as soon as possible I have to stick to the orders of this stubborn trauma surgeon."._

"_Argh … that was straightforward. See you're still hating me for taking you off work."._

"_Again, just for the record: I could never hate you. I just want to go back to work as soon as possible without my ribs giving me a hard time."._

"_We will see about that. How are you doing, by the way?"._

"_Fine. I'm feeling pretty good. The tip with the ice and warmth was priceless. Really did the trick. So too with the painkillers, they worked just fine."._

_You reached another treatment room, she very courteously held the door open for you, walking in after you. For the briefest moments, you felt your bodies brushing against each other._

"_That's good. Please, sit down.". She gestures to the examination table._

"_First I want to see the bruises. Then I'm going to check your stitches."._

"_Okay."._

"_Same procedure as last time. Would you please take off your blouse?"._

_Again you chose a blouse, dressing was still a tough challenge for you. Again she gave you a moment of privacy while you undressed but you felt the hidden glances she threw at you once in a while._

_She checked your contusions thoroughly. Again your body had its own idea of how to react to her soft touches. But today however, you seemed to be more in control of your breathing and heartbeat than seven days ago. The bruised areas weren't coloured in the heavy deep aggressive violet and blue swellings, your_ _body had cleaned the dead blood cells out of the damaged area, instead turning it into a fading greenish-yellow colour._

"_It looks good. Really good."._

_She asked you to stand up to have another look at your back and head. Carefully she palpated the still slightly wounded skin, very aware of your sensitive nerves._

"_The bruises are healing very well so far, not to mention the sexy bump on the back of your head."._

_She picked up on last weeks words and smiled widely. Then she came back in front of you._

"_That leaves the stitches.". With such tenderness she removed the plaster from the wound, you never felt a thing._

"_Okay, that's healed just fine. I'm going to remove them now. Pull on your clothes again and I will get what I need."._

_This time she pulled on another pair of sterile gloves, took the ligature scissors together with a pair of tweezers and returned to your side._

"_Just lay back. I will do the rest.". Starting to concentrate on your stitches she smilingly started talking to you._

"_It looks like you really took care of your well-being and wounds. I have to admit, I didn't quite expect this. I have to say you're starting to become some kind of my favourite patient."._

_You furrow your brow, picked up on her lead and smirked smugly._

"_What? I'm not already on top of your list?"._

"_Well, we could work on your temper and resistance a little bit more. Then maybe you're becoming my number one.". She winked at you._

"_What a thing to say after only our second appointment! I'm quite shocked, doctor."._

"_Surgeon, actually."_

_Oh, you smiled broadly. You had just found a weak spot of her own. One that was pretty similar to yours, funnily._

_She further removed the last three stitches with experienced efficiency as you drowned in your thoughts, simply staring off into space._

_Only seconds later her angelic voice reached your ears. "Penny for your thoughts."._

"_Huh?"._

"_If you carry on like this you will burn a hole in the ceiling. You're thinking too hard and frown too much. Makes that nice, smart head of yours wrinkly. You should smile more often. A smile suits you much better than all the frowning you obviously have been doing way too much lately."._

_You were totally taken aback by her words, gulped the huge lump blocking your throat, only composing slowly._

"_Well I assume the nurses are not as handsome and smart as the doctors here. And I get the slight impression that it became some sort of routine in here to mock cops."._

_Your last sentence sounded much harsher than you actually intended it to. It was meant to be a joke after all, nothing more. You didn't want to offend her or her colleagues. But that's exactly what it sounded like. _

"_What do you mean?". Criticism about the team meant patients being not satisfied which lead to misunderstandings with the hospital after all. She should try to soothe the situation. _

"_Oh fuck … I'm sorry. I … It wasn't supposed to sound like that. I was just thinking aloud."._

"_No, please, go ahead. Tell me what you meant."._

"_Well, don't get me wrong. It's just when I first came here, I mentioned I'm with the police and was involved in a struggle it was as if nothing of that was of any relevance. A lot of your staff totally ignored my rank."._

_She smiled at you. "A police rank doesn't make you the person that you are."._

"_Just saying. No offense."._

"_None taken."._

"_It's just … I don't know. Better forget it."._

"_Listen. It's not you, or any of the other cops. There isn't any disliking or disrespecting against the police force. We totally respect everything you're doing, risking your life every day to make ours a little more safe. But this is a hospital emergency room. Every single person coming here is an individual, a patient. Everyone is treated the same way. The only difference of any patient is the urgency and severity of their injuries. When you came in here, identifying yourself as a cop, referring to this shoot-out during the raid, prizing yourself above all the other waiting patients while you were obviously fine, you went against that principle of this hospital. Intended or not, it doesn't matter. But you made yourself stand out against all the others and that's probably what annoyed a few co-workers. There was no blood, you walked in on your own legs, didn't have to be carried by a stretcher. Above all you've waited hours before even seeking medical help. So please forgive us if we didn't direct our attention to the slightly injured Lieutenant right away and jump the moment you entered our halls.". She sent you a challenging but mocking look and you knew she was half kidding and still deadly serious._

_You're totally stunned by her explanation and suddenly realized that due to your smugness you offended not only the other patients but most of the hospital staff too! As that fact slowly dawned on you, you felt totally embarrassed by your stupid act._

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if anybody was offended by my behaviour. I never intended to behave in such a thoughtless way"._

_You took a deep breath, realizing that it was your fear that had led you to acting the way you did. "Seems like hospitals really give me the thrills. Make me go crazy. I'm such a coward."._

"_No, you're not. You just lost your head for a few minutes. See it as a big misunderstanding."._

"_I feel so stupid."._

"_Nah, I really doubt that. You're anything but stupid. Whatever reasons you've got that make you feel so uncomfortable about hospitals, they got the better of you and you tried to cover that up with arrogance."._

"_You and everyone else have every right to be angry with me. Actually, I could slap myself for losing it.". _

"_Don't, it would be a waste of energy." She winked at you._

_You paused and fixed her with your eyes, suddenly realizing a fact about the brunette, something else became obvious to you._

"_But you … you weren't annoyed?"_

"_Nope. No reason to."._

"_You've never treated me the way the others did. I won't forget these looks a few nurses and doctors gave me while I waited."._

"_You're a patient. I don't treat you any other way."._

"_No, I mean you … you didn't face me with prejudge. You gave me a chance."._

_She suddenly stopped her actions, avoided your gaze, looking up at the ceiling and smiling nervously. _

"_Well, I just had the feeling that you weren't yourself out there. Some kind of intuition. I can't really describe it myself."._

"_But they did tell you?". You frowned. Did you actually want to hear the truth?_

_She continued with her work. "Honestly, they warned me that you were just another one of those bitchy cops."._

_You suddenly felt the urge to burrow your face in your hands, but couldn't. So you sighed deeply instead._

"_You must have gotten a total wrong impression of me. Probably think that I'm a total selfish bitch not caring about anyone else than me."._

_She lowered her gaze. "Does it really matter what I think about you?"._

_You carefully consider your answer. A strange truth._

"_Yeah, it does."._

_Just for a second longer she lingered in her position, but then her eyes came level with yours._

"_My impression of you is just fine."._

_A smile played on the corners of your lips._

"_Really?"._

"_Really. Don't worry. If you were really the person you just described yourself to be so falsely you wouldn't work in the police force. I sensed there is something more to it than just a cop blondie marking new territory."._

_Another silence decends over the two of you, before you speak up. This time it is your voice indicating you're joking._

"_So next time I walk in here I have to limp and leave a blood trail after me to get your attention?"._

"_Only if you're starring in one of those stupid Hollywood action movies, Bruce."._

_She grinned, she had found a new nickname for you. One you totally hated._

"_But if you do so in reality I will personally kick your smart ass. Which would be a real shame, by the way."._

_You chuckled._

"_What about the remark that our nurses are not as handsome as our doctors?" she asked raising a brow, acting totally clueless even though she had a pretty good idea what you meant. "Saw someone you like?"._

_You felt the trap she had cornered you in, her faked innocent smile reaching your eyes. Fuck! How to get out of that? Come on, think hard!_

_Trying to come up with a plausible explanation your thoughts raced in your mind._

"_Uhm … Your nurse at the reception. Nurse Banett? She wasn't really ... forthcoming."._

_You inwardly clapped yourself on your shoulder. That wasn't too bad, was it?_

"_Let me guess, you introduced yourself as Lieutenant last time. Maybe putting some extra emphasis on it.". The way she looked at you made it clear she didn't buy your lame excuse._

_You hesitated. "And in case I did?"._

_She chuckles amused. "Yeah, well Martha definitely knows how to handle people like you."._

"_What do you mean, people like me?"._

_Again she smirked in amusement. "We already had that last week. Bad ass cops, who think they can save the world by only existing and judge the extent of their injuries even before a doctor examined them and say they're fine when they obviously are not. I'm surprised she didn't throw her famous 'We-are-the-qualified-medical-staff-and-we-are-going-to-assess-the-exact-extent-of-your-injuries-officer' line at you."._

"_Well, in that case I would have strangl … "._

_Whatever words were on your mind died on your lips the moment her startled frown and smile aswell as her surprised eyes meet yours. Yeah, great, just threaten her colleagues right in front of her. That's going to be another great picture of yours._

"… _maybe I just should consider myself lucky, I think."._

_Gladly, she let your comment slip._

"_It depends … she doesn't seem to consider you as a striking bad-ass cop, sensed you would be one of the sensitive ones. Maybe you hit one of her rare empathic spots, aswell. Something that doesn't happen often. Instead she would have given you a real speech. But I have to say, you really annoyed her with your blondie behaviour. She's one of the most experienced staff members I know. Worked here long before I started even thinking about joining medical school. Or you getting your badge, that is. She's our solid rock out there, at the reception and anywhere else. Also she is the one nurse I want to have at my side during surgeries. She might be a 'Nazi', like we mockingly call her, but she is a very sensitive person with her heart on the right place. It's a pleasure for me to work with her. Anyway, call it wisdom if you like."._

_Hell, then the nurses weren't as attractive and passionate as a specific surgeon facing her!_

"_There, it's done. You're finally rid of the stitches.". She rolled back again, taking off the gloves._

"_Yepp, finally! Does that mean I'm back out into field, too?". Your voice was full of hope, almost sounding like a pleading puppy, even though you suspected nothing from her._

_It's then that her pager went off and she looked down, checking the message._

"_Sorry, for that. I'll clear you for desk work. Visit me again in a week and you should be able to be in the field again."._

"_Well, that was not what I was hoping for." you grumbled._

"_Sorry to be the spoilsport again."._

"_That's fine, I really didn't expect anything else. Was worth a try."._

_You stood, ready to walk to the door._

_Suddenly you heard a knock and just a moment later a brunette woman in dark-blue scrubs and a white coat appeared. A quick glance at her name plate revealed her as Dr. Abigail Piezicki, chief of trauma surgery and Jenson's supervisor._

"_Sorry to interrupt.", she shared a short glance at you before looking at her younger colleague, "But I paged you. I need you at the entry as soon as possible. Incoming car accident in about ten minutes."._

_She nodded, her expression becoming very serious. "I'll be with you in a minute."._

_The female older trauma surgeon left, closing the door behind her._

_The brunettes low voice cut the silence thickened air._

"_Tragedy never stops striking ..."._

"_Yeah, know that all too well."._

"_So, one more appointment in a week and then I think everything should have healed fine. Lieutenant, it was a pleasure seeing you again. Take care until next time, okay?"._

"_Yes, ma'am. Will do.". Together you walked to the door of the treatment room but you paused before you reached the entry when a mischievous thought crossed your mind. "By the way. Is that your ploy?"._

_She turned to face you all surprised. "What do you mean? My ploy?". _

"_Yeah, you know, in my world we call it modus operandi. Making vague promises, putting your patients off until the 'next appointment'? Is that how you get them to do what you want?"._

_Now she understood. Both of you lingered at the door, not wanting to open it yet. Not wanting to separate. Each one of you feeling such a cheerfullness while in the other ones presence._

"_Well, it seems to work just fine for me, don't you agree? I mean, my recent proof stays right in front of me." she smiles at you sweetly, daring you to challenge her. She was really enjoying this._

_But honestly, you didn't have a reply for that. Touché._

"_Good bye, doc."._

_You reached for the door handle._

"_See you next time, Lieutenant."._

_Again, just like seven days before, her eyes stared at your back, rather your jeans clad ass. Well aware of that fact you smile goofily, putting an extra swagger in your walk. Who would have known the trauma surgeon had such a weak spot for your butt._

_~ o ~  
><em>

_Three weeks had passed in a hurry. Much faster than you had at first thought. But you had realized during the past few days that it was mostly due to the new found acquaintance you had made who was sitting right in front of you._

_She wrote the last few details on your patient chart while you sat patiently across from her, mesmerized and deep in thought, you stared at her._

_Today she had cheerfully welcomed you, even calling you Bruce again, but strangely you sensed some kind of reserve in her behaviour. Not even her smile appeared as bright and genuine as you have come to expect. Something was different, but you couldn't put a finger on it. Which left you wondering if you had in fact done something wrong after all._

_But she didn't give you any chance of figuring out the issue, her professionalism taking over fast enough. But she couldn't hide the emotions showing in her eyes._

_This time she simply checked your hardly visible bruises. Satisfied that you seemed as good as new, her words. She faked a smile which you instantly recognized. You looked a second longer into her ice-blue eyes and suddenly you were able to name the change. _

_Saddness._

_Immediately you felt the urge to make the sorrow vanish. To make her feel better, happier. To make her smile that real smile you dreamed about during the past few nights._

"_Hey, doc? Can I ask you something?"._

"_Sure. Actually you just did." she half smiled at you. You noticed that you were more and more falling for that gesture. Her real smile that is._

"_You never mentioned your full name to me. I think as you know mine, and mockingly call me officer or even Bruce, it should be only fair enough to tell me yours. Or else I could arrest you for insulting a police off …". You stopped yourself at the last second, before you had offended yourself in front of her._

_Her laugh at that was priceless and you saw that sincere happy grin of hers once more. Therefore it was fully fine for you to make a complete fool out of yourself. Together with the lovely smile you sent her that seemed to melt her icy state. The sorrow finally entirely disappeared from her system. Seconds passed by in which she just looks at you, her expression full of warmth and sincerity. It was that exact moment when it dawned on you what was seemingly eating her from the inside. The reason for her sadness, it was the same that was bothering you._

_Then a genuine smile crossed her face._

"_Alex. Well, Alexandra it is."._

"_That's a very nice name."._

"_Thanks." She stuttered embarrassed. An awkward minute of silence lasted above you until she needed to change topics to a much professional state._

"_So, that's it. You're officially healed and cleared for full police duty."._

"_No more lovely sick leave papers?". Somehow you believed there was still something in the wind. Not to mention the fact that you had something on your mind, but didn't quite know how to express yourself. It was deeply worrying, you were a grown up woman but felt and behaved like a little girl back in high school._

"_Nope, no nice piece of paper. Now get out of here or I might change my mind and don't even think of coming back in my ER for medical reasons."._

_Putting your hands in your trouser pockets you shrugged deadly serious. "Well, who knows. I might stick around here every now and then if I get treated by the sexy brunette trauma surgeon that is."._

"_Don't even think about it." she dared you, her voice growling._

_But you were not going to give up just yet. "I might come around on a regular basis. Or do you make house calls?"._

_You tried desperately to keep a straight face but failed miserably. After a few seconds, with your features getting out of control. You both burst out laughing. _

"_Get lost Lieutenant!"._

_You chuckled and walked to the door. But before you finally left for good you faced her once more. You turned, took in a deep breath and gathered all the courage that you found inside yourself._

"_I wondered if you would consider drinking a coffee with me sometimes?"._

_She looks at you sternly, her rule crossing her mind. Don't start anything with a colleague or patient. But hey, right now you weren't her patient anymore. _

_She lost that right half a minute ago. You widely grin inwardly._

_She really tried to look at you insistent, but you could see the fight behind her eyes and the growing smile. _

"_Well …"._

_There you see it! If you didn't pay close attention you would have missed it, but you saw the ghostly smirk flashing over her face._

"… _maybe."._

_She did consider it. There was still a chance._

_So then it all made sense. She told you to leave her hospital, to never come back, but that was a complete lie. The truth was the opposite. She actually wanted to see you again._

_When you finally turned your back on her and moved out of the room, you made sure to show off as much of your confident swagger as possible only for her to see, feeling the piercing look of her eyes on your ass and legs following you out of the door._

_~ o ~  
><em>

_During the next few weeks you made a bee line to several bars which were close to Desert Palms after work. You later had found out that "Henry's" was a famous and beloved place of the medical staff to hang out after their shift and maybe, just maybe, you would meet her there. Totally unexpected, of course. _

_After your last appointment three weeks ago, you never heard from her again. Nor have you ever visited the hospital once more._

_But she had captured your mind. Every single moment you could only think about her._

_Sadly that offer of coffee never materialised. So you took fate in your own hands._

_You just had to see her again. _

_Entering the bar you stopped in your tracks at the door, scanning the crowd with sharpened eyes. Suddenly you caught the familiar silhouette of the woman who had stolen your heart …_

_Finally on your fifth night there, you got lucky. You grinned happily, now all good things go by five. _

_Strolling over to her, you saw her chatting with a group of colleagues, you assumed. _

_Then you realized that this was the first time ever you had seen her wearing her hair down. Her shoulder-length hazelnut brown hair was gently falling on her shoulders and you simply admired the look. You really liked her with that famous ponytail, but having her hair not tied back made her even more fascinating. Also without the scrubs you were finally able to make out her slender figure, her small but firm feminine curves showing off under the tight blue shirt she was wearing, somehow blue seemed to be her favourite colour you assumed and the strong legs and firm ass being perfectly fitted by her trousers. You were well aware of the fact that you were staring at her and it didn't go unnoticed by her companions. But you didn't care less. Only she never recognized it, because she sat on a bar stool facing in the opposite direction of the entry, but she sensed a pair of piercing eyes on her back._

_One of the men noticing you coming closer and your observing look to his friend. Another face you recognised as Jessica Murray, the young nurse. She seemed to suspect who you were aiming for, a cheeky grin playing with her lips as she responded to the man._

"_Woah, stunning blonde on collision course."._

"_You mean, Lieutenant."._

_That was the moment when she reacted. She had taken a sip of her drink, never paying attention to her colleagues comments. But when she heard the words "stunning-blonde-Lieutenant" together in one sentence to her that could only mean one thing. She spat out the sip and choked heavily on it, trying to regain her breath again as she turned in her seat at the bar._

_You stopped inches apart from her and greeted her warmly. _

"_Lieutenant! I wouldn't have expected to meet you here." She replied between slight coughs._

_You shrug your shoulders way too casually for her liking. "Just wanted to grab a drink."._

_Her broad grin tells you you're already busted._

"_And maybe find some good company. And voilá, there you are."._

_She chuckles at your words. "Yeah sure.". _

_Jessica, who had watched with amusement, took the opportunity to excuse herself. "Well, I have to go to the bathroom, sorry. What about you Brian?". The blonde haired man in question was totally unknown to you and frowned at his friend in bewilderment._

"_Why should I go to the ladies room together with you? You know they have separate bathrooms in here! No way I'm going in there!". He sighed deeply. "Tst. Man, I will never understand why you women always have to go to the bathroom together!"._

_Jess' next movement was too fast for him to even react as she nudged her right elbow into his chest._

"_Ouch! Hey, what was that for?"._

_He was dumbfounded at first but got the hint after she shot him her best convincing death glare and some more visible help from the nurse and seemed to recognise you a moment later. "Oh … Oooh, yeah sure. Changed my mind. Sorry. Excuse us, really urgent.". With that the two seemingly fled, both their faces crested by wide smirks._

_It looked like you were already well-known at the hospital for some strange reason._

_You're thankful for their departure and she smiled in disbelief at the scene, burying her face in her right hand. She would kill her friends next time for leaving her that obvious. _

_That left only one more person sticking around her. You recognized the brunette woman immeadiately. It was Dr. Abigail Piezicki who you had met at your second visit to Desert Palm, Alex' mentor, best friend and supervisor. She though was not ready to leave her seat that easily, eyeing you suspiciously._

"_You okay here, Alex?"._

"_Yeah sure. Everything's fine." she winked her off._

"_You sure?"._

_However Brian retreated out of nowhere, grabbed her by the arm and lead her away to a billiard table at the far end of the bar. She never let the two of you out of her sight, though._

_Now that you were alone, you looked deep into each others eyes._

"_Well, Lieutenant, you have successfully scared my friends away. Although I really have to consider the friend part all over again."._

_She shook her head and mumbled something under her breath. "Nice friends they are …"._

_You point to the seat next to her. "Mind if I take this chair?"_

"_No, come have a seat."._

_She patted the chair and you were more than happy to obey._

_For a few long minutes an uncomfortable silence fell over the two of you. No one knowing what exactly to say._

_But then you can't stand the silence any longer. Feeling you had to get rid of the emotions tormenting you the past couple of days._

"_I'm happy I came in here."._

"_So you were actually looking for someone?"._

"_Well, I wished and hoped to see you again, yeah. After our last appointment we sadly lost contact."._

_She didn't have enough courage to look you in the eyes. She rather started playing and fiddling with a beer coaster lying in front of her. _

"_I'm sorry for that. But … I was busy, you know. Work and … other stuff.". She felt no need to tell you that she had spent the last few days and weeks figuring out her feelings. She was confused by the emotions and thoughts that you had caused and occupied. She had no idea that you had just endured the same._

"_Don't worry. I understand that. I was busy myself."._

"_So why come in here? I mean, if you wanted to grab some 'company' you could have gone to any other bar or club in town. Don't you have some kind of cop bars?"._

"_I'm still waiting for that coffee offer to be accepted.". You send her a warm smile. _

"_With your looks, you definitely will turn every guys head in no time. Only stupid man will reject your coffee offer. You could have anybody. Even in here, all the guys are staring at you.". With a nod she points to a group of men, playing billiards and darts, watching you closely. You just caught the moment when the man, Brian, backhanded one of his peering companions. Wasting only a quick glance at those, you turned your attention back to her instantly. You weren't interested in any of them. Your goal was sitting right in front of you._

"_I did suggest that offer to only one person. And I'm going to keep it that way. I'm not interested in them or any other guys. Too easy to have. They're not what I want."._

_She smiles knowingly, slowly getting the hint you were implying. But she kept you on tenterhooks._

"_So, who is it you're interested in? Who is it you want?"._

"_Well …". Was it really safe enough to tell her? Were you brave enough? "It's a secret."._

_She leaned on her right hand, elbow resting on the counter, shrugged her shoulders in response and smilingly winked at you. "Argh … what a coincidence. I'm quite good at holding secrets."._

_You lean in a little bit closer. _

"_Promise not to tell anyone." you purr._

_She's slightly holding up her right hand. "Scout's honor. Highly promised."._

_You hesitated before huskily admitting. "Maybe it's a special sexy brunette trauma surgeon."._

_She was slightly taken aback by your straight forwardness, you saw it in her eyes. But again, you were the slightly arrogant and smug cop lady, she didn't really expect anything else. Soon she had composed herself, that surprised look changed into mischievousness. Again, two could play this game …_

_To your surprise she leaned even more in, her lips only inches apart from touching your skin, you felt her breath tickle the nerves, setting the ends on fire, whispering in your right ear._

"_In that case, I have to disappoint you …"._

_You swear your heart stopped beating at that point._

"… _she's married and has a three-year-old son."._

_You felt like someone slapped you across the face, punched you in the guts and ripped your bleeding heart out of your chest. The colour drained from your face, you instantly turned deathly pale. _

_She was kidding, right?_

_But instead she kept a straight face, features staying serious._

_Could it be that you had totally misinterpreted the whole situation and her character as well? That she had played you all along? Tricked you?_

_You never realized that the confusion, hurt and disappointment was all visible in your features and your eyes. You just stared in sheer disbelief at her, not noticing that her eyes darted to her left. What you realized, though, was her slowly growing smirk that went bigger with every passing second._

_You just couldn't believe it. This woman was such a bitch. She was not only playing you, but after revealing the truth to you she had the guts to laugh at you in front of everyone around. She had already beaten you to the ground, but now she was all but spitting down on you …_

_You felt like an idiot. A stupid, naïve idiot. The sudden urge to leave overwhelmed you. To flee and hide. Far away from people. _

_Your brain shouted the order to your legs: Get out! Run! _

_Just as you were about to jump on your feet and hurry out of the bar, she grabbed your right arm, holding you in place, stifling her laughter. You were so caught up in your misery that you never noticed her fight for control. _

_Her eyes were red from amusement, though, she had even tears in her eyes that she had wiped away furiously with her left hand. It was at that moment that she clearly realized what her words had done to you. Her features immediately changed._

"_Don't, please, I'm sorry. You got that wrong."._

_You still looked at her confused. What the hell was there to get wrong? She was married and had a kid after all! And she sat there in front of you, flirting with you, leading you on and made a complete fool out of you!_

_Before you could reply she spoke up again._

"_I was not talking about me. I meant her.". _

_She pointed to a group of people in the distance._

_What the fuck?_

_You didn't want to but you followed her line of view, your eyes landed on a woman … somewhat a familiar face ... sending you a highly piercing glance with her hazel eyes … brunette hair falling gently on her shoulders … the chief of trauma surgery … Abigail Piezicki ..._

_Oh fuck!_

_Somehow she couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing, but patted your shoulder, while you stared at the other woman with parted lips completely dumbfounded. On one hand she felt pity for you, on the other hand the whole scene was just too hilarious. You could'nt take your eyes off the chief, her features changing, slowly softening, and only a second later she waved at you widely grinning._

_Your gaze stayed on her a moment longer, then you lower your head in your hands as realization dawned on you. _

_You stupid head!_

"_Shit …"._

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But it somehow fit so well, you have to admit. I couldn't resist. It was a joke, a really bad joke all along,for which I have to apologize. I'm really really sorry."._

"_No, no. I should have known who you were referring to."._

"_Honestly, you couldn't."._

"_Of course, I saw her at Palms. But I didn't get the connection, stupid me. I'm a Lieutanant, for god's sake! What does that make me look like? I made a complete fool out of myself in front of you, again."._

_She only realized by then what her intended joke had caused, what damage she had really done. She reached out and took your hands in hers, which left you nowhere to hide. Slowly you looked up at her, smiling embarrassed at you._

"_You're not a fool. I'm the idiot. What I did was mean. I shouldn't have played you like this. I'm really sorry."._

_You lingered in that pose, that touch, both losing yourself in the other ones eyes._

"_Like I said, I can't be angry with you."._

_She smiled happily, picking up the similarity of your words you had said weeks before in the hospital._

_A bright smirk crossed her face. "The other brunette trauma surgeon is kid free and single."._

"_That's good."._

"_But I have to warn you. I heard she's not easy to have and please, and she has a horrible sense of humour."._

_You gulp a heavy lump in your throat. Grinning wickedly you whispered back._

"_Then tell her, I like challenges. I would do anything in order to get a chance with her.". Then your grin changed into a smirk. "And about the humor. I think we can work on that one. Payback is a bitch, you know."._

_She leaned back, looking you straight in the eyes, not breaking eye contact with you._

_With a husky voice she replied. "I think she got the message."._

_Silence settled upon the two of you._

_But then, only minutes later she extended her hand out all of a sudden, surprising you. "Hello, I'm Alexandra."._

_You looked doumbfounded at first -this woman was full of surprises- but chuckled at her blatant act, trying to make a new beginning, excepting her gesture and giving her a proper welcoming handshake._

"_Nice to meet you, Alexandra. My name is Sofia."._

_The two of you lingered in that simple contact, grinning wide like fools at each other._

_That evening changed your life completely. You remember how you invited her for a drink of her choice, which was not a coffee in the end and she happily agreed. You arranged a raincheck, coffee two days later. She waved the bartender over, which she seemed to knew very well, gave them your orders. You can remember changing cell phone numbers that evening. _

_It all started slowly. You met for some coffee or breakfast at least twice a week, easily falling in conversation with each other. You began to invite her for dinner. You had long and funny phone sessions on the days you couldn't spend together. You started having movie nights at each others flats. Both of you felt the strong bond between each other grow with each passing day, but so far those feelings were not acted upon._

_Until this one day, when attraction, desire and passion were all too overwhelming to ignore them any longer._

_Before you met her you had not felt alive for a long time. Your heart was shattered and broken. But finally, with her, it slowly started to heal from it's suffered anguish. She was able to piece it back together, to fix it, to make it beat again quickly without any pain attached. Now your emotions and passion felt like the phoenix rising from the ashes …_

_If you were totally honest with yourself, you thanked your mother for being that stubborn and persistent on that special day. Not only because you had certainty about your injuries but although more important because she, unknowingly, paved the way for your happiness. For that you would never be able to thank her enough._

* * *

><p><em>Whatever it was that happened to you, it started the moment you met her. This one special person, your personal angel. <em>

_Your __icy__ appearance__ had __begun__ to melt __with __the first eye contact__ between the two __of you__, __every __day__ a little__ more and __it__ had __warmed__ your heart__. __So finally__, it __was __lit __and __now __an unruly __fire __blazed __inside of__ you._

_Coincidence?  
>Fate?<br>Or driven providence?_

_You didn't believe in any of it._

_Again, considering all facts, you had to be honest and admit to yourself: You never believed in love at first sight. But on the other hand you believed in soulmates._

_So the process that happened to you, you assumed it now to be something between a first-sight-attraction and spiritual kinship._

_It's an invisible strong bond that unites. It's more than words can ever describe. Love that becomes deeper with each passing day. When one dreams, he has simply a dream. If two dream the same, it's the beginning of reality …_

_You remember the famous words of writer and speaker Jiddu Krishnamurti you have once read: "Meet love without looking for it, is the only way to find it. You have to accidentally encounter it, not by effort or experience."._

_That's exactly what happened to you …_

* * *

><p><em>And all I feel inside me,<br>Is an empty space.  
>I know you want to haunt me.<br>But you leave no trace.  
>How long, how far,<br>Do I need to go?  
>Before your splinter heart,<br>Opens up,  
>And takes my soul.<br>(Dana Kerstein ~ "My Soul Ghost")_

* * *

><p>For those who didn't fall asleep: Congratulations! You have finally reached the end of this update ;). But don't feel to save, there is more in store *g*.<br>To those who still feel like having some energy left you are very welcome to share your thoughts and impressions in a review.  
>For now, I will say my thanks for your interest!<br>Take care and stay safe!

Dragodina


	5. Chapter IV

For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.  
>Again, thanks to the ones sticking along! And to my dear beta reader and first critic eye, my big bros'! Thank you for your boundless support!<br>Another big thanks to my friend Fleppy for your sweet review! That made my day, you rock - but you already know that ;) To your request, I promise there will be more chapters and moments like the last one in the future. The story might be rated for angst in the first place, but I didn't add the romance for no reason ;) Same with the M rating. And honestly, I do love a good happy ending, as well as I enjoy cheesy and funny lines and scenes. But then, I although do enjoy some good portion of angst, huh ...  
>The first installment of this chapter is written in italics and in second person pronoun, which means its a dream andor memory scenario.  
>I hope you enjoy reading, I certainly loved to write this one ;)<p>

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter <strong>**IV ~ **

_In this world you tried,  
>Not leaving me alone behind.<br>There's no other way,  
>I'll pray to the gods: Let her stay.<br>The memories ease the pain inside.  
>Now I know why …<em>

_All of my memories keep you near.  
>In silent moments,<br>Imagine you'd be here.  
>All of my memories keep you near.<br>The silent whispers …  
>Silent tears …<em>

_Made me promise I'd try,  
>To find my way back in this life.<br>I hope there is a way,  
>To give me a sign you're okay.<br>Reminds me again it's worth it all.  
>So I can go home …<em>

* * *

><p><em>The temperature of the bedroom rose the instant the door was roughly ripped open, the entangled and kissing pair rushed hastily over the threshold. The brunette urged you inside, determined, never releasing your lips. Both totally lost in the constant fight for control. You were panting, already topless, skins radiating from heat and further working each other out of your clothes on the path to your destination. You didn't even bother to close the door behind you, aiming straight for the solid wooden sleigh bed in the middle of the room in your apartment. By the time you reached the bed your pants were already entangled around your ankles. You only had a split second to climb out of them before her soft hands caught your lower arms resting on her hips. It was the brunette who pushed you finally down on the mattress after the enduring struggle for dominance in your kisses and swiftly undressing lasted until your lower legs came in contact with the edge of your bed made of oak. <em>

_The moment your wounded shoulder met the soft fabric of the bed, the sensitive flesh stung, and a combination of an audible groan and growl escaped your throat through gritted teeth._

_Instead of following right after your now naked body had met the cold but soft fabric of sheets, she lingered in her position at the end of the bed for a while, watching you intensely. _

_One reason was, of course, she wanted to enjoy the image that now lay before her. Lying there on the bed, your beautiful naked body encased by soft sheets, aroused and eagerly waiting, but at the same time giving yourself unusual vulnerable, completely at her mercy._

_Her eyes were shining bright with passion and happiness, but the longer she looked at you, the clearer it became that there was something else that made her linger. The more she had time to think, the more hesitant she became._

_Slowly you saw a dark shadow cover her gaze. It seemed like she wanted to make the next step, but something was holding her back. A constant fight of desire and restraint. Two demons battling inside of her mind._

_Seconds passed by without either of you moving._

_Were it not for the rapid but constant rise and fall of your chests you would have thought both of you had frozen._

_Through the curtains, a fading light fell that still warmed the room. The sun was setting and the rising moon heralded the start of a new night. _

_As the heat slowly started retreating, an uncomfortable tension began to build-up._

_You felt the piercing pair of perfect crystal-blue orbs observing you intently which sent a shiver down your spine, a second thrill ran through every fibre of your body that made your skin crawl, settling down in your lower abdomen. You looked back up in eager anticipation, your eyes wandered upwards over her nature given nude body cased by the golden light, admiring the picture in front of you. Her slender figure and feminine curves, her beautiful soft hazel hair that was slightly curved fell elegantly down to her shoulders and on to her back, these vivid crystal eyes, intensely radiating with bright blue colour, made you forget about everything around you. _

_Those impressive and expressive orbs reminded you of a snowflake, strangely holding the promise of a perfect winter's day. Something that you have never experienced here in Las Vegas. When you were a little girl, about six years old, your parents had surprised you and your brother by spending the winter holidays in the Canadian province Alberta. Your family had stayed in a town outside of Calgary, the first city of Canada to ever host the Olympic Winter Games. You still remembered that you had never seen so much snow in your entire life. You had to admit, that particular season had never been your favourite one, you simply loved spring and summer. But you treasured those memories of the trip, not only because the magical winter landscapes, or the impressive amount of snow. Nor for your painful first skiing lessons your father had taught you, or the resulting uncountable bruises. Unforgettable too was the sled dog tour and the hilarious snowball fights you had shared with your brother – and won most of the times. That winter paradise had completely fascinated the young American town girl deep down in you. However, what had struck you the most back then, was the fact that your family seemed completely carefree. Apart from two happy and hyper kids, your parents were enjoying themselves and their time together. Your father had been blossoming when he taught you how to ski, even your mother, the bad ass kicking super patrol cop of Las Vegas had totally abandoned every work related thought. Together your parents had savoured each and every single smile and every high squeal coming from their children, seeing those bright eyes was satisfaction enough in its own reward for them._

_Only several weeks later, you learned that the trip would hold another new meaning for you. It was the last occasion that your family was complete … and happy._

_You remembered the time that followed the holidays, when your father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, one of the most fatal types of the disease. Something you didn't understand at your age then. For you, every sickness was meant to be cured with medication. You had to learn the hard way that it wasn't always that simple. He fought to stave off his inevitable destiny, enduring fourteen months of agony, before finally losing the battle. During this war he never lost his hope nor his dignity, something for which you admired him deeply. It seemed as if the rest of the family was more shaken about his fate than he himself was._

_Somehow, it reminded you of her. Your father and the woman standing right in front of you right now, they had something in common._

_Ever since then, nothing had been the same._

_It took a long time before each member of your family was able to relearn the meaning of happiness again after the ordeal. You recalled your brother being the first one to get back in the tracks. But your mother … you weren't even sure if she was ever going to recover from her loss, or if she was ever allowed to be truly happy again._

_So it was that the last holiday you spent with both your parents, remained with a bittersweet taste._

_The only positive aspect you came up with, was that since the day your father died, your family cohesion had grown deeper, the bond became unbreakable. Whatever burden was thrown your way, the family was at each other's side and stayed together._

_As the years went by and you grew wiser, you tried to only see the good things out of the trip: The happiness you and your family enjoyed during those ten days in Canada._

_Looking in those eyes now, the brunette was able to set all of those memories and emotions free, that you had efficiently and successfully buried down for far too long. Surprisingly by simply doing nothing, just with her presence._

_Now that memories were gathered together in those eyes, you felt nothing but love radiating from their depths. It was true, her eyes reminded you of the snowflakes you have seen in Canada in a strange way. But looking carefully, you always saw a flaming blaze out of her crystal-blue orbs, straight and only directed at you, and that was the reason why you never sank back into the state you were during the darkest part of your life. Because this woman with her eyes, so bright crystal clear, held so much light and warmth and love for you._

_It seemed now, over thirty years, you were finally able to overcome the shadows of your father's death and find your own fortune. That fact alone caused a warm moisture to well up in your own eyes._

_You never understood why she was on her own for so long. Which made you the lucky one - and there you were completely selfish - because now all of her devotion was only meant for you. You enjoyed and loved every second being with her._

_Your gaze stayed firmly on her, again you drowned in those special blue pools which continued to mesmerize you. Together with the shining glow she almost looked like an angel. The only thing missing to complete the perfect illusion would be seraphic white wings. _

_Or didn't you imagine them right now? Weren't your eyes playing a trick on you?_

_You blinked furiously several times in order to clear your vision, never noticing that due to that act, two single tears started their slow paths down your cheeks._

_Indeed, no wings. But nevertheless your personal angel._

_When your eyes met their ice-blue counterparts you were instantly captivated. This time not only because of their beauty, but rather by the flash of several different emotions dancing across them. In those mere seconds you looked carefully, standing your ground against these burning eyes, trying to catch what you saw in them._

_Definitely resentment … combined with a spark of fury … just for the slightest moment. And you knew it was not only caused by the happenings from five days ago, but also straight directed at you._

_For only the briefest second, her gaze traveled to your left shoulder, her thoughts drifting away while staring. The material was hiding the wound she personally treated when you were brought in the emergency room on a stretcher. She had insisted to be the one attending physician when you returned today for the follow-up examination. In agonizing profound silence she had caringly and tenderly re-bandaged your still sore and sensitive skin by herself. During the whole procedure there wasn't a single word said._

_Now as she looked at her work, she fell in a heavy state of melancholy._

_But it was instantly replaced by worry, the fiery glint transferred into sorrowful sadness._

_There was no mistake this time, you didn't imagine the building moisture welling up in her eyes. You weren't the only emotional wreck tonight._

_It was then that she lowered her glance, her orbs now glued to her bare feet, her mind suddenly tainted by memories of the day when you were rushed into Desert Palms ER and by this days former events. Something seemed to plague her deeply which stopped her in her tracks. She was not brave enough to face you, to confront you or to show her emotions. Also she was unwilling to admit just how vulnerable and weak she was at this moment, and back in the treatment room …_

_Now it was your turn to stare back in concern, to fight back your sadness, bracing your upper body on both your elbows. Patiently you stayed still just waiting for her to overcome her worries. You can't even describe it but somehow you just sensed that, only for once, she had to fight this alone and clear her head from the doubts._

_After what seemed to be an eternity without any reaction at all you were about to give in to your instincts and embrace her, but were stopped instantly the moment her head turned up and she glanced at you._

_The look her blue eyes granted you with was full of brightness, it struck you deeply, left you completely breathless._

_Yeah, both of you were fighting your own demons, each one of you on your own. But in the end and maybe not only for this one special night, that was what brought you even closer together._

_A single tear had escaped each one of her eyes and slowly the lonely drops made their way down her cheeks and finally met at her chin before they fell victim to gravity and found their destination on the laminate floor at her feet. Otherwise, her eyes had dried. You realized there weren't more tears to follow.  
>Just like yours.<em>

_But the remarkable thing was that her eyes had finally softened and settled to just one expression.  
>Happiness …<br>A combination of sheer adoration, mesmerized attraction and most of all, growing unbreakable and pure love._

_It was that moment when you recognised that despite everything that happened over the past few days or how deep you had lost yourself in your memories, you had persevered and won all-around. Even though it was you who had been stabbed days ago, and earlier thrown onto the bed, you saw yourself as the big winner. Or rather call it lucky loser, considering the fact that you had tempted luck in an utterly idiotic manner._

_Again you caught that special look, full of warmth and brightness and you knew she had finally overcome all her worries and doubts. She had made a decision, she had settled for you._

_From the little that you had learned from her, she wasn't the type of person to take risks, rather playing it safe. But when it came to you, it was so very different, caution was thrown to the wind. For you, she would risk everything and take on every hazard that was thrown her way. Just like the decision of being with a bad-ass cop to the core, with all its preferences and disadvantages. Which meant, every day she would worry about you coming home to her safely and unharmed._

_But she was ready and willing to take that risk, to break out of her safe, peaceful bubble.  
><em>

_She had decided.  
>For you.<em>

_Instantly and totally taken aback by this realization, you were left speechless. Seconds passed by that seemed like an eternity for both of you, still glancing at each other and only communicating your deep affection through your eyes, then suddenly something else shadowed her look …_

_Both of you knew exactly what was yet to come, but neither one could stop the still intensifying arousal that prickled from your lower abdomens up and down through your bodies nor the broad smiles now developing at your lips. In addition to the thrill of the excitement came the unstoppable anticipation and desire that brought you both on the edges of your nerves._

_Neither wanted to do anything wrong, but still you two claimed nothing more than to finally sink into each other._

_Only this time you had the feeling that your roles would be reversed, if just the look of her eyes were any indication that she had made up a plan. This time it was not you who would be in charge, who would set the pace. You wouldn't be the one in control. But still, that didn't mean you had to obey right from the start, did it?_

_You stood your ground against the piercing glance, sending her just the same expression that you received from her. Slowly that clouded mask vanished and her features softened again, turning into a loving warm smile as she deliberately started to climb onto the bed. Agonizingly slowly she lowered herself on top of you, your bare and heated skin touched and it set every nerve underneath on fire. Right at this moment, your injury was completely forgotten. She reached up and cupped your cheeks with her hands, drying the still wet path of your former tears, dropping her head. Finally your lips again met in a passionate kiss, both of you felt the other one smiling against your mouths. Once more it ended in a hot tempered fight of control. It came as some surprise that her lips were not yielding to yours as you had expected, thus heightening the pleasure._

_Eager hands started to roam over naked flesh, feverishly still exploring each part of the opponent body. With lips still firmly locked together, your tongues were engaged in a battle of their own. _

_You felt the temperature in the room rise rapidly just as it had cooled off only minutes before._

_It was only the need for air which brought this encounter to a close. Now it was left to your beautiful eyes to do the work._

_Your right hand wandered slowly, but purposely from her lower back up to her left shoulder, all the while gently brushing her soft skin, finally settling against her burning right cheek, never taking your eyes off hers. The moment your fingertips touched her glowing hot flesh you swear they got burned._

_But you were not finished yet, and you certainly were not ready to give in. Instead you tried to brace yourself and flip the two of you. But she sensed what was coming and grabbed your wrists tenderly and kept them in a strong grip at both sides of your head. At the same time she had your legs trapped between her own._

_Satisfied with her reaction she smirked down at you, while you looked at her puzzled in return._

_Now that she had your full attention she shifted her position, gently forcing your legs to part with hers, spreading them further and started an unnerving slow rhythm with her hips._

_Whatever disagreement you wanted to voice, it died the second that the most aching part of your body finally got rewarded with the attention it craved._

_Your patience finally paid off._

_You didn't even recognized how she released your hands after several minutes, how you grabbed her shoulders in a death grip and started moaning in pleasure. But still she remained silent. _

_Could she really be that cruel? That calculating? Didn't she feel anything? Was she still mad at you?_

_In that moment you questioned your own will. Your body had submitted, but your mind still screamed to take control. She had made you completely spineless. Once again you tried to change positions, but she only braced herself more, you had not realized that her short figure contained so much strength. It surprised you, making it a complete impossible task for you. To make her superiority clear she lowered herself more heavily down on you, giving only one single hard and fast stroke to your electrified spot before settling back to the more gentle pace. In return you squeezed your eyes shut, bucked your hips up towards her in unbearable need, a hoarse scream escaping your dry throat. It was then that she turned her head slightly. Her talented lips sucked gently at your earlobe for pleasing long minutes while the movements of her hips began to increase._

_In the end you had simply given in. Further moans and gasps escaped your throat, which quickly turned into low sensual cries. You felt how you slowly but surely floated on a never ending wave of thrills that began to bond together. _

_Suddenly her lips were missing, her hips stopped their movements, her right hand cupped your left cheek tenderly, her seductive voice reached your ears through winded breaths and needed a second longer to enter your brain._

"_Stop that sexy smart brain of yours. You think too much. Just relax. From now on, if you will it, it's only you and me."._

_All it took you to relax was her convincing voice and you knew that everything would be alright._

_You weren't even aware that you responded to her words with a raspy and wobbly voice in between gasps._

" … _we two together … us … it's us …"._

_You reached up and kissed her forcefully, showing her all the love and adoration that you held for her, arching your hips up against her own, starting the fierce dance all over again, pulling your legs around her haunches in order to get her closer, indicating that you wanted more._

_So as to keep you from fighting any longer, she instead started to caress your breasts affectionately with her soft eager fingers. Just as you were asked, you finally abandoned yourself._

_The rhythm of your fervent dance further improved, hips and hyper-sensitive buds thrusted frequently against each other. Gasping turned into pleasure laced moans and low growls escaped both your throats over and over again which soon after were accompanied by high-pitched whimpers, desperate pleas and cries._

_The closer you came to your release, the harder you balled your fists and crawled the sheets below your hands in an intense grip. Until you decided you needed your hands on her. Instead, you grabbed her shoulders in a soft but noticeable rougher manner. Staying there for a matter of seconds as harder thrusts brought you nearer to the edge, you let them drift down over her bare back, deliberatly taking your time, using just the right pressure to leave faint scratches. When you reached the hollow of her back, you slide both your hands down its length until you finally settled each on either of her buttocks._

_A chuckle escaped her throat between audible moans and heated kisses against your neck. In return she sucked at your pulse point which sent your nerves on fire and erupted a soft cry from you._

_You felt her grin against your skin and instantly knew what amused her. You had just turned tables on her. Not only your lover had a weak spot for your ass, you could just be as cheesy as her._

_Now she was not only thrusting against you, she was also massaging the full weight of your perfect breasts as well as kissing and sucking at your pulse point. You knew you couldn't stand that pleasurable torture much longer._

_In return you grabbed her buttocks rougher, pushing her down and against your aching centre even more._

_She willingly accepted, raising her own trusts as well. By now her skin was covered in sweat, her brows furrowed by her own pleasure, but her eyes stayed on you._

_Slowly it occurred to you what her aim was …_

_Attended by your whimpers and cries you feel the heat boiling up together with a yanking feeling just below your navel. A pleasantly hot feeling spreads around your lower abdomen, caressing your nerves on the back of your neck. _

_Suddenly she stopped the caress of your throat and instead of massaging your breasts, she squeezed them roughly as she bit her bottom lip in sheer bliss and kept her thrustings. For the first time she closed her eyes while lowering her head, burying her face in the hollow of your throat, moaning deeply into your flesh, indicating that she was just as close as you were._

_Out of instinct you turned your head sideways, kissing her cheek, her hair._

_Caressed by your lips she raised her head, staring into your eyes._

_Just a second later your lips met in the most passionate kiss you've ever shared, groaning into each other._

_And than, only for a brief, blissful moment, you forgot reality. _

_For the physician inside of her it was an explosion of a thousand nerves causing a momentary lapse in all her neuronal connections that crashed down on her with full force._

_Just as you gave a audible cry in pure pleasure, she moaned loudly._

_Both of you desired to live in the moment forever. Even though the thought was lost immediately afterwards. _

_Your legs felt weak and became shaky, you can probably feel the cold sweat dripping around your collarbone only now, uniting with hers. _

_Several thoughts raced through your mind._

'_Keep breathing. Relax. And hold on to her. Never let her go ...'._

_Completely exhausted the brunette collapsed on top of you still panting like a fish out of water, her heart pounding heavily against her ribs. She allowed herself to use your still sore left chest as a pillow, laying her head down on your heated and sweat coated skin, beautiful soft brown hair tickling your sensitive flesh, avoiding your injured shoulder at all costs. Just above your own speeding frantic heart she settled down, wrapping her left arm over your wonderful naked and well-toned abdomen. You for yourself embraced her protectively, lying your strong arms around her shoulders, holding her as close as possible. _

_Wrapped up together you two willed your hearts to calm down and your pulse and breath to normalize._

_You were the first one to break the silence, still slightly panting, after both of you had recovered._

"… _You know … you drive me crazy."._

"_Well, see it as your punishment."._

_That completely caught you off-guard. You furrowed your brows at that, looking at her puzzled. Whatever reply you had expected, but surely this one was not on your list._

_She for her part never changed her position or made an attempt to explain her words._

"_Excuse me? This was meant to be serious. You should have said something equal in return. Something like 'I love you, too.' or 'Pleasure all mine', or anything like that."._

"_You didn't deserve that after what happened five days ago."._

_You hesitate, guilt already flooding your conscience._

"_I already said that I'm sorry. How often do I have to apologize?"._

"_Until you finally mean it. Until you realize what idiotic stunt you pulled and what it could have cost you … or me. What could have been taken from us …"._

_Now it was her pausing, trying to regain her composure after losing her temper. Then she spoke again without looking up, the slightest anger lingering in her words. "Your apologizing doesn't make it unforgotten. It doesn't change the fact that you deserved that penalty. Or that you won't receive forgiveness … not yet."._

_For a moment you let her words sink in, and decide to use them in your own charming way, daring her._

"_Well, if that is the case, who says I don't like to get punished then?", you smirked._

_Instantly you felt a soft smack on your right side, were she had hit you._

_You in return grinned your smug smile in all its glory and even went a step further, adding boldly but with some aplomb._

"_And don't tell me you didn't enjoy my punishment, too?"._

_She just shrugged her shoulders and answered in a deathly nonchalant tone._

"_Who says I didn't pretend anything?"._

_This time your eyes widened in disbelief. _

_Oh wow, ouch. Touché. You hadn't expected that._

_Did you already state that this woman was full of surprises? Driving you all nuts? Well, she did!_

"_Are you kidding me? You were just as deep into it as I was."._

"_Yeah, yeah. Keep on dreaming, blondie.". Oh she so enjoyed mocking you like that._

"_Oh no, don't play like that. You're not only a lame liar. The ice-queen act doesn't suit you either. Oh and by the way: Your eyes give you away, sweety."._

_She then realized she couldn't keep up the façade any longer, inwardly cursing her betrayers. "Well then, busted."._

_You paused before adding, "You're mean."._

_Again her reply came prompt._

"_Says the woman who scared the shit out of me after chasing a suspect without wearing her kevlar vest and got stabbed."._

_Her words instantly silenced you._

"_So that's what it all was about, Alex? Making me feel guilty? That was what you had in mind? I mean, I really don't complain. But tonight, I felt there was something different."._

_The brunette hesitated, deeply debating whether to open up._

"_No, I never intended to make you feel guilty. I knew right from the start what it meant to get involved with a cop. I … it's just … I was so worried … and angry … not with you, but with the fact that you got injured. Or that I can't direct my anger and blame on anybody. And for not wearing your vest when you went into a dangerous situation. Fuck! Does that even make any sense?"._

_She paused, breathing in deeply before getting herself up on her right elbow, gently tracing the still burning but healing scar on your left shoulder with her left fingers that was covered by the bandage she had put onto your wound. The last visible reminder of the attack. The longer she starred at the bandage, the more her thoughts carried her away._

"_I know it has to sound completely selfish. I know that is what your job brings along."._

_She could still remember how she herself attended the stab wound at Desert Palms when you were brought in. She recalled the very moment she saw you lying on that stretcher, your blouse all soaked in sticky crimson fluid, skin covered in a mess of blood pooling around your chest, the paramedics applying pressure to the still bleeding trauma with gauze compresses. It was like someone punched the air out of her lungs. For the slightest moment, she was not able to breath nor to think straight. What amazed you at that moment was the speed she showed while running to your side, after she had returned to her senses and her medical instincts kicked in. After that she was all professional yet calm, the trauma surgeon taking completely over._

"_All I wanted was to make you realize what you could have lost. That you would never forget what hangs in the balance if something like this ever happens again."._

_Touched by her honesty and her worry over you, you regretted putting her through the fear._

"_I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."._

_You kissed her hair, her temple, her cheek, finally her lips. Trying to tell her without words that you were indeed aware of what could have been taken from you, reminding yourself that you had almost lost everything._ _Hoping the message you couldn't express were delivered anyway._

_Suddenly she laid down heavily back on your chest. You felt something wet on your shoulder and noticed her body started to shake slightly._

"_I'm deeply sorry. Please stop crying. I'm fine. I'm here with you. Please, please don't cry."._

_Taking her left hand that was still safely wrapped around your abdomen, you squeezed it gently before placing it right next to her head, above your left breast and speeding heart._

"_Can you feel it? Can you hear it? It's still beating. Beating only for you, because of you"._

"_Just promise me one thing." she said through sobs._

"_Whatever you want, love."._

"_Never ever do something stupid like this again. If you ever turn a stunt like this again, I will enjoy to personally kick your ass in the hospital and send you to hell."._

_She propped herself up on her right elbow again to hover above you, her clear moist eyes staring intensely into yours._

"_Promise me to wear your vest. Promise me that from now on, you will make sure that you wear it before you storm into danger. Promise me you will think back to this night when you walk into a fight and do everything you can to return back home to me in one piece. Promise to never let me go."._

_You didn't need to think twice to answer her._

"_I promise you."._

_Whatever you heard about kiss and make-up, it was this night that you learned it was indeed true. It took a heated and loud debate of you two that ended in this passionate exchange. Funny thing was, you couldn't even recall what you were arguing over in the first place. _

"_And here I thought I finally fulfilled the condition of that sexy trauma surgeon: Saying that I had to burst into her Emergency Room like a female Bruce Willis, all bloody, to get her attention."._

_The instant the last words fell from your mouth, you hissed through gritted teeth again, just having received another single painful blow against your ribs._

"_Ouch …"._

"_Stop that Bruce shit!"._

_Just as fast as she had propped her torso up to launch the hit, she repositioned herself on top of your body, resting her head on her favourite pillow - your left chest - again._

"_You deserved that." she whispered._

_Still grumbling you admitted, "… yeah, I did."._

_Then you addressed her, "Are we fine now? Am I worth your forgiveness now?"._

"_You are. We're fine. No hard feelings."._

_At that reply you smile happily and relieved._

_However, before you could doze off, her voice broke the silence._

"_What about you?" she asked out of the blue._

"_What do you mean?" you asked confused._

"_Your mind wandered a few times away. What were you thinking about?"._

"_Canada …"._

_It only needed this one single word and she instantly knew what you were referring to, the whole story about the death of your father. In turn, she pulled you even tighter in her embrace. Leaning up she placed a kiss on your golden hair, then one against your temple and finally found your lips, providing you with the silent support you craved. It was enough to calm you down._

_You softly started stroking her soft brown hair, silence laced over both of you until you couldn't stand it any longer._

"_Can I ask you something?"._

_Her voice was laced with weariness. "Sure."._

"_What was the worst case you ever worked on?"._

_Even if she was slightly dumbfounded by that question, she didn't show it._

"_Well, actually … I don't really know … I mean I consider every patient as a special individual case. I'm not picking someone over anybody else."._

_The only exception to this statement laying right there with her._

_She thought about your words before continuing._

"_But I think there were two incidents that really struck me deeply. I don't know if you remember it, but four years ago there was this horrible accident on the Lake Mead Boulevard, where a truck hit a school bus full of children. It happened on a day in January, it was unusually cold and raining heavily, the roads were really slippery."._

_As she paused, you thought back and recalled the incident. Former colleagues of yours worked the scene and mentioned it during your general break conversations, and of course, you had heard about it through the media. You knew what a bloody mess they had witnessed there. And honestly, you were glad you hadn't been involved. You couldn't even remember what exact case you were working in that night. But now you realized how selfish that thought was, because right next to you lay a person who had experienced the traumatic events, and she was clearly still deeply shaken by what her eyes had seen. In that second you wondered just how young she had been back then and even more acknowledged her act under such horrible circumstances. Finally it was her voice that brought you back to reality._

"_I was an intern back then, typically naïve and bristling with self-assurance. As the call came in, they said that they needed medical support out in the field. I volunteered to go along with Abby, who refused to let me out at first. But I was stubborn and because we were short-staffed, no one else offered and really every second counted, she gave in. We went with a chopper to the crash scene … and honestly … I will never forget the feeling of uselessness as I felt back at that day."._

_You knew what was yet to come. You knew her feelings. You were all too familiar with the gruesome details of the scene. But nevertheless you listened carefully, seemingly hanging on to every word she said._

"_When we arrived, the trucker and most of the kids were already dead. Due to the impact of the crash, a few were thrown out of the bus. A vast number of body parts lay scattered all over the ground. Somehow a few survivors had made it out of the bus on their own. They were chilled to the bone, severely injured and suffering from shock. We helped them as best as we could. But still, there were a dozen still trapped inside of the wheeler, which threatened to fall over the edge of a cliff. We tried to get to them, tried everything to reach them … but in the end we had to watch them fall to their deaths …"._

_Nothing more was said as she fell into silence. The memories still lingered, painfully in her heart. _

_It allowed your mind to wander. Not once had you thought about the first aider arriving at a crime scene in pure sympathy. Because you witnessed those images on a daily basis. But this was all knew to them. Now you had one lying right beside you, affected by the sights she had seen._

_However, her next words caught you off-guard._

"_What shocked me the most, though, was the headless way I was ready to act back then."._

_Her body started shaking violently._

"_At one point, after we had attended all the injured kids … I … I acted completely unprofessionally … ready to risk my own life in order to get into the bus … if it wasn't for Abby, I would have found a way into the wheeler … I think I would have fallen over the cliff, too. But she caught me in time, scolding me about playing heroine and all that stuff. You probably heard this shit yourself a thousand times."._

_She smiled lightly and chuckled dryly, but still her voice was tainted with sadness. You kissed her forehead, wrapped your arms around her even tighter, trying to shield her from the pain of those haunting memories, squeezing her shoulders in support. A few minutes ago you couldn't have known the anguish your simple question would cause. Now you regretted ever asking that dumb issue, causing her so much pain, putting her through those horrible thoughts again._

" … _but she saved me. Me and my idiotic ass. The aftermath was I got cautioned, had a one-sided verbal disciplinary warning and got an unpaid leave for four weeks."._

_You made a mental note to thank the chief of trauma surgery next time you saw her. You could imagine what trouble the young physician went through. Her blossoming dreams and promising career would have found a sudden end if not for the convincing efforts of Abigail Piezicki._

_A second later came another surprise for you._

"_It was a point in my life when I seriously thought about quitting. I really thought about it. I doubted everything that I had achieved so far. My studies, my reputation, even my own sanity. I mean how can I carry responsibility for patients if I'm not able to do that on my own? How can I be reasonable with the life of others while I pull impulsive stunts like that, risking my own safety?"._

_More tears welled up in her eyes, her sobs became more intense._

"_You might think that four weeks are a long time to wallow in your own misery. Again, it was Abby who pulled me out of my depression, together with my family. But mostly it was her who brought me back to my senses."._

_Make that a bear bone-crashing hug for the brunette mentor of her girlfriend._

"_We hadn't seen nor spoken to each other since the disciplinary enquiry. She told me how mad, yet scared she was about me. We had a long and sincere conversation, both emotionally built-up. In the end we ended up crying. She convinced me to keep going. It was then that I started to fully understand what I could have lost if I had decided otherwise, and how much I owe her. No words will ever be enough to explain my deep gratitude to her."._

_Right at this point, you were impressed and heart struck by her confession._

_Only now you understood the full importance of her words. She had granted you a glimpse inside one of her darkest secrets and fears, and through that she had tried to show you the consequences of your actions. Just like she had had to endure._

_You could still remember her words echoing in your ear, as she had spoken them to you._

'_What you could have lost …'._

_It was the same that she could have lost, what could have been taken away from her … _

_Now you wondered which one of you was the elder one. She held so much wisdom in her heart, it was totally extraordinary for a woman her age._

_After you had dried her tears with your thumbs and kisses, lovingly caressing her skin beneath your fingertips, you decided not to address her mentioned second hard case. You had already put her through enough tonight._

_But at the same time you wanted her to know of your own demons. She had opened up to you, so now it was your turn. This was about opening up towards each other, corroborating the respect and trust for one another, not about further hurting._

_Due to your tender caress she had calmed down noticeably. Still stroking her skin gently, you started to speak softly._

"_For me, there are three incidents that really crawled under my skin, apart from the loss of my father."._

_Her left hand wandered up to cup your left cheek, squeezed it lovingly to let you know she was there, holding you. In return you took her hand and placed a warm kiss into her palm, before placing both your hands back on your right chest. Your hand still wrapped around hers. Then you continued._

"_Five years ago, my former partner and I were closing up our current robbery case. We were both hungry, so we stopped to get something to eat. That's when we heard the transmission from a patrol saying that they were chasing suspects. It was not far from us so we got in our car and joined the pursuit. Those bastards drove like they were obsessed, nearly causing accidents in their attempt to escape. When they caused another crash and were forced to leave their car, all hell broke loose. They started shooting at us with their automatic weapons as they tried to escape. We had stopped too, just like the other two patrol units. We backed up behind our car doors and returned the fire. Then, suddenly, one of the patrol officers got shot and went down …"._

_Your voice died down, laced by sadness as you remembered the awful scene all over again. As well as you recalled the few things you knew about the fallen colleague._

"_He was so young, just came from the police academy. A rookie. Leaving behind his pregnant wife."._

_You took a deep breath to calm and continue._

"_Later during the forensic investigation our CSI's found that Officer Bell died through friendly fire. I mean, it was hard enough to see him die in front of my eyes … but to know that it was one of our own who had killed him … that I could have been his murderer …". You stopped slowly falling back into old memories and the misery you underwent back then._

_It was the squeeze of her hand what brought you back to the present, back to the safety that she provided._

"_Due to my position and the line of my shots it was highly possible that I was the fatal shooter … as soon as this realization hit me, I doubted everything I have ever lived for ..."._

_Both of you realized how much in common you had._

"_I was on administrative leave right after the shootout happened. It was, back until then, the worst time of my career. I didn't knew how to move on."._

_Your thoughts wandered back to the day when you sat in that diner with your partner at that time, Captain Jim Brass. He was so sweet, supporting you with all he had, trying to convince you that it had been an accident. But it was not his words that had burned themselves in your mind, it was your reply that still shook you to the core. _

"_I'm always going to be the cop who shot a cop."._

_Although there was nothing proved by the investigations, it seemed that in the eyes of your friends, your colleagues, your superiors, all of them, you were the murderer of Officer Bell. You weren't sure if you could further live with that burden. You weren't sure if you could continue with your job that you loved and enjoyed so much, knowing that every officer that should back you up in a dangerous situation thought of you as the killer of one of their own …_

_Her words sought you out of your misery. If you weren't paying so much attention to her and weren't laying so close, you would have probably missed them._

"_You were cleared. It wasn't you who killed him."._

_That was totally her. Always pointing out the positive thing from a disaster. Right at that moment you loved her so much for not mouthing the usual pity you had received so often during that time. No, she stood firmly behind you, so proud and sure, supporting you with all that she had. You wished she had been at your side all those years ago, being your anchor and safe haven. Maybe things would have been much easier then …_

_At the same time you wondered about her knowledge._ "_You know what happened?"._

"_Of course, it was all over the news, and I remember they cleared you from all suspicions. Saying that their first suspicion was disproved and instead the investigation showed that the bullet of another police officer caused Bell's death." she explained while stroking your bare chest. "Abby had been the emergency physician at the scene. She told me about the chaos."._

_You frowned at that. You couldn't remember seeing Abigail Piezicki at the scene, let alone the fact that she might had treated you. Seemed like the state of shock you had suffered had been much worse than you had first believed._

"_The evidence showed it was my partner who had shot him. We both attended his funeral … but still, it doesn't make it any easier though. It took me a long time to overcome my guilt and sorrow. Even took me longer to sleep through the nights."._

_It was only a short minute before you fell into an indescribable urge to tell her about the other tormenting occasions in your life._

"_About eighteen months later, we were investigating a case of the so called 'Miniature Killer'. A colleague had received a miniature of a future crime scene and we soon found out who would be the victim as well as the place itself. We sensed our chance to finally catch the killer by setting a trap, leaving an undercover cop who was supposed to pose as the victim, surprise the criminal and arrest him. We had hidden cameras placed in the apartment, so we could keep our colleague, Officer Kamen, under surveillance. But whoever responsible never showed up. I volunteered to take the shift of observation. I sat there for hours, hidden in a secluded room, watching the supposed crime scene. But nothing happened, the killer never appeared. I can't even say how long we waited until our superiors gave the call to cancel the mission. When I entered the apartment to release Kamen from her assignment, I realized she had not moved on the couch. I assumed she had fallen asleep … I mean she had laid there for several hours, just waiting. I couldn't blame her if she dozed off, even if she wasn't allowed to. Anyway, I went over to shake her … and realized the moment I touched her skin that she was dead. She had died right under my eyes … all alone in a locked and guarded room … and I had done nothing to save her …"._

_This time she stayed quiet, providing her support through her close contact of her body and the gentle strokes of her hand over your trembling flesh. She knew as well as you, that words weren't enough to describe your feelings, nor were they able to make it undone. You were glad for her silence, because you couldn't stand the typical 'It wasn't your fault' line. You had heard that far too often as well. Even though you knew it was indeed true, the words didn't stop your doubts or the guilt. Your mother, a captain of the LVPD, had told you those exact words over and over again until you were finally convinced. Still, you couldn't stop wondering if you could have rescued Officer Kamen had you realized what had been going on. Was there any way at all to detect a carbon monoxide poisoning, from a secluded room hundreds of meters away? You had no answer to that question._

_Still you sighed heavily while she continued to caress your naked skin, making it tremble beneath her fingertips, setting your nerves on fire._

_Otherwise she laid quite still, her chest lifting and lowering with the rhythm set by her breath. You understood her silent offer. She remembered that you mentioned three cases that unsettled you. But still, she didn't push or force you to talk about it. It was up to you if you wanted to speak about it. If you chose not to, that was okay with her too._

_Somehow this simple and loving gesture gave you the strength to tell her the last demon of your life._

"_The same woman, the one we called the 'Miniature Killer', abducted a colleague and friend of mine six months later. That insane woman had observed her for about four weeks and then overpowered her in a parking garage. She had left her to die underneath a wrecked car in the middle of the desert during a storm …"._

_You gulped audibly, another flash of gruesome memories came crashing down on you, confronting you with your own emotions._

"_When we found her, she was completely dehydrated … we couldn't even feel a pulse … for a split second I really had lost all hope and thought we were too late. That we had lost her … that we had failed her …"._

"_There is always hope, Sofia. Despite everything you go through and even in the darkest hours. There are places that the darkness cannot touch. The shadows of this world are only small things that will pass and become lost in the foggy ruins of time. But in comparison to the stars, they're nothing. There will always be light and beauty forever beyond its reach. There is and always will be hope …"._

_Touched by her pensive words you paused for a moment to think and to let those words sink into your mind._

_While you continued to muse, her own wheels started to turn in her mind. This all sounded so damn familiar …_

_When you started speaking again, she was already lost in her own thoughts._

"_But what struck me the most was that as we entered her home we found dozens of portraits of Sara."._

_It was the mention of that specific name that triggered her. She got up on her elbow again and shot you an intense glance._

"_Sara … Sara Sidle? The crime scene investigator?"._

_Now you frowned at her in return._

"_You know her?" was all you came up with._

_But instead of answering directly, she started a story of her own._

"_There was this woman, a crime scene investigator, being brought into Palms after she was found out in the desert, all dehydrated, starved and badly burned and injured. That was nearly two years ago. While I treated her I learned that she was abducted by this … how did you call her? Miniature killer? Whatever. I was so intrigued by her strength and will to survive, her story … it really touched me. In fact, that was the second most touching case I had to work."._

_Now you looked at her puzzled._ "_Woah, wait … you were the attending physician?"._

_It was her turn to give you an dumbfounded look._ "_Yeah. Why?"._

"_Just because when we arrived at the emergency room we were told to sit down and wait until the attending doctor, which had been you, would inform us of her condition. Finally, after four hours of waiting a doctor came, but it wasn't you. Instead it was a grey-haired man, whose name I can't recall. But I can't remember ever seeing you around there."._

_She shook her head slightly, still not understanding the crazy coincidence. What intensified your growing confusion was the fact that you still believed that you had met her even before your treatment after the fateful day of the raid. You could swear you saw her distinctive eyes before …_

"_I still can't shake off the feeling as if I have seen you back that day. I mean, before we met when I came into Desert Palm after the raid. Which is absolutely impossible. If you were her attending physician back then I should have met you. But I didn't. I mean, do you get what I want to say? How fucking crazy it is?"._

"_Yeah. That's because I cared for her right after she was brought in. We had to act quickly. So I operated on her, set her radius and ulna back in place, repaired the haemal and nerve damage and then watch over her the first five days that she stayed in the ICU. Right after emergency surgery I send my colleague, Dr. Gordon, to talk to you, 'cause I was pretty exhausted. Couldn't even stand on my own two feet. When I went to talk to her relatives later, there were only her partner and maybe two colleagues, really. I never saw you there. After that I handed her care over to Gordon."._

_She stopped and fell in a state of sorrow._

"_I had to hand all my patients over to Abby and Gordon due to an emergency in my own family."._

_Her voice died as she was too overwhelmed to talk, her gaze trailing off._

_You took that as your sign to pull her back down in your embrace, wrapping your arms around her protectively, placing soft kisses in her hazelnut hair__. But still you wondered what that family emergency had been. For now she stuck for an answer and you didn't want to push her either._

_At the same time you marvelled. If things had only gone a little bit different and if destiny hadn't been in your way, you would have met years before. _

_You fell in your own memories, recalling the events in the waiting area until one swift moment lingered. At one point during your long wait you had decided to get coffee and something to eat for everybody. You later learned that in your absence, a doctor had informed your friends and colleagues about Sara's condition. But that was not what had caught your senses. It was the fact that on your way out of the hospital you had rounded a corner and not a second later your body had collided with a soft feminine counterpart. The woman in dark-blue scrubs was caught completely off-guard and had lost her balance by the sudden contact. It was thanks to your quick reflexes that you had got hold of her and steadied her before she could fall roughly to the floor. The moment you realized what had happened you started to apologize repeatedly, looking at the other person to see if she was alright. Only a second later, your ocean-blue eyes met a pair of tired and exhausted looking crystal-blue ones._

_And only now did it occur to you. The person that you had ran into … it had been her! How could you have forgotten about that small encounter? Of course you had seen her before! Your intuition had been right all the time!_

_Your running thoughts made another skip back to Natalie Davis and the fear she had arose._

"_In a strange and horrified way, she was obsessed with her and honestly, it scares the shit out of me, thinking that someone would stalk me or my family the way she did. I would do everything to keep my beloved ones safe. Everything …". _

_You paused before looking in her ice-blue eyes that stared at you._

_You had just poured out your heart to her. Never before had you opened up about your feelings and thoughts when you had entered the apartment of Natalie Davis. Never before had you told somebody how deeply the insight had shocked you. To get face to face with all those almost perfect miniatures and outlines from your co-worker as well as the dozens of photographs taken from her at close range. To come eye to eye with such an incredible extent of obsession, it had scared you. You, a year-long experienced Crime Scene Investigator and Detective, had been scared to your core and it left you terrified._

"_It might sound like I'm paranoid to you, but I can't help it."._

"_No it doesn't. But it proves my suspicion that you're the most caring and warm hearted person I've ever met, and I love every bit of it. After all you went through and all the gruesome sights your job throws at you, you're still standing, still going. You're still the adorable, attractive, sincere and, forgive me, smug, woman I fell in love with and that I'm so proud of."._

_To make her point even clearer she kissed your lips passionately._

_Now you were struck deeply by her honesty, warmth filling not only your heart, but also your eyes. When you finally returned her kiss, both of you smiled broadly._

_You hesitated when another thought came into your mind out of the blue. It was directed at the woman lying in your arms. You looked down at her, your eyes clearly shadowed by fear._

"_Just thinking what might occur if something like that happened to you … I think I would completely lose my sanity …"._

_She silenced you with another deep kiss, cupping your cheek with her hand._

"_Sssh, don't think about it. Nothing's going to happen to me. Remember, I'm the one hiding back in the safety of a hospital. It should be me worrying about you out there in the field."._

_You kissed for an eternity until both your lungs screamed in need for oxygen._

"_I still can't believe that we have met all that time ago." you stated._

_Both of you smirked at one another and suddenly burst out laughing by the craziness of the situation._

"_But it took you another year to barge into my ER and make your presence known to me?" she teased through her laugher._

"_Yeah seems so, and I do hate every minute I stayed on my own!"._

"_Me too."._

_After you calmed down, you pushed yourself deeper into your pillows, dragging the sheets over your exposed bodies and settled your arms again over her shoulders. She for her part lowered her head back on your left chest, placing another sweet kiss onto the bandage over your wound before finally making herself comfortable and snuggling in. Only concentrating on the lean, strong body embracing her, the steady beating of your heartbeat underneath her ear lulling her into night's rest._

"_We should probably get some sleep." you whispered._

_Even if she was already dozing off, she hummed in reply. "Hmm."._

_Before finally falling victim to your own exhaustion, you leaned up one last time and kissed her hair, softly breathing._

"_Good night, sweety. Sleep tight."._

* * *

><p>The sun had risen early to indicate the beginning of a new day. Even in the morning hours it shone with such an intensity into the sombre atmosphere of the deserted bedroom and spread a comfortable warmth it was hard to believe it was a decent balmy autumn day. It was a relentless fight of darkness and light. As if the bright star wanted to finally fight off and defeat the shadows that had captured the desperate woman lying in the sheets and set her free of all the demons she had to live with. Like it tried and make up for the mess that life had turned out to be. The sun rays that were shining through the bright curtains into the room engulfed the bed in a cocoon of golden and warm light, tickled the bare skin of the blonde womans neck, as well as the ocean-blue eyes secretly hidden under their lids. Harassed by the mocking sensation of the light, her eyes started a slow dance under their covers. For many long minutes she hopelessly tried to resist them in order to find her way back into blackness and oblivion, lolling from one side to another and back again only moments later. But to no avail.<p>

Slowly, her senses sharpened and came to life again. Even if she didn't want them to. She was still in a state of doze, preferred to further hide from reality. Not ready to get up or to face the world around her.

Because for her, as soon as she would open her eyes she found herself back in the horrid nightmare which her life had seemingly become. As soon as she would put her feet on the carpet, she had to walk through that living hell.

They say that after a long and hard day, nights were your chance to recharge your batteries and escape into the restful peace of sleep in order to face the next twenty-four hours.

In her world, there was no difference between day and night, day-dream or nightmare, anymore. In the prison she was living now, both day and night held the same hell for her. With the devil as producer. She found no rest or peace. There was no escape for her. Not during daytime, nor at night.

Each passing second that she spent with her sinister thoughts, still lying in her bed, she realized more and more that reality had brought her back in its misery. That she was on her own again, left lonely in her plight.

The echo of a long sorely missed but still familiar voice caught her by surprise as it emerged from deep back in her mind …

_But still, there was hope …_

That most famous line spoken by her girlfriend, which she had caught and picked up as her daily personal mantra. Those words that held so much sanguinity. A deeply meaningful phrase that brought her through the lonely empty days and darkest nights. It reminded her to keep fighting, to keep going. It was what kept her alive.

No matter how hard it was. She couldn't remember the last day that she hadn't started with those words echoing in her head. Not a single day passed whereby she hadn't imagined the brunettes convincing features carrying even the slightest bit of hope.

Even if she couldn't feel the presence and warmth of her lover beside her, it didn't mean that last night's dream had to be true.

In the end, it could have been pure delusion, simply only a dream. She could have just imagined it all. Her mind could have tricked her after all it wouldn't be the first time, would it?

But still it seemed she had already lost her ability to distinguish between what was real and what was not!

Despite the fear, she released her left arm from under her pillow and slowly moved it to the left bedside. As her fingers slid over the soft sheets she prayed, her heart pounded relentlessly in her chest, its echo pounding in her ears.

It was just as she feared, the place next to her was empty and cold. There had never been anybody with her. She was all alone, just like every other morning she awoke over the past few weeks.

This was just another day in which she had opened her eyes with only the slightest hint of hope in her aching heart. All too soon her hopes were smashed down once more. Despite being totally aware of her situation, she still became deeply disappointed each time it happened. Day, after day, after day.

Slowly she turned on her back, letting out a deep sad sigh while she moved and spread out her right arm to the spot on the mattress where her lover should be. As if spellbound she fixed her eyes on the empty sheets. Maybe she thought that by wishing and staring intensely enough, her lover would simply reappear by the sheer willpower of her mind. For a fleeting moment, it felt as if the brunette really was there with her, lying right next to her. It was as if she could really see in her shining blue eyes, see her bright happy smile, stroke her soft delicate skin beneath her fingertips.

This was proof that she was no longer able to separate her imagination from reality. She could no longer distinguish between delusion and actuality. She had indeed lost that ability a long time ago, together with her sanity and her heart.

Driven by her illusion she slowly lifted her right hand to stroke the imaginary naked back of her girlfriend. But when her fingers failed to meet warm flesh as it was supposed to, but instead the cold blank sheets of her bed, she instantly came back to her senses and flinched.

It was frightening just how easily her own mind played it's sick tricks with her, not only during the nights, but throughout the daytime as well.

It was then that another memory flashed in front of her eyes, the soft voice of the brunette echoing in her ears as if she was sitting next to her …

"_I __love this __time __early in the morning__. __The sunrise __... __when the world __is __still full of __hope."._

A sudden, but familiar feeling of sorrow overwhelmed her from deep down inside. She winced vehemently, only to realize that with every further second, the illusion of her lover faded until it finally vanished completely. In the process she had been unaware the fresh and long-familiar moisture welling up in her eyes until now. She stayed in that position and let her emotions consume her.

So it became the routine, hope followed by disappointment. This was her morning, they gradually became fearful. Since the disappearance of her lover, each day she woke up with the slightest hope in her chest, a tenacious feeling deeply hidden down her heart, that left her thinking she might have just imagined the whole sorry event. Sadly only to be disappointed a second later. At the beginning, her hope was bigger than her anticipation. But with each passing day, it was taken away piece by piece and instead replaced by fear and desperation. The emotional roller-coaster in the mornings had lasted, she was visibly weakened and exhausted mentally. Not a day had gone by which had not started with those painful tears, the result of spending so many nights alone in their bed, only to wake in the morning lonely, not knowing if she was ever to see her lover again. The only thing left was her equally fading hope.

… _But still, there was hope …_

Sleep had become a phenomenon to her. If fate was kind to her she would simply collapse and black out from exhaustion after she came home from an extended shift to her now empty and forlorn house. In that case, her insane senses would not have the chance to torture her further. But if she was not granted this kind of sanctuary she would stay awake all night long, in deep monologue with her mind and tormented by her racing thoughts. Whichever way she spent her nights, she would never be able to find peace.

She already preferred the couch to her bed, which just tortured her with all the memories it contained. But even her sofa didn't ease any of the anguish, holding just as many reminders of the time with her lover as did her bed.

Her house was another sorry story. Although she had neglected most of the household chores, she just didn't care. If this house had ever been filled with any spirit and passion, it had already vanished, leaving an empty and lifeless shell. There was no reason to pretend anything else. No reason to be happy arriving back home, when there wasn't the person waiting that you loved.

The only normal and regular thing she forced herself to manage was a sporadic walk with Flinn once a day. She knew she was responsible for the young dog although he seemed to be just in the same melancholy state that she had fallen into. Seeing the dog imitating her behaviour upset her even more. He was still in a teenage stage, sportive, attentive and cheeky as any dog his age would be. If she had projected her current lost shape onto the puppy or whether it was his true nature, she didn't know. People say that pets have a special sense when their owners were depressed, and well, Flinn really appeared more alerted than ever when he was with her. But ever since the loss of their loved one, it seemed that Flinn had skipped that stage of youthful days in his life. He had become more guarding about his mistress, even eminently distrusting towards strangers. She noticed that he never let her out of his sight, always kept his sharpened eyes on her to make sure she was alright. But occasionally he showed a change in behaviour as he tried to lighten up her mood. She had to admit, even deep down in her sorrow, that her loyal companion had put a ghost of a smile on her face now and then. But more often he was just as gloomy as his mistress, his steps not as sprightly as they used to be.

They had stuck to their usual walk to the park only a few blocks away from the house, sauntering along mostly in silence. Flinn picked up the few orders given and followed her by the heels. When they reached the park, the blonde would release the leash on Flinn's collar to let him run. But the dog instead chose to stay at her side, not ready to leave her. It took quite a while before the hyper-protective dog was ready to drop his focus and turn around to have some fun, but eventually it became a sober routine. She realized, she was not the only one suffering.

She was relieved that during the time she was at work, her mother and her neighbours were willing to take care of Flinn. Leon, the thirteen-year-old son of her neighbours, took the dog on hikes after he finished school and homework. Apart from her mother, the Landon's only knew a small part of the truth about the missing brunette. But she already assumed the family knew what was really going on, even though they left it unspoken. Instead, they tried to help and support her as much as they could. Leon played a very important part, spending a lot of time with Flinn.

It was somehow bewildering just how quickly and dramatically a situation can change. Before the ordeal, mornings were her favourite part of the day. She had adored the early hours, Quite often she would awake before her girlfriend, after propping herself up on the pillow she enjoyed gazing at her companion sleeping peacefully. Sometimes she would sneak innocent touches and gentle tender strokes. She was fascinated by the beauty of her lover in this pure and innocent state. The simple company of her love in the early hours alone gave her enough strength to carry her through a new day of never-ending crime and survive all the brutality and insanity of human beings that her job confronted her with.

But now things were so very different … now mornings seemed the most cruel thing in the world. Ironically it seemed like crime had literally raped her life, had infiltrated her home, even captured her soul and had broken her heart and will. It had followed her, had taken away the one thing that she loved the most and left her lonely and tormented.

Now each time she opened her eyes she hoped she might have escaped the nightmare that haunted her every single night, sadly the reality soon dawned that there was for her no such escape. Every new day became an episode of her perpetual nightmare.

When you open up your heart to a loved one you become dependent upon them. It has to be so if there is any honesty and trust to be shared. So how painful it is when suddenly you find yourself alone, and vulnerable. How difficult, make that nearly impossible, it is to exist on your own when somehow the other one is taken away from you. It feels like a part of your soul is missing, half of your heart ripped away leaving an open wound from which is escaping your very life blood.

So after she awoke from that memory filled sleep she realized one thing. It had not been a nightmare. It was a dream. A wonderful, perfect dream, containing reminders of the brunette that she had treasured deeply. And to prove it, she felt the moisture between her legs that had not dried. She could still feel it with every movement, cold on her inner thighs. However, Sofia wished it had been a nightmare. Because a nightmare was easily overcome once you were awake. She would be able to dismiss the terror, and pain by reminding herself it had only been a nightmare, it had not been real. But this dream that had affected her physically and together with her current life … there was no such simple consolation. Reminding herself it had not been real caused the nauseating pain to double in force. It had not been real, and the truth of it almost made Sofia lose herself to tears again.

Life went on, with or without her. Instead, she had tried to fight it, had tried to be strong and immersed herself in her work, desperately trying to get a hold of her girlfriend. But sooner or later, her highly built-up walls and the façade she tried so hard to maintain started crumbling dangerously. She would ultimately reach her breaking point, at some level, even if she was still not ready to face it, nor ready to admit defeat when it already laughed directly in her face from above while she lay literally beaten and bloody on the ground. But she was all too aware of it.

She was told to let go, to forget, to move on by some of her colleagues, even a few of her friends … family members. But none of those bastards knew how hard it was to abandon the one person you loved with all your heart and soul. Only her mother and brother knew.

For even if she, at one point, would at least waste a second on that thought to move on, she would never be herself anymore. More importantly, she would never forgive herself. Hell, in that short time she had already become nothing more than a faint ghost in the crowd, a growing shadow of her former self.

It had been four weeks. Four freaking fucking tormenting weeks, which consisted of twenty-eight days of steady fear and self-doubts and one hundred and ninety-six minutes of a constant war between hope and despair, between fighting and resignation. It ripped her apart. There were many notations for a period of time in which she had steadily lost a part of herself. In which her heart died slowly, piece by piece. So now, she was finally on the brink of insanity.

God only knows how much pain her girlfriends' parents and her brother had to go through, but she assumed it to be just as intense and excruciating as the agony she was experiencing. She knew it was selfish of her, but strangely she was glad that she wasn't alone with her feelings that way. For those thoughts, she was deeply disgusted by herself.

If it hadn't been for her and Alex' family, she would have already given up on life. Without their support, she would have lost not only herself, but even her last glimmer of hope.

But it was still glowing. Just a tiny light surrounded by the infinity of darkness, piercing through the shadows. It was still glowing …

Every new day meant living through a whole new lonely agony. Just a pointless waste of time and breath. But still, there was this seemingly immortal and indestructible, steady flicker of light that always reminded her …

_There has to be hope._

Yeah, there had to be hope. Because if she started to lose that, she would have nothing left. Nothing that kept her up.

She took a deep shaky breath, let the tears fall freely but willed her mind to choke back the sobs that shocked her freezing body. Instead she turned around and buried her face in her pillow, grabbing it and the sheets beneath her tightly with all her might, leaving the knuckles of her right hand to stand out pale against her skin.

Memories were what made her latest dreams. Only last night she dreamt about how it all began. How the best and happiest part of her life had started. Moments before she awoke, she was confronted with another memory. She recalled a special night between them when they told each other about their darkest demons. Together they had overcome them and turned them into something positive.

For a long time she had no control of her emotions anymore. She had lost herself countless times, had broken down in tears before. Still she couldn't understand how she was further able to produce those fresh tears every further day. Surely she had cried out everything that was left inside of her.

As she turned her head to the right, still lying on her front, she was not prepared to be met by a pair of worried brown eyes encased by black fur staring directly at her. It took her another second to calm down from the slight shock and to understand it was Flinn at her bedside watching her.

"Holy shit, Flinn! Make yourself known next time you sneak up on me, little boy!".

She had never noticed him being in the same room with her. As far as she remembered, he had left the room together with Sara yesterday. He might have heard her sobs and instantly returned to her side, simply watching over her sleep as he always did.

Now his muzzle laid only inches away from her, on the edge of the bed. As if he wanted to answer her, he cocked his head and whined. Only a second later his ears propped up, he started wagging his tail and let out a low bark.

"Well, good morning to you too.".

For the first time in ages her lips curled up in a full smile by the sight of her dog. Lifting her right hand she stroke through his long hair, caressing his head.

"You know you're a good guy, don't you?". It was completely nuts to direct a question at an animal, she knew that. But still, in that moment she just couldn't help herself.

But this special canine made her think that just maybe he understood what she was saying. At least he always acted in a way that let her believe it.

Then out of a blue he stepped back and started to spin a few times on the floor before facing her again, tail still waggling. His own special way to motivate her to get up and out of bed. Again she started laughing at the blunt act by the dog.

"Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I'm up.".

Sighing deeply she pulled the bed sheets aside, sat up on the bed before placing her bare feet on the ground and stood up.

He looked up at her and as she glanced in his eyes she noticed they were shining, in a happy manner. There he was ahead of her. Her eyes didn't contain the slightest brightness.

Shaking her head she walked over to her dresser and selected some casual clothes. A black bottom blouse together with a black pantsuit and fresh underwear of course. She couldn't help but choose the dark colour, lately it felt to suit her the most. Then she turned around and faced the mess of her bed room. She had never really given it much thought, but now that another person, Sara, had witnessed it, she felt shame creeping up her insides. She felt bad for disregarding her own home to such an extent. So at this moment she mentally promised to improve on that aspect. She knew Alex would freak out and rip her head apart if she could see the chaos.

As soon as the thoughts of her lover entered her mind, she felt the familiar sadness overwhelming her.

"I'll be right back." she addressed her dog. Again, shaking her head she walked over towards the adjacent bath that was next to the bed room, mumbling under her breath.

"Great. Now I'm talking with a pet as if it's human. Seems like I'm getting paranoid.".

With every step she took, a set of brown eyes watched her intently until the bath room door was closed. With that, Flinn lowered herself down on the floor, waiting patiently for his owner to re-emerge.

Closing the door behind her she fell into an almost automatic routine, feeling like a robot trapped in a cage made of skin. Walking over to the sink she dropped her clothes on the nearby cabinet. Then she stripped out of her sleep wear and was just about to turn on and enter the shower when the reflection in the mirror caught her attention. She stopped midway in her tracks, slowly twisted back to stare at her own mirrored image. What she saw there, startled her. Her mother had often told her that she had changed. That she didn't look like herself anymore. But just like with her house hold, she never really had taken much notice. Now, seeing her features, she finally understood that she had not only neglected her house. It felt like looking right at a ghost. In fact she was more than tempted to make a grimace just to see if it really was her reflection. She had most certainly lost weight, at least five kilos. Her eyes were shadowed by deep dark circles underneath. Her cheeks had sunken. Her arms were still strong and firm, the biceps outstanding, but the bones became slightly visible. Something that she recalled wasn't the case since her childhood. She looked exhausted and haunted. Her skin had become pale, normally she used to have a healthy suntanned complexion. Now she rather looked like death warmed up. Like the corpses she had to deal with due to her work. Even though, lately she hadn't been out in the field as much as she had been used to while being a Detective. That was what being the Deputy Chief brought along. More paperwork and bureaucracy, less field experience. But that was what she had wanted and honestly, as much as she had loved to be out on the streets and at crime scenes, she was happy to be now on a safer spot. Not only for her lovers benefit. During the time as a Detective, she never knew if she would return home safely. Every day meant she had to expose herself to the danger of getting hurt. She had dodged bullets, had to stay out of the reach of knives, had been fighting suspects twice her height. Still, she was able to stay on her own two feet.

That's when her wandering eyes caught it, the only visible and remaining memento of a failed fight.

Her gaze suddenly was caught, stayed on the healed flesh as if it was under a spell. Without her noticing it, her right hand reached up, fingertips warily touching the large scar as if by the slightest contact it could start hurting the same way as it had when she was stabbed. For only the briefest moment she imagined it was not her fingers touching, but those of her lover. Still fixing the spot on her chest, she clenched her fist above the paler skin. As she further stared at her reflection, the steady beat of her heart underneath her hand caught her attention and brought her out of the flashbacks from the incident.

Instead memories of the intimate night flooded her vision. The night when she had laid her girlfriends hand above her heart, confessing that it was meant to be Alex' forever. The night the brunette had kissed the scar and sealed the unofficial deal that way.

Sofia caught herself again in a moment in which something terrible was turned into something good, due to her lover. That special ability somehow comforted her, even with Alex not physically around. With that realization she smiled faintly, finally turned and stepped into the shower. She enjoyed the short refreshment for several minutes before she dried herself and went on with the daily routine. After quickly dressing she walked out of the bathroom and was instantly greeted by her dog. She patted his head shortly and then went to exit her bedroom.

"Come on little guy, time to face the world.".

With that he barked, sprang to his feet and lead the way out of the room. But as Sofia reached the doorway she momentarily stopped, throwing a quick glance back over her shoulder into her desolated bed room. She made the note to deal with the mess as soon as she returned.

While climbing down the steps of her stairs a pleasant smell flooded her nostrils. However, she couldn't tell what was been cooked. When she entered her living room, she suddenly froze. Her eyes quickly scanned her surroundings and when the images finally entered her brain, she swore she had been kidnapped herself over night and was placed in a house that looked in all its details identical to her own, only that it had been tidied up. Nothing remained of the mess that she had left behind hours ago. The wooden table which had been littered with numerous fast-food bags, half-filled glasses and beer bottles was now clean and empty, apart from the flower vase and tidily arranged LVPD case files. The carelessly forgotten blankets on her couch had been neatly folded, so too had the pillows. There was absolutely no sign of her heedlessly discarded clothes that she had thrown over her armchair. Instead there lay a pillow on the seat of the chair. But her clothes were nowhere to be found. Still looking in astonishment and trying to find a proper explanation she hadn't noticed the figure just a few feet away from her.

As soon as Flinn had joined Sara's side she knew that Sofia was awake and on her way down.

Against her inner instincts she had walked around the kitchen table over to the cupboards which contained several family images of the house owners she had already seen yesterday. But this time there was a reason that made her stare at the picture of the young brunette woman, Alex. After cleaning up she had made herself comfortable on the couch, trying to catch some rest as well. Though, her thoughts raced dangerously in her mind and even after shutting her eyes, she couldn't stop thinking. Soon she had fallen into a slight state of sleep, in which she recalled the events after her rescue out of the desert. Ever since she awoke she was caught by a suspicion, and that suspicion was what led her in front of the picture, looking at the woman.

She had never sensed Sofia coming up to watch her. Sofia on her part had to overcome her own shock, and observed the brunette for a few seconds. She wondered what Sara might be thinking and came to the conclusion that sooner or later, she would have to enlighten the seemingly clueless investigator about a small missing part of her memories. She didn't want to startle her friend but, it didn't seem that Sara would get out of her paralyzed state so she softly addressed her.

"Good morning, Sara".

Surprised by the voice, the brunette spun around, looking at Sofia like she had been an alien. She took a deep breath to calm down before walking towards the blonde.

"Hey Sofia. Good morning to you, too. Sorry I didn't hear you". Still finding it hard to come up with words and realize what Sara had done, Sofia remained silent.

Instead her gaze travelled through her living room, Sara's voice caught her attention, as the brunette walked towards her. Flinn for his part, walked a few more steps into the room before turning to Sofia, waggling his tail as if he wanted to present their work as well. Sofia patted his head once again, then he hurried over to his basket to leave the two women to themselves.

"How's the headache?" Sara asked with concern.

"It's gone. The aspirin served the purpose.".

"So, did you sleep well?".

Now she turned her head, facing Sara. "You're my guest, I should ask you that.".

"… I … um …", she paused trying to find the right words, "… kept myself busy …".

"Yeah, I see that. Sara, you didn't have to clean up the mess I've created.".

"Take it as a friends offer. You haven't been yourself lately.".

"Still, that's no excuse for the chaos. I'm sorry you had to witness all this.". Sofia referred to the now vanished disorder by raising her arms up and pointed to her living room.

But Sara waved it off. "Hey, don't worry about it. I'm used to getting only a few hours of sleep, and I really had no problem with doing the cleaning.".

Sensing how tensed Sofia was and seeing no need in it, Sara tried to lighten up the mood.

"But still, I left the laundry to you. You will have to deal with that on your own. The pile of washing is as high as the Rocky Mountains." she smiled at Sofia, making it obvious that she was kidding. She was glad when she received a faint grin in return.

Finally Sara indicated for the still stunned Sofia to join her in the kitchen.

Before she seated herself on one of the chairs, Sofia had a quick look around and was amazed to see that Sara had not only been busy in the living room. She had also been busy in the kitchen too. She then faced her guest and looked her directly in the eyes.

"Sara, thank you. For doing all this.".

"Don't mention it. It's fine. Now come and sit down, I hope you're hungry. I made some pancakes, because it seems to me that you could do with a square meal. There is fresh coffee waiting, too.".

Sofia sighed, letting herself sink into the seat. "Yeah I know. My mother keeps saying that all the time."

Sara leaned in, after placing a plate and a cup of coffee in front of the blonde, as well as sugar and milk. "The captain is right.".

During her cleaning session she had learned where Sofia had kept all her household and kitchen utensils. A few things she had discovered with the help of the diligent and attentive dog. As soon as she got herself something to eat, she sat down opposite Sofia. Although she didn't know how the blonde liked her coffee. But she noticed that Sofia had already taken a long sip of her drink, all black. Just like she preferred hers.

Sofia deliberated whether to tackle Sara about her mother's exit from the police service.

"My mom stopped working with the police." she whispered with regret after a few seconds.

Anyway, Sara caught her words and looked at her stunned.

"What?".

Setting the mug down after another gulp in which the hot liquid burned her throat until it finally settled in her empty stomach, she looked at Sara.

"It's a long story. But she was forced to stop the police work.".

Sara felt that Sofia was, for now, not ready to enlighten her about the faith of her mother, the famous and feared Captain Curtis. With that knowledge she started working on her own meal.

Meanwhile Sofia reached for the cutlery and started to play with her food, contemplating if she really was hungry and if her stomach would hold the nutriment. In the end, her body made the decision for her by announce its awaiting pleasure with an audible growl. Slowly she cut the pancake into pieces and started eating. Surprisingly realized that she was a lot hungrier than she had at first thought. By the time Sara had finished her first pancake, Sofia was busy helping herself to her third, together with her second mug of coffee. Before she finally returned to her seat, Sofia asked if Sara wanted another pancake or more coffee but the investigator denied with a smile.

"I didn't knew you were such an incredible housewife.", Sofia stated in between bites, "That has to be the influence of marriage then. Are you really sure you don't want to switch jobs? I could really need some help around here, as you have seen.". She finished with a smirk her voice laced with sarcasm.

With that Sara couldn't help but burst out laughing. Trying to contain her laugher she replied, "Well I do know a few tricks to stay alive on my own. As for your job offer: Thanks, but no thanks! I'm pretty happy the way it is now." she smiled broadly.

Sofia grinned in return. "That's good to hear. Would be a shame to lose a genius investigator like you.".

After pausing for a while, another thought entered her brain and she looked confused at Sara.

"What time is it, by the way?"

Quickly checking her watch Sara replied. "It's nearly eight in the morning."

Spilling a good part of her just taken sip Sofia's eyes widened in shock, realizing she had just slept a good ten hours through. That was new personal record so far.

"Holy fuck …".

"Seemed like you were more tired than you thought, and honestly, you look much more rested than yesterday.".

"Yeah, true.". Sofia had to admit, she even felt better than yesterday.

"I called Catherine and asked to come in a bit later. Said I had to deal with something else important first.".

"She didn't question your reasons?" Sofia asked through bites.

"No, not really. She was a bit concerned though. But I had gathered some overtime hours that I had to deduct anyway. You know, old habits die hard. Killed two birds with one stone.".

Finally, Sofia had finished her meal and leaned back in her seat, totally replete. Sara for her part had finished her meal several minutes before and spent some time watching Sofia hungrily swallowing her food.

"So, did you get any sleep at all? Please don't tell me you stayed up all night doing my housework."

"No, when I was finished I settled down on your couch. I did not feel too motivated to return to my apartment. And I really wanted to keep an eye on you, just in case. Even though, you do have a keen and worried bodyguard here. As soon as you were asleep, he followed me down, got in his basket and watched me while I worked." Sara looked toward Flinn in amazement, who's ears propped up instantly.

"He's a good guy.".

"Yeah he is. He might get an ego boost if we keep telling him too often." Sofia joked.

"Seems to runs in the family then." Sara suggested smilingly. Sofia for her part, ignored the hint.

The dog listened closely to the noises made by the women.

"When I woke I made sure you were still asleep, grabbed the melted ice-pack and took Flinn for a walk. We made a beeline for the market around the block and got some stuff since your fridge was … well, almost empty. As we returned he walked up the stairs and spent the rest of the morning in your room. I left your door open an inch just in case. Maybe he felt guilty for leaving you alone for so long. I hope we didn't wake you up.".

Finally the dog let his head drop back down on his basket.

"No, you didn't. Surprisingly I've slept through the whole night without interruption.".

"Now that hasn't happened for a long while?".

Sofia sighed again, "Yeah. Feels like an eternity." After only a second to ponder the thought Sara was about to reach for Sofia's tableware until the blonde dismissed her action, got up and took their dishes.

"Now it's my turn. You've done enough already. Really, I can't thank you sufficiently.".

"Sofia, I told you once and I will only say it one more time. It's fine, honestly, I'm happy I could help you.".

Sofia couldn't come up with a proper response so instead she turned around and sent Sara a warm grateful smile. Then she made a quick calculation and offered.

"Hey, if you want to take a shower you can gladly use the guest bathroom. In the meantime I'm going to finish here and afterwards make some phone calls.".

Sara looked playfully offended to the blonde, sniffing the air around her teasingly. "Do I stink that bad?".

That brought a light chuckle from the woman who shook her head. "No, of course not. Just thought you might want to freshen up before work.".

"I might take you up on that .".

"Please do. It is the least I can do after you have done so much for me. Do you need any clothes?".

"No, I have some spare clothes at the lab. I will change as soon as we get there, but thanks".

"Okay, so while you're showering, I will call the Boulder City crime lab ….".

Once again, Sofia's words died at the recall of her situation. During the last minutes Sara had been successfully able to distract her, to push the thoughts of her missing girlfriend to the back of her mind. But now, it all came crashing down on her with full force. Sara sensed that Sofia's demons had reappeared.

She simply replied, "I think we have a deal then.".

Sara got up and made her way out of the kitchen, suddenly she stopped and faced Sofia with a stern and sincere smile, before completely vanishing.

"And you should call your mother, too. She has tried to reach you a number of times. And I fear that, even if she isn't with the police anymore, she might send a SWAT team to your place anyway and let them kick in the front door.".

Sofia smiled in return, "I will, thanks.".

With that Sara shared a questioning look. "Uhm … first on the right?".

"Nearly. First room left." the blonde winked.

"Ah, thanks. Well, I'll be right back.".

With that, Sara headed up the stairs. A few minutes later Sofia was done with her work and turned to walk out into the living area to get her cell from the table. Firstly she called her mother, knowing that she was certainly worried sick by Sofia's lack of response. Since the time she was alone, her mother had become more caring and concerned over her youngest child. She tried to keep the call as short as possible, convincing Anna that she was fine, and told her that she was about to hand the case over to the LVPD. Anna had supported her daughters' decision. They agreed to meet later, after Sofia returned from work, knowing that she would usually pick another hour of overtime. She also offered to come by Sofia's house to take care of Flinn.

Her next step was to call Susan and Jonathan Jenson, Alex' parents. She couldn't make a move without their permission. Everything else would feel like betrayal of confidence, she had grown so close to her girlfriends family. They agreed on Sofia's thoughts, convincing her that they trusted her entirely. Before Sofia excused herself from her parents-in-law they chatted a few more minutes, asking each other on their well-being and Alex' parents asked the blonde that she should take care of herself and that they would meet soon, together with Sofia's mother. The Deputy Chief was overwhelmed by the support and solace she received from them. It showed her how much all of the Jenson's, a family with German roots, had excepted her and how deeply she had become a part of them.

After saying their goodbyes Sofia had called the Assistant Director of the Boulder City crime lab and ordered the transfer of all evidence for the Jenson case to Las Vegas. As she had expected, Albert Franks hadn't been pleased with the sudden hand over of his case, but after the heated scold and menaced warning by the Deputy Chief for not following orders, he held back any sharp reply that was no doubt on his tongue. However, it took an enormous amount of self-control for Sofia to contain her own emotional feelings. As soon as Flinn noticed the aggravated tone in the blonde's voice, together with her tensed posture, he immediately hurried to her side. After she hung up she plopped herself down on her couch, whispering a harsh "Asshole" through her teeth before she lowered her gaze down to the floor, closing her eyes while massaging her neck with her right hand. She felt already strained and slightly exhausted by the simple phone call, but boosted at the same time. Finally, she thought, the search for her girlfriend would get back in the right tracks. With her old friends around, she would stand a better chance of finding her.

_There is still hope._

When she looked up again, her eyes first caught the case files and then found the pictures on the opposite wall. She couldn't help it but stood up and walked over. Sofia was now totally unaware that the shower in the guest bathroom was no longer running.

She simply stayed in front of the reflection of her lover, transfixed by the sight. For many minutes she just stared, unaware that Sara had emerged from upstairs.

This time, the roles were reversed. It was Sara watching the blonde, finally softly addressing her in order to not startle her.

"Hey. Ready when you are.".

Sofia turned, took a deep breath and fixed Sara with a gaze that held so much sorrow, yet appreciation. She had recognized what Sara had done for her.

As Sara stared back she saw the flamelet deep down in the blonde eyes and knew that Sofia's hope had been reignited. However, the next words spoken with so much sincerity and seriousness caught her off-guard.

„Sara, I owe you an explanation.".

* * *

><p><em>All of my memories keep you near.<br>In silent moments,  
>Imagine you'd be here.<br>All of my memories keep you near.  
>The silent whispers …<br>Silent tears …_

_Together in all these memories,  
>I see your smile.<br>All the memories I hold dear.  
>Darling you know I love you,<em>  
>'<em>til the end of time …<em>

_(Within Temptations ~ "Memories")_

* * *

><p>I'm looking forward to this coming friday. The Icelandic musician Ólafur Arnalds is coming to Dresden for a concert! I absolutely love his music! Which is a very huge source of inspiration, not only for this story. I might get kissed by the muse after his performance, yay!<br>If somebody feels alright to share your thoughts and impressions in a review, you're welcome to do so.  
>So far, thank you for your interest and have a good time!<br>Take care and stay safe!

Dragodina


	6. Chapter V

As always I want to give my thanks to the ones sticking along! I also want to thank **wanderingraincloud** for your kind review! Another big thanks goes to my beloved big bros' who still keeps up with my endless imagination and serves as my beta reader! Thank you for accompanying me on this journey and your never ending patience!  
>I know it took me ages to finally come up with this update. The list of explanations is long but I will spare you the details. All I can say though, is that I'm delighted to finally upload a new chapter.<br>The first installment is written in italics and in second person pronoun, which means it's a dream and/or memory scenario.  
>For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.<br>I hope you enjoy reading.

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter V ~<strong>

_You're not alone,_  
><em>Together we stand.<em>  
><em>I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand.<em>  
><em>When it gets cold,<em>  
><em>And it feels like the end.<em>  
><em>There's no place to go,<em>  
><em>You know I won't give in.<em>

_Keep holding on,_  
><em>'Cause you know we'll make it through.<em>  
><em>Just stay strong,<em>  
><em>There's nothing you could say,<em>  
><em>Nothing you could do.<em>  
><em>There's no other way when it comes to the truth.<em>  
><em>So keep holding on,<em>  
><em>'Cause you know we'll make it through.<em>

* * *

><p><em>You were floating …<em>

… _floating on a overwhelming wave of delirium …_

… _drifting between unconsciousness and brightness …_

… _dancing on the threshold of numb darkness and brutal reality …_

… _steadily fading back and forth …_

… _not sure which way to go, which lead to follow …_

_Further carried towards the shining light tempting you to get engulfed by it but then again entangled by the demanding claws of shadows that weren't ready to release their captive._

_It was a tug of war which split your mind, a silent battle of your will._

_Ultimately your senses came back to life again. _

_But the light was already too close to be ignored any longer so finally its brightness defeated the dark claws that tore on your limbs._

_As your senses started to recover, you became aware of several different noises._

_The most outstanding one was a short but steady high tone which you noticed matched entirely your own heartbeat._

_The next thing you recognized were soft and gentle touches on your right hand, careful not to wake you, that lasted only for a few minutes before they vanished._

_Amongst the other sounds, one in particular caught her attention. It was much quieter than the one before. It was not consistent, but rather random. First it sounded like something moving on the floor, which was followed moments later like scribbling. _

_Your brows furrowed in deep concentration. _

_Instantly panic-stricken fear seized every fibre of your body, steadily rising inside of you with every further breath you took and finally clouded your mind and poisoned your heart with each new beat._

_Your body tried to rear up, but was only able to grab the sheets in a death grip, your feet were unable to move an inch. It was frightening, despite your best efforts, you were unable to move, not even in the slightest way, which made you even more terrified._

_The alarms of the machines beside you started to sound at a faster pace, which caught the attention of your companion, finally letting the person know that you were slowly regaining consciousness._

_Your very first instinct was to fight everything off, to get up and flee. But you soon realized that you were in no condition to move. Especially as it was blatantly obvious that your body was unable to carry out any orders your brain was sending to your limbs._

_You felt that your left arm was immobile, felt strange, constrained. It didn't take you long to realize your arm was in fact in plaster._

_So you were stuck, totally defenceless and at the mercy of whoever was around you._

_You took long deep breaths, trying to soothe your exploding heart, freaking paranoia and jangling nerves. Your aching lungs were filled with fresh air and your nostrils suddenly recognized the all too sterile smell. But strangely enough, it calmed your bewildered mind. You were surprised but glad at the same time by the pleasant cool air-conditioning in the room you were in, much to the joy of your renewed stinging skin._

_It was then you noticed that you were lying down on a soft mattress. You felt a strange sensation from both your ears going down to your nose, something was clutching on your right index finger, as well as a slight stinging sensation on the back of the same hand. Not painfully, but unpleasant like a foreign body._

_Curiosity took over, your eyes started a slow dance under its lids. But soon it became a harder task than expected. Your efforts alone made you weaker with every passing second, but you were stubborn, ignored the upcoming exhaustion and the bright light became more promising, more convincing, than the shadows plea for your return._

_You wanted to get up. You wanted to open your eyes. You wanted to feel something real with your hands again._

_But it seemed that even if your brain gave the orders, your body just wasn't ready to comply and shut off. Instead only the fingers of your hands followed the movement of your eyes, languidly grazing the sheet you were lying on between your slender digits._

_Suddenly there was another sound in the distant drowning out everything else you had sensed before. _

_You heard a voice, so softly delivered, with such gentleness and reassurance that you were even more tempted to finally open your eyes. _

_The voice was female, you could tell from the very first moment, not deep nor raspy but rather very clear and full of sympathy and warmth. It sounded somehow youthful but confident at the same time. _

_But you couldn't understand a single word that was spoken to you. At that time you didn't know that the woman was repeatedly calling your name._

_Even though you couldn't hear her words clearly, you strangely understood the message. Due entirely to the angelic and emphatic sound of the woman's voice. It became even more clear when you felt a sudden but gentle touch on your left upper arm, just above the outlines of the cast, on your limp biceps._

_Slowly your urge to return to a more conscious state won over your need of the safety that darkness provided._

_You were ready. Ready to finally return to life._

_Exhaustion and tiredness were instantly forgotten. The only target now was to get your eyes open, so you started to muster all your will and startlingly low strength. _

_Honestly, you've never felt that weak and vulnerable before in your life._

_It was then that you began to catch a few words._

"_Yeah, that's right. You're doing great. Just take your time. You can do this. Open your eyes."._

_Now the sound seemed much closer than before._

_Inspired by the encouraging voice, the movement under your eye lids became more demanding, again your hands clutched the bed sheet in a death grip while your eye lids hesitantly started to part several times._

_The moment your eyes were fully uncovered you squeezed them shut again only to feel the comforting contact on your arm once more, a little bit more intense than before. The light that had met your eyes was far from bright. But it was enough to stir your senses and tempted you to act in a sheer self-protecting manner. _

_How much more anguish did you have to take?! You had experienced enough pain, you weren't ready to suffer any more!_

"_It's okay. Take it easy. I know it hurt. But your eyes will adjust to the light."._

_You felt movement. The person shifted, stepped around your bed, and was now hovering over you at your right side, her voice only inches away._

"_Try to squint against the light. That should make it easier for you". _

_Whatever caused the self-protection mechanism to be alerted only moments before it was now eased by the soft and sympathetic sound of the voice._

"_Come on, try once more"._

_This time you opened your eyes cautiously, blinking several times, already aware of what awaited you. It took some minutes of more blinking until they finally adjusted to the low light, slowly your vision grew visibly clearer._

"_Yeah, that's it. Well done, dear."._

_It was then that you were finally able to take in your surroundings as you slowly looked around._

_You had already assumed you lay in a hospital bed. The room was dark, the only source of illumination came from the floor outside shining through a observation window behind the mysterious woman and from the machines around the bed. On your left side was a heart-monitor, constantly displaying your vital signs. On the opposite side you looked down on your hand and saw a peripheral intravenous line connected to a full IV bag hanging above your head, its content of isotonic saline slowly dripping down and into your blood circulation. Also you could see a woman wearing dark blue scrubs underneath a white coat, her brunette hair tied back into a neat ponytail. It was she who had started the infusion mere minutes ago. Then suddenly you understood why you became accustomed to the light so easily moments before. The woman in front of you had been blocking the faint hallway light on purpose, the brightness cast a soft glow around your only companion. Eyeing her with a more intense glance you were able to make out a set of light blue-eyes shining down at you and realized that the other woman was sending you a warm smile. But you couldn't, by any effort, make out the name of the female physician by looking for any identification. _

"_Hey there sleepyhead. Welcome back."._

_You gazed up at the stranger. What amazed you was the fact that even due to her young age, this woman was able to convey a positive impression of safety and radiated with experienced efficiency._

_Finally some missing pieces started to fall back into place, but there were still so many blank holes left. You further stared at the small figure without really facing her._

_As if she was sensing your growing discomfort and confusion she slowly began to enlighten you._

"_It's okay. You're in the ICU of Desert Palm Hospital."._

_The doctor made a short pause to get any reaction from her patient, but you remained clueless. Understandably in your sedative influenced state of mind and sudden shock you were far too sunken in your own thoughts that you totally missed the introduction of the woman who finally announced her name._

"… _your attending physician. You were brought in five days ago."._

_At that, your eyes narrowed in shock._

_Five days? And you couldn't remember a single one of them? How could this be?_

"_You were attacked with a Taser, suffered from an extreme heatstroke and slipped into a coma."._

_Coma? You were unconscious for such a long period of time? Attacked with a Taser? But why? What or better who had injured you that badly that you still lay in the ICU? What had happened to you?_

_With no answer forthcoming you were at a complete loss for words now, simply watching the woman above, hanging on every syllable she was saying. _

"_Both your radius and ulna were broken with compound fractures, but I was able to repair them in theatre. After surgery we put it in a cast, as a precautionary measure."._

_Just as you could sense the confinement of your left underarm, your eyes looked to the cast around your pale skin in dismay. At the same time you noticed for the very first time that you were dressed in a hospital gown, as well as various __electrodes__ that were attached to the outer surface on the skin of your chest._

_In an instant the doctors features changed, her brows furrowed as she eyed her patient closely. You had suspicions that somehow the physician left something unsaid. There was no way of knowing that in fact this physician was all too aware of the events that brought you into the hospital. She knew exactly what had happened to you._

"_What is the last thing you can remember?"._

_That was indeed a very good question. Your memory was as holey as a fine Swiss cheese. Silence settled over you as you completely lost yourself in deep concentration. But then, all of a sudden, visions flashed in front of your inner eye …_

_The last things you clearly remembered were the raw, once heated but then wet sand slipping between your fingers as you grasped the withered ground and the merciless stinging heat of the Nevada desert sun crackling down on you. After that your vision came up blank …_

_When you spoke for the very first time in days, your voice sounded alien and strange not only to you, as raspy and rough as sand paper and it took you several tries to vocalize your thoughts._

"… _the … the desert … and … the … the sun …"._

_Again, the physician sensed your growing anxiety, your eyes widened suddenly in panic as new tags of memories overwhelmed you. You just felt like it happened all over again, the rising fear was just as intense as it was when you realized you were trapped and drowning from a massive downpour._

"… _the … car …"._

_The tormenting flashbacks of events were abruptly stopped as you were caught up in a heavy dry coughing fit. The sudden effort of talking, after being quiet for such a long time, teased the sensitive and arid mucosa of your trachea._

_The brunette was quick to react. She helped you to sit up and rubbed your back in comfort for several minutes until the coughing subsided._

"_It's okay. Take slow deep breaths. That's it. Just take it easy. Try to relax."._

_When she was assured that you were going to be alright on your own again, she turned and left the room. Only moments later she reappeared with a cup in her hands, with an apologizing smile on her face._

"_I can't offer you water yet, I'm sorry. But an ice cube should do the trick as well."._

_She gently offered you a little piece of ice, which you accepted gladly and slowly helped set your weak form back down on the pillows and mattress. _

_The very first moment of shock over the coldness of the ice against your teeth and skin vanished the longer you licked on it. You sighed happily by the cool sensation putting you on ease as the cube instantly started to melt against your cheeks and tongue and you swallowed it's liquid down your throat, cooling the dry path it took._

_At the same time the doctor made notes on the patient chart, her eyes scanning the heart-monitor closely for a good minute then she walked to the foot of the bed and placed the chart back in its holder. After that she again smiled politely at you._

"_You're safe now. Nothing's going to happen to you from now on. You're going to be alright. That's the most important thing. You're going to be fine. Now get some more rest, okay. Next time you're awake there will be your friends waiting for you. Including that gentleman that never left your side in the last few days."._

_Thoughts of Grissom entered your brain. As well as the last memories of him sitting at your side while you were in that flying helicopter, holding your hand, smiling down at you. Only the promise of seeing him next time you would open your eyes, made it easy for you to yearn for sleep. Finally the ice cube had melted, and exhaustion caught up with you. Your eye-lids became heavier and even if you had wanted to, you couldn't resist the tempting darkness any longer. Slowly its rough claws dragged you back into their sinister universe, allowing you a restless reposing sleep. _

_Just as you were about to fall victim to all the overwhelming events again as well as your indescribable tiredness and exhaustion, the physician, who was convinced you were fine for now, turned and left the room. The echo of her boots combined with the sounds of the machine for a few seconds until she reached the door._

_You had your eyes closed as you heard how it fell gently in it's locks. _

_It was not only that night that you tried to remember, but on many other occasions too, sadly there seemed no way that you were ever going to recall the name of the woman, whose enigma blue-eyes haunted your dreams, and who had seemingly brought you back into the world of the living …_

* * *

><p>"<em>Sara, I owe you an explanation.".<em>

For the slightest moment, Sofias eyes remained fixed at the framed photograph on the wall, before she turned her gaze and stared directly in Sara's eyes. The brunette returned the intense look. There was that significant expression in her orbs again that the keen investigator had already noticed the day before. Only this time it seemed more determined than yesterday. Back then, she had the impression that there was something on the blondes mind that bothered her a lot, the unpleasant feeling that for some strange reason that whatever it was had to do with her. And Sofia was torn between telling her or to leave it unspoken.

Sensing the shift of the atmosphere and that his owner grew more tense, Flinn looked up and focused on the two women. He felt the sudden growing turmoil Sofia was in and instantly jumped to his feet hurrying to her side, giving her the much needed comfort to carry on.

The eager eye contact between the two woman was broken by his swift movements which caused a slight easing to the odd waves in the air.

Sara had been surprised by both, first at the blondes words and then by Flinn's motion. Her gaze finally returned from watching the dog to gazing at Sofia.

"And I already told you before, you don't owe me anything." she replied earnestly, not really understanding why Sofia so adamantly insisted to tell her whatever that special explanation was. Raising both eye brows she only watched the other woman slightly irritated, giving her all the time she needed and waited patiently for Sofia to decide whether to enlighten her or to backtrack.

Sofia's look remained stoic, even if time was breathing down her neck and she wanted to start her search for her girlfriend as fast as possible, she felt the need to take these few minutes now to comfront Sara. All she wanted was to finally come clean and tell the brunette about certain afternmaths from Sara's rescue. Memories and facts that the obvious confused brunette was apparently not aware of. Which in return made her wonder why nobody before had cared to tell her at all.

Sara had been so kind and patient with her last evening, she didn't want to hurt her by mentally taking her back to a time when she had suffered so badly. But the brunette had showed during their conversation that she had seemingly worked out those issues that Natalie Davis had caused and that they weren't such a big problem for her anymore. She may have not overcome them yet, therefore it was still too fresh, but she was working on that. And so far even if she was still troubled by her experiences she had made real good progress.

Just for a second she thought carefully over which words she used to continue with.

"It has something to do with the time after your abduction.".

Getting more confused than before, Sara eyed Sofia closely. Somehow this became more ridiculous. What was Sofia getting at?

But still, she would give Sofia the opportunity to express herself.

"Okay. But honestly I don't see why my abduction has anything to do with the one of your girlfriend.", Sara stated matter of factly.

"It doesn't.".

"Then I don't understand why any of it brings you to the conclusion that you owe me. After all, you were one of the people who saved me out of the desert in time, which I'm highly thankful for. If there should be someone owing the other one anything, it should be me. Not you.".

Impressed by her honest words, Sofia hesitated but weakly smiled at her. "Thank you …".

Sara answered with a bright grin of her own. "I owe my life to you. I have to thank you, not the other way around.".

Still impressed, the blonde bit down on her lower lip then softly voiced the next question carefully.

"Can you remember anything of those days you spent in Desert Palm?".

Saras answer though came without hesitation, the strong sound of her voice showing that it didn't bother her anymore, not as much as it had back that time.

"Not much, my memories of this time are pretty hazy. I just don't get why we are talking about my hospital stay now.".

Seeing that she was not getting anywhere with Sara, but instead confusing her even further, a heavy sigh escaped the blondes throat. Which in return reduced her own confidence.

Sharing a quick glance at Flinn who had sat down close to her right leg to deliver some sort of contact and support. Shaking her head she finally looked up again.

"You don't recognise her, do you?".

That question caught Sara off guard, obviously as her eye brows perked up.

"What do you mean?" the brunette asked, finally crossing her arms over her chest in a pensive manner. Now she definitely had her attention, the other womans curiosity had been awoken.

Instead of voicing an answer, Sofia gestured to her girlfriends image without taking her prying eyes from Sara. "Alex. You can't remember her.".

Sara burrowed both her brows in deep concentration as she looked closely at the picture and again tried to recollect ever meeting the young woman. Not coming up with anything she finally turned to Sofia, bowing her head to the side, looking clearly clueless.

"Enlighten me. Should I?".

Again, the blonde beat her to her question and stated one of her own.

"What is the last thing you can remember after we rescued you in the desert, Sara?".

Sara looked surprised, again not understanding where all of this would lead her. At the same time she felt herself growing more impatient this time, Sofia's move to again answer her question with one of her own slowly started to annoy her. If she wanted to tell her something, she should just spill it. But Sara played along for now, the urge to get to the important point of this conversation got the better of her.

" I remember being in a helicopter, Grissom was by my side…when they brought me into the ER.", then she hesitated, "I know that I lost consciousness there … when I woke up again I was treated by a doctor named Gordon, a big middle-aged man with grey hair. He told me I had fallen into a coma for five days and only had been shortly awake after surgery. I do remember some of the nurses taking care of me together with this other female doctor …", faltering by the attempt to voice the tongue twisting name Sara chuckled, " … whose name was too complicated to remember it.".

Smiling lightly by that comment, Sofia made a mental note to tease Abby Piezicki with that one. The physician with the hard to pronounce name, who would strangle her if she ever got to hear that.

"She performed my followup examinations.".

Sara finished and stood Sofia's unreadable gaze.

"Sofia, honestly, what has any of that to do with her?" she mentioned to the young womans image with a nod of her head. "If you want to tell me something, just do it, I won't bite.".

Sending an amused warm grin her way, Sara made it clear to Sofia that she was going to listen to anything that the blonde wanted to tell her.

Still not sure Sofia stayed quiet until Sara's next words beat her to it, her soft voice encouraging. "I told you yesterday, I would be there for you if there was something on your mind. Now is no exception. So just spill it".

Looking into hazelnut brown eyes, Sofia finally spoke.

"Alex was your attending physician. Back when you were brought into Desert Palm Hospital.".

Stunned for a second by the unexpected news, Sara just looked astounded before she found her voice again.

"Oh … really?".

Growing surprised, Sara first watched Sofia intently but then stared back at the photograph even more deeply than before, as if she wanted to force the memories back into her mind. But she couldn't place the face of the young doctor back to these days. She loosened the grip of her arms around her chest until they lowered to her sides, fist clenching. How could she not have noticed that?

"Yeah.".

Frustrated by the fact that she couldn't recall some events after her friends had saved her she let out a deep sigh. "Wow …".

Worried Sofia reached out and touched her forearm.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.".

"No, it's okay. I'm fine. I just realized again that the aftermaths of what happened are still present, you know. At my discharge the doctors told me that I suffered from anterograde amnesia and that it was possible that I would never regain certain memories of those days in the desert or at the hospital. It sometimes just reminds me what could have been taken away from me, that's all.".

Sofia nodded, smiling knowingly at Sara. "I get what you mean. But you regained memories of your struggle in the desert.".

"Yeah, but there are still so many holes left …".

Once more Sofia squezzed Sara's forearm in support. "A few days are a small prize if you consider that you could have lost everything.".

Those words held a latent ambiguity. Losing everything meant both: All her memories, just as much as she could have lost her own life and possibly die. Those thoughts struck her hard emotionally.

Finn, who had simply stood by Sofia's side until then, had followed her suit by his new friends wistfulness. He stepped closer to Sara, nudged her thigh with his head and barked in animating spirit to cheer her up. And truth be told, he succeded.

Both the blondes words and gestures as well as the young dogs behavior made her smile weakly.

Sofia waited a few seconds until Sara had composed herself again. When she spoke, her voice was back to its confident strength. Nodding her agreement at Sofia while leaning slightly down to caress the dogs flank, Sara replied. "Thanks.".

The two women smiled warmly at each other. Sensing the calming waves, Flinn walked around them and happily started waggling his tail. He liked his new friend, but he loved his owners more than anything. He let out several high piched barks in delight as he nudged his head at Sofia's thigh again. Looking down at the dog, the blonde patted his head.

"It's okay, buddy.".

Sara smiled at the pairs interaction. "He really idiolises you.".

"You should have seen him with Alex. He absolutely adores her.".

Falling back into an all too familiar state of melancholy, Sofia's eyes wandered back to her girlfriends image while still stroking Flinn's fur absend mindedly. Sara followed her gaze and focused on the photo herself. All she wanted now was to give Sofia the time she needed until she felt ready to go back to the lab and police department.

Looking at the two womans features she was reminded of that dream she had while taking a short nap during the night.

A sudden yet vague thought crossed her mind as she looked intently at the photograph, her eyes constricted. The appearance and posture of Alexandra Jenson matched the one of the woman that had watched over her when she had first woken up after her surgery. Could it be …

"_I'm Dr. Jenson, you're attending physician. You were brought in five days ago."._

The next words left her mouth before she even recognised it. "Of course …"

Turning her attention, Sofia looked curiously at Sara. Wondering what had come to the other womans mind. Seeing the questioning look in Sofia's eyes, Sara explained herself, referring to the framed picture. "I remember her. She was there when I first woke up. I mean straight after the surgery.".

Sofia saw the delight of her friend by regaining some of her lost memories and smiled warmly at her.

"Yeah, she was. Alex not only took care of you when you were brought in. She did the emergency surgery and fixed your broken arm. She told me one day that she hadn't left your side once you were transferred to the ICU after your surgery, checking your vitals and making sure your condition stabilized to prevent similar events to occur whilst the operation. She kept us informed about your condition on a daily routine, stayed in close contact with Grissom in case something happened again. But after that Gordon took over your care when she asked him to do so.".

At this point Sofia sighed heavily.

"Six days after your admission, she got a call from her parents, saying that her brother had been involved in a terrible car accident and was badly injured. He was sent to Boulder City Hospital, where the doctors fought for his life. It wasn't clear if he would survive, it was really touch and go. She had to make a decision and went to her family immediately. She asked for indefinite leave to be there for them and stayed with them the next four months, looking after her brother the whole time and taking care of him through his rehab. Therefore she handed the care of all her patients over to her mentors. Which were Michael Gordon and Abby Piezicki.".

Slowly, the broken pieces were sorted back together and started to make sense to Sara. And she understood the physicians reasons.

"Sadly, Grissom never mentioned her to me. Or any of you guys. I would have liked to thank her personally.". And now, even if she really wanted to stay positive, nobody knew if she would get the chance for that gesture anymore.

After a moment she halted, looking at Sofia suspiciously with a sweet grin tugging at her lips, "Is that how you met her?".

Now it was Sofia's turn to look confused.

"I mean, how you got to know her?".

"Oh …", finally understanding what Sara were indicating she corrected with her voice low but amused, "No. We didn't meet back then. Well we did, somehow, but only briefly by accident. Not the way you suggest. It took another year for us to get to know each other. At the hospital just for the record.". Remembering with sadness as she accidentally ran into the surgeon on your way to get coffee for the worried crew of CSI's.

Sara's lips curled into a bright grin. "Not the way I suggest, eh?" she repeated.

At that Sofia blushed slightly. "It's kind of embarrassing in some way.", she smiled.

With an interested smile of her own Sara told her she would love to hear that story.

"We were sitting in the waiting area for about nearly four hours for news on you, when I couldn't sit any longer and offered to get a round of coffee for everyone. They took it gladly and I was happy to get my stiff legs in motion, so I left to get to a coffee shop on the other side of the street. On my way out, as I rounded a corner, I suddenly ran into a person.".

Sara's eyes lit up, her lips curling into an amused yet sweet grin. "Ah, let me guess. That person was her?".

"Yeah. I almost knocked her off her feet but caught her before she could fall. I excused myself a hundred times, starring at her, surely making a complete fool of myself and then we both went our ways. But that's all, after that I next met her one year later when I went to the hospital for a checkup after a raid. When I returned to the others with the coffee, I learned that Gordon had already talked to them about you.".

"But then how did you know that she was my physician and not him?".

"I didn't know that until we coincidentally talked about it when we were together. I was just as surprised as you were now.".

"I don't know if surprise is the right word. But it is an intriguing turn on facts, for sure.".

Sara chuckled lightly. "And here I thought my misery had at least a happy end and put two souls together.".

Smiling Sofia added "Of course it did, Grissom and you.". She winked.

"We were an item long before the abduction.". Clearing her throat, not aware that Sofia wasn't around in the layout room when Grissom had casually professed his love to her in front of the whole night shift, like he had confessed to her later.

"Well, and we became one a year later." the blonde added proudly.

Growing more comfortable by the casual conversation with the brunette, Sofia started to slightly relax. For some reason she had feared that telling Sara about her girlfriends part in her life, the woman would react differently. She had expected her to get angry for not telling her sooner. Sara was well known for her short hot temper. But that was before she married Grissom, finding the balance she so desperately needed in her life. Yet she surprised Sofia all anew.

Sara sensed the change in Sofia's posture and added.

"So I don't only owe you now, but your girlfriend too. After she did such a great job on my arm and saved my sorry ass.".

'And that not only once …' the thought crossed Sofia's mind. And even if she left it unspoken, the heavy audible gulp gave her away too easily, and Sara' keen eyes had caught her discontent.

Picking up Sofia's words from minutes before her features turned serious.

"You said something about happenings in the theatre. What did you mean exactly? Do I have to sue the hospital?" the brunette tried to joke.

"No! God, no Sara. She did everything she could to bring you back.".

Only by Sara's suddenly fading features did she notice her fatal slip. She had never figured that nobody had bothered to tell Sara the entire truth about the complicated surgery she had been through.

"… Bring me back?".

Sofia stuttered unusually. "Yeah. Wait … you ... you don't know …".

"Don't know what?" Sara pressed.

"Nobody ever told you …" she mumbled not really concentrating on Sara in that moment, cursing her own stupidity.

"What should they have told me, Sofia?" the brunette urged.

"So they never told you how the surgery went?".

"They said they were able to fix the severe fracture and stop the internal bleeding and that I would make a full recovery after some time of rehabilitation. Why?".

"It's not my place to tell you.".

Still trying to mask her subsiding confidence Sofia tried to blankly return Sara's questioning gaze. But over the last weeks she learned that she had lost the ability to conceal her emotions. Avoiding any possible eye contact Sofia lowered her gaze to the ground. She really wanted to be honest and open with her, but this was definitely not her reference.

"Sofia …".

"No Sara. I shouldn't be the one telling you. You shouldn't hear that from me.".

"How bad could it possibly be?".

"Honestly Sara, I shouldn't. It's not my right nor my responsibility to tell you. So please, let's just drop it.".

Already having the feeling that Sofia kept something from her, Sara ignored her previous plea.

"Why? All you said was that she did everything to bring me back which means she prevented me from … ", Sara halted, her ingenious brain finally catching the meaning of the words that had slipped by only minutes ago and those she had just uttered herself while seeing Sofia's guard drop. She gasped almost inaudible " … flatlining … ". Now it made perfect sense …

Slowly realizing what it could be that Sofia wanted to keep from her, Sara still needed the final confirmation from the woman looking apologetically at her.

"You are my friend Sofia, aren't you? At least I, even after all those years, consider you as my friend, and if there is something I should know, then I expect you to tell me, please.".

Sofia took a deep breath, contemplating whether she was about to do the right thing or rather a huge mistake. But Sara's honest words had touched her deeply and in the end she had to admit, even after all the time that had passed after their last encounter, she still felt the same. Knowing that she was probably crossing her line, she could no longer withold the special information from her friend. Especially if others, mostly her husband, should have told her before anyway. Feeling slightly more confident but holding a huge portion of sympathy in her voice and eyes, Sofia turned to Sara. What she was about to tell her wouldn't be easy for the brunette.

"You went into cardiac arrest, twice. Shortly after you went in the ER, then again during surgery. She was able to bring you back both times.". No need to tell that the second failure had been alarmingly longer then the first time she coded.

"Apparently … ", Sara gasped, looking pale, breaking eye contact.

"You okay?" Sofia asked carefully.

"Yeah, I'm fine, really.", Sara said reassuringly while adding in her mind, 'Thanks to your girlfriend.'.

All she wondered about was why her husband or the others had never mentioned that important fact to her before. Hell, she couldn't even recall if the doctors had referred to it, too. How could all these people think that they had to keep that fact from her? Did they really think that she was so weak? Did they really think that she was so broken that she couldn't stand the truth? No one, not even Grissom, had had the guts to tell her. But what of the others, Nick, Greg, Catherine … people that she considered her family, people that she trusted the most … why had any of them never told her?

The slightest hint of disappointment flared in her as she tried to look anywhere but deep honest ocean blue eyes.

No one, except the woman standing in front of her, trying to appear strong while deep inside herself she was as broken and lost as Sara had been back then. The woman that she hadn't seen for years but who was the most loyal and most trustworthy person she had ever met. Sofia was the one telling her about her near death experience.

Sara was also puzzled why nobody had ever talked about the doctor who had actually saved her life, now that she knew what important role Jenson had played in her survival and recovery. The unknown woman in the hospital room finally had a name and was surprisingly living with the once detective that had saved her out of the desert trap. No matter how strange, ridiculous or crazy all of that sounded, the feeling that she owed both woman grew with every passing second.

That alone sparked an all new fire inside her soul. Sara made it her personal agenda to do everything in her power to help Sofia find her girlfriend and support her whatever they would find. Regardless of the outcome.

Sara was experienced enough to know that their chances of finding Jenson alive were lower than finding her dead corpse. After all, the doctor was in the hands of the devil named Nate Haskell, who had proven numerous times just how brutish and lunatic he could be. She was sure that Sofia was very much aware of that fact too. They just never voiced it, because deep down, both women knew the truth. They had been in the business long enough. What Sofia had left was a small glimmer of hope and Sara would feel terrible if she was to destroy her friends last sanctuary. Whatever would happen, Sara made the mental oath that she would be there for Sofia. They had wasted seven years on their friendship, she wouldn't let that happen again. Sofia was in need of all the help and support that she can get right now. And she was ready to offer exactly that.

Sending a warm smile at the blonde, Sara offered.

"So, I assume you already contacted the colleagues from Boulder City. It might be better if I head back to the lab.".

Sofia nodded in confirmation as she took small steps further into the living room.

"Yeah, I did. I handed the authority of her case over to the LVPD and ordered that all things related to her and Haskells cases is sent over to us immediately. It should take them some hours to have all the files and evidence here in Vegas.", then Sofia turned her attention to her dog, "Flinn.".

Hearing the determined sound in the voice of his mistress, Flinn followed her outstretched hand to lay down in his basket. He knew exactly what that gesture meant and obeyed. Walking just as deliberately slow to his sleeping place, his tail held low, he stopped right before the wooden basket and glanced up at his onwer.

Every day it was the same routine. His mistress would leave early in the morning in search of his beloved second owner, while he had to wait at home. Late in the evening, when he had been out for a long walk and fun hours with the neighbors child or Sofia's mother and his mood had gotten more cheerful, the Deputy Chief would return from work even more exhausted and discouraged than she had been the days before. So with each new day, it got worse.

"Come on buddy. You know how this works. Don't make this harder on me.".

Finally taking the last steps, he slumped onto his blanket and laid his head down, still watching the two woman closely. Today though, he sensed something different in his owners behavior, there was a slight hint of confidence. Still fixing her face with his pleading sad brown eyes she couldn't stand it anymore and walked over to him.

Crouching down she caressed the dog for long moments, stroking her fingers lovingly through his long black fur. "I know, Flinn. But I can't take you with me, as much as I want to. You have to stay here for me okay. I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise. I'll see you tonight.".

For a split second she held the dogs pleading eyes, returned his gaze with an intense look of her own determined eyes.

"I will find her …". That's what they both hoped.

Sofia words had been whispered under her breath, only for the dog to hear. And were it not for Sara's keen ears and the fact that her attention was entirely drawn to the pairs interaction she would have probably missed them.

Giving the dog one final pet on the head she stood up and walked over to the small table in her living room where she picked up the LVPD files and gathered them in her hands before she headed back towards the waiting brunette.

"I'm coming with you." she announced. "You know, to follow the advice of a close friend who told me to ease the damage and apologize properly … and ask for help.".

Sara felt how much strength it took from Sofia to voice these words. After all, she wanted to apologize for the things she had said and the way she had behaved yesterday. On the other hand, she would finally turn to her former colleagues to ask them for help to find her girlfriend. She sensed what that probably had to mean to Sofia. Failure. And the slightest acceptance of a truth that she wasn't ready to face yet. That she might be too late.

Despite that realization, Sara nodded approvingly, "I think that's a very wise decision, Sofia. Sounds like a good start to me. Should I call Catherine? Arrange a meeting with the guys?".

"No, I'll do that myself on the drive over.".

"Okay.".

The blonde nodded at Sara. "I will call Catherine on my way to the lab and inform her about it. Give her an advanced warning. I would also like a meeting with all of you guys from nightshift.".

"I think that can be arranged, don't worry. Should I page them for you?".

"No, thanks. I will ask Catherine to get them all together in one room. I will also call Jim and ask him to join us. I would like to keep to group of people knowing about my conflict as small as possible.".

"I understand your concern, but what will happen if Ecklie or the Undersheriff get wind of this? What if they want to call in the Feds, too?".

"If necessary I'm going to tell them everything they want to know about my private matters. All about why this case means so much to me. I don't care about people getting to know about my life, Sara. FBI agents, the Undersheriff, Ecklie, the nightshift … it doesn't matter to me. All I care about is Alex.".

With a soft smile Sara gently offered, "Well then, if you're ready, let's go.".

Sofia sent a grateful smile back in return and with one final glance first at her dog and then another lingering one at the special picture on the wall, she agreed. "Let's go.".

Sara turned her attention to the dog and mumbled, "Glad to have met you, buddy. Hope we see us again soon.".

Following Sofia's lead out of the door, she noticed the blondes more confident walk through her barely visible swagger and wondered where she was taking the strength to move along.

When the world tells you to give up, there is this faint steady whisper saying, "Try it one more time.". That inner voice … it's called hope.

* * *

><p><em>So far away.<em>  
><em>I wish you were here …<em>  
><em>Before it's too late, this could all disappear.<em>  
><em>Before the doors close,<em>  
><em>And it comes to an end.<em>  
><em>With you by my side I will fight and defend. <em>

_Hear me when I say I believe:_  
><em>Nothing's gonna change destiny.<em>  
><em>Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly.<em>

_Keep holding on,_  
><em>'Cause you know we'll make it through.<em>  
><em>Just stay strong.<em>  
><em>There's nothing you could say,<em>  
><em>Nothing you could do.<em>  
><em>There's no other way when it comes to the truth.<em>  
><em>So keep holding on,<em>  
><em>'Cause you know we'll make it through.<em>  
><em>(Avril Lavigne ~ "Keep Holding On")<em>

* * *

><p>If somebody feels up to share thoughts and impressions in a review, you're very welcome to do so.<br>So far, thank you for your interest and have a good time!  
>Take care and stay safe!<p>

Dragodina


	7. Chapter VI

Again it has taken me forever to update, which I'm deeply sorry for. The only explanation being that I simply can't find enough time to work on new stuff as often as I would like to.  
>That said, I'm happy to finally have something new written.<br>This new chapter is mainly based on the events that included Sofia in the episode "Father of the Bride", which in my eyes was nothing more than a bitter disappointment. Not because it involved Sofia, but about the fashion in which her appearance was wasted. Maybe one day, there might be an opportunity to see her again on CSI, with a better episode.  
>As always, my dearest thanks goes to those still sticking along! To my dear big bro, who's still offering his fabulous help as being my beta reader! Thank you for your boundless support! To my friend Fleppy, who's always urging me to write write - god dam it WRITE! And to wanderingraincloud for the lovely support as well.<br>For disclaimer see the introduction from the prologue.  
>The first instalment of this chapter is written in italics and in second person pronoun, which again means its a dream andor memory scenario.  
>I hope you enjoy reading.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>~ Chapter VI ~<strong>

_I am here still waiting,  
>I still have my doubts.<br>I am damaged at best,  
>Like you've already figured out.<em>

_I'm falling apart,_  
><em>I'm barely breathing.<em>  
><em>With a broken heart,<em>  
><em>That's still beating.<em>  
><em>In the pain,<em>  
><em>There is healing.<em>  
><em>In your name,<em>  
><em>I find meaning.<em>  
><em>So I'm holding on,<em>  
><em>Barely holding on to you.<em>

* * *

><p><em>With long deliberate strides you hurried through the halls of the Las Vegas crime lab, instinctively making your way to where the investigators were gathered. However, each of your steps held a bittersweet taste. What could have been an enjoyable reunion with your former colleagues was going to end in a nightmare.<em>

_You felt it, the tempting calm before the growing storm …_

_Such was your hurry through the reception area, the usually efficient secretary Judy Tremont had to look twice before recognizing you, and only after a second breath had she felt able to call out her elated greetings after you. She need not have bothered as you chose to ignore her greetings as you had with all the other surprised regards and curious looks which were aimed in your direction. You had dismissed them all, well aware that gossip about your sudden reappearance would spread soon enough in the crime lab anyway. But right then you didn't care in the slightest._

_Sharing only the briefest of glances with bypassing employees who were busily trying to get out of your way as you continued your journey, you maintained your silence, and made no response to any of the many startled glances or friendly greetings. You weren't surprised at their looks or how frantic yet organized everyone acted, it was just like the time back when you had worked here, too. _

_The never ending hectic rush of staff members across the crime lab corridors, the occasional ringing from phones or the sound of a printer going off in another room to display the latest test results. It all felt so damn familiar, as if nothing had changed, at least in here, even after all the years that had passed. _

_But today was different. Today you hadn't had time to wallow in reminiscences. Today you needed results and facts, and you were determined to get them, whatever the costs. Decisions had to be made. Decisions that would definitely not please everybody. _

_Rounding another corner your significant swagger that held more aggression than ever before brought you closer to your goal, you could already see some very familiar faces in the distance, of people you had worked with for many long years. People you considered your friends. These were people you trusted, before you had left them so abruptly without any reason or farewell, and now you were about to offend exactly those people._

_You were back, years later, driven by only a single desperate and very private matter that was overshadowing everything. One you would never voice aloud though._

_You had nearly completed your journey but still you hurried, your badge swayed in rhythm with your hips, showing off your greatest achievement for everyone to see all too clearly as you entered the room where you had been told to find the investigators you were looking for._

_For a second or two you wondered why such an elite team were on this case, but as soon as you asked yourself that question you came up with the only answer. They were the best. But that only made the next step even harder for you. If it were any other team than this one, it probably wouldn't be so difficult for you. _

_The first one to spot you was Archie, the specialist for audio and visual surveillance, who was more than surprised to see you. His voice held a soft yet cheeky warmness as he welcomed you which at the same time announced your presence to everyone else in the room._

"_Wow, Deputy Curtis. The shield looks good on you.". The tone in which he spoke reflected the high respect that he held for you. "Congrats on the promotion.". _

_But then his words nearly died on his lips as he gradually sensed your cold demeanour, almost feeling how his kind regards bounced off of your steeled iron façade. While he observed you closely, his brows furrowed the moment he realized he wouldn't get any reply and was rather harshly ignored._

_Again, under any other circumstances, you would have thanked him for his kind compliments, you would have more than likely sent him one of your beaming smiles in return. But tonight, this was no casual colleague's reunion, you paid just the slightest attention to his greetings. You were aware of many more looks of delight, but they were treated in a similar fashion. _

_A quick scan of your surroundings revealed the presence of your former colleagues Catherine Willows, Sara Sidle, Greg Sanders, Nick Stokes and Jim Brass, as well as a person that was yet unknown to you but whom had grown a certain interest for the time he had been involved in the investigation against Nate Haskell. _

_Until Archie had welcomed you aloud each of them had been busy, together they stood around a layout table in the centre of the room on which various pictures and papers were laid out, discussing their latest results. But the moment they had realized who had entered the premise, their heads had snapped up simultaneously, their curious eyes fixing you with astonishment. _

_To say they were surprised would have been a great understatement._

_There, only a few feet away, stood the woman that had once been a part of their team, moreover a part of their family. You had grown close, shared so many experiences, had gone through countless hardships side by side until suddenly you had just left. Your departure was abrupt, unexpected, and shocking, there had been no news from you from that day until now._

_So there you were, this time as Deputy Curtis who somehow found the nerve to barge into the inner sanctum of " Las Vegas' Finest" without so much as a warning, or introduction. _

_The first one to find his tongue was Nick, his eyes holding a warm expression of joy while he smiled softly at you. He still couldn't believe his eyes, but it seemed that he had overcome the first shock. _

"… _Sofia. Wow, it's so good to see you after all the time."._

_Everyone now had some sort of a smile on their face as they realized that it was really you standing before them, and not the result of the exhaustion that they all felt after so many sleepless nights. Everyone that was, except for the unknown investigator, who had managed to retain his poker face expression through out._

_But deep down your stomach was churning, knowing you had to shatter their delight and confidence. Still, you couldn't let yourself get overwhelmed by your emotions. Not by your former friends, neither by your greater private turmoil. You had to stay cool, had to pull this through until the very end. You would be able to regret and mourn later, now was not the time though. In order to prevent your own breakdown, you steeled yourself, masked your features as best as you could and faced the inevitable with a cool and controlled manner._

_You had to keep distance between you, you couldn't let them near you, or you would break._

_Blinded by his joy and never realising your unusual tense behavior Greg followed Nick suit, turning his attention towards you, his voice radiating with enthusiasm. A beaming grin graced his face as he addressed you, "Sofia! What a pleasure to see you! How are you? You look great!"._

_And you wondered for the sanity of the young man, if he was really truly blind or only acting oblivious to the fact that you looked not great. Honestly, you looked anything but great. Even you had to admit that. One look in the mirror and you saw all the desolation deeply edged in your features. Not to mention the depths of your once ocean blue eyes, that now were nothing more than a murky bog._

_The two men moved fast in order to embrace you, but halted their motions when you took a few sidesteps around the layout table to put further distance between you. It was only then that they sensed your inapproachable mood._

_Quickly the atmosphere in the room changed, when you side stepped the two mens friendly intentions, you could downright feel the uneasiness, see the rising sparks of tension, sprise and even suspicion in the air. The previous joy of seeing their old lost friend and co-worker again had rapidly dissipated and changed into a clear confusion within seconds, based on your rude behaviour._

_Out of the corner of your vision Sara and Catherine shared a fleeting yet questioning glance._

_Again, Nick addressed you first, concern clearly swaying in his tone. "Is anything wrong? Are you okay? Can we help you somehow?"._

_You didn't reply, of course. Instead you took in all the odd glances, looked briefly in each pair of eyes that were seemingly trying to burn into your crushed soul. _

_Stepping further into the centre of the room, you halted your hurried movements and instead, under five watchful pairs of eyes, hardened your attention to the stranger who had turned around in order to face you, not able to stand the remaining piercing looks anymore._

"_You must be Ray Langston. I'm Sofia Curtis."._

_Your voice was full of reserve, your words as curt and distant as possible, sending off just a simple message. You were the one in the higher position and from now on you would be the one in control as well. Everything you said was supposed to happen. It unsettled your former co-workers and instantly created new confusion._

"_Nice to meet you."._

_While he greeted you softly he offered his hand in a polite, and civilized manner, at least he was polite. He for his part, didn't know you as well as the remaining people around. _

_To everyones surprise, you denied his offer, ignoring his outstreched hand. For you it was a waste of time, and you were not willing to spend anymore minutes in needless courtesies. You were about to pull them off of their highly controversial case, no need to play nice or sugarcoat anything. _

_So you simply ignored his action, looked straight into his eyes and taking no notice of the growing confused glances around you. Their bafflement was further spurred by your blatant dismissive behaviour. You might as well just spit in his face, it would amount to the same thing._

_Still, they were unaware of what was about to transpire, you thought. You no longer cared anyway. You had already made up your mind, for the greater good and you would do everything to achieve it, accepting every disastrous consequence. Even if it meant ultimately breaking with your old friends or the police department._

_After composing yourself, you focussed on the man in front of you, but it was Catherine's voice that broke your turbulent thoughts before you could voice more dismissive words, the spark in your eyes speaking for itself._

"_Sofia.", the tone in which she greeted you spoke much of her astonishment, but she still showed some signs of kindness despite the scene she had just witnessed. _

"_Like Nick said, we're all really happy to see you. Is there a reason for your sudden visit? Can we help you with anything?"._

"_Yeah, why exactly are you here?". Looking from Catherine to Sara, who had blurted her surprise and confusion in her own heady manner, you only waited for the 'And where the fuck have you been all these years?' question to be stated. But to your relief it was left unspoken, nobody felt brave enough to vocalize it, yet._

_Taking a deep breath you inhaled the air of the room before paving the way for the storm to build. _

"_I'm here for the Haskell case. I need everything you have on it right now." you demanded strictly, your voice not leaving an inch for questioning. Even though, you felt like breaking inside, not as confident as you seemed to be on the surface. _

_But you had to stay strong and collected. For the greater good …_

"_Just have a look at the case files then, no need to actually come all the way down here." Nick stated friendly, yet kind of reserved._

_Again ignoring his statement, you simply continued, your voice firm and determined. "I need you to personally bring me up to date. Tell me about the current status of the investigation"._

_Your eyes wandered through the crowded room, but nobody felt the urge to obey so you turned your attention to the layout table until your eyes caught sight of a small stack of files. Fixing the documents you asked the rhetorical question to no one in particular._

"_Are these the related files?"._

"_Yeah."._

"_Newest results?"._

"_Yes, of course."._

_Actually you didn't wait for Sara's curt and annoyed affirmation of your suspicion, doubtless these were the files containing all recent available news about the hunt of Nate Haskell that you couldn't be aware of. With three fast and long strides you were at the table and lifted the first in your hands. The instant your eyes scanned the written words you became instantly and completely engulfed in your own world while you grew oblivious to the things around you._

"_We were just about to update Brass, who actually is the officer in charge." Catherine dared to voice the first stealthy comment._

_With your features steeled and unreadable, your eyes only focused on the document, you stated cold voiced, "Well, now that I'm here, I'm the one in charge."._

"_Pardon, what …?" Sara blurted._

_Still not daring to peer your eyes off the file, continuing reading through it page by page, you answered sharply but even._

"_Correct me if I'm wrong, but like Archie so accurately pointed it out before, I'm the Deputy Chief which at the moment makes me the only person in lead in this very room."._

_Yeah exactly, just rub the current hierarchy off into their faces to clarify the situation and silence them. As if that would play out nicely …_

_Feeling the tension and heat rising dangerously in the room, Brass took a few appeasing steps toward his former partner, who he considered like a second daughter, while he addressed her warily trying to calm the brewing waves, the previous accusing words still echoing painfully in his mind. _

"_Sofia, don't get me wrong, but is there a reason why you're here with us? I mean we all know it's not likely for the Deputy Chief to visit the crime lab and just order us to give you the latest results. After this meeting I would have reported to the Undersheriff anyway. I think you're responsibilities lay somewhere else now."._

_Taking your time to finish studying the last entry of the file in your hands, you finally tore your eyes away from the paper for the first time. When they landed on Brass, there was a fierce spark in them that he noticed with worry and made his blood run cold. _

"_Listen carefully. I'm not here to discuss my duties with you, neither my authority.", you countered harshly. "Now, if you don't mind, tell me what you've got."._

_Already you reached for the second case file on the table after you had discarded the first one, starting the same obsessed study like before._

"_Well if you so desperately wanted to see the investigations development, you just had to ask Catherine or Brass or demand the information yourself." Sara stated the obvious._

_You turned your attention from the paper to the brunette, the intensity of your cold glare sent a shiver down her spine, even though she would never admit that. _

"_I'm doing it now, you got a problem with that, Sidle? Or my presence?", came your cool, calculated reply which left the other woman stunned._

"_Why the sudden urgency?" Nick stressed and Catherine continued._

"_Yeah? And how comes that the now Deputy Chief just storms in here and demands case files? After all, it's our job to provide you with the informations in your cosy office so you can lean back and handle the press and Undersheriff for us.". She shared a quick glance at Sara, picking up her previous words as curiousity took over. Then she mentioned to an all silent Jim, "Isn't it his job to inform you on everything on-going?"._

_You knew the answer to this question, of course you did._

_Still ignoring every issue that had been asked of you, you read through the last file until the very end, flipping through pages in order to memorize all the details, facts and photos. Reaching the end, you tossed the file harshly back onto the table. Taking another calming breath to brace yourself, you spoke with as much confidence and determination as possible, your gaze lingering on the table._

"_I'm just about to meet the Sheriff to discuss any further actions regarding the case. He already told me to head up the Haskell task force. I wanted to see first hand were you stand with the investigation. But seeing that you are getting nowhere with the search I decided that I … ", for the slightest moment you hesitated, feeling how the hardly created shell around your careful wrapped up emotions crumbled dangerously, but you pulled yourself together quickly, " … I'm calling in the feds."._

"_You're what?!". You didn't know who it actually was that voiced the words. It could have been anyone of them. Or even all at once?_

_At this point everyone had lost their patience with you, as well as their kindness. Whereas you stayed surprisingly calm, even cool and calculating. But you still weren't brave enough to face them. You couldn't bring yourself to look them in the eyes._

"_I want you to hand everything over to the FBI. Brief them on the latest events so they can start with their own investigation right away and pick up were you stopped."._

_For the second time since you walked into the room, Greg raised his voice at you. "Wait, Sofia … you can't do that …"._

_Not daring to look at him, you just stated, "Of course I can, Greg. And you should know that very well. But please, dare to stop me.". Aware of the rudeness you had just shown him, you admitted that of all people, Greg was the least who deserved this treatment._

_Then you turned to a clearly aghast Catherine, who looked at you in disbelief, her lips parted but unable to form any words, "You heard me, I think the message was just clear.". _

_A snort escaped someones throat and this time you were sure it was Sara, who wasn't amused at all, but rather highly pissed._

"_And here's me thinking there wouldn't be someone more of an asshole then Ecklie. Looks like I've been wrong on that one. I have to credit him though, he taught you well.", then she paused way too dramatically before she smiled knowingly at you. "Well, at least I was right about you all these years ago.". _

_Yep, indeed Sara. And even if she muttered those words under her breath, she voiced them loud enough for everyone in the room to hear on purpose. _

_You didn't exactly know why, but the comment hit you deeply, like a knife stabbing right into your heart, cracking your already thin emotional state. _

_Abruptly you turned and glared at her, before you knew it you snapped back. "Something like that again Sidle and I'll have you suspended! And this time, it will be for good!"._

_Only the thought to be compared with the controversial Undersheriff hurt. You weren't like him. Surely the others knew that. They knew what he had once done to you, how he had treated you when you had stood up for Grissom and by supporting him for the team, too. You had clearly shown your loyalty then._

_But none of that mattered right at this moment, you were well aware of that fact. _

_Even if the brunettes words stung in your chest, you knew you deserved them, you told yourself mentally._

_Sensing the alarming spark in both your and Sara's eyes and knowing that the situation would escalate if nobody was interrupting the both of you, Catherine stepped up in order to prevent her co-worker and friend from getting into any further trouble. So with a firm voice Catherine attempted to diffuse the situation. "Okay everybody calm down, let's not forget we're still working on the same side."._

_Again, Sara laughed in annoyance but kept her thoughts to herself this time, her eyes clearly conveying the words she had in mind._

_Feeling the urge to express his disagreement about your move, Langston took the few steps towards you and tried to reason with you, "I really don't think that is a good idea Chief."._

_Shifting your attention from Sara to the tall man Langston, your eyes bored into him, the look in your own blues just daring him to provoke a reaction._

"_And why is that, Mister Langston?". Hearing the sound of your own menacing voice echoing in your ear almost horrified you. What had you become?_

_At this point you disregarded his reputation on purpose, knowing very well that he had obtained a medical degree. He stood your gaze, tried to read anything in your eyes, but your look was guarded at best, unreadable for him. _

"_Because unless you can tell me Haskell's current whereabouts or at least have evidence that proves he's not about to cross the state border to Mexico, I think it's a very good idea to call in the FBI and let them deal with it!"._

_At that revelation Nick's brows furrowed in growing confusion. "Wait, Mexico? How do you know that he wants to run to Mexico?"._

"_The better question is, why don't you?" you spat in return, slightly more quick-tempered. You were acting injustly and ridiculous and you knew that. How should they know about facts that had been withheld from them? _

_But still your rational mind wasn't ready to give in, instead it only seemed to fire up more._

"_Maybe if you had done your job right during the last couple of weeks, you would have known it yourself. But certainly, if you had done your job properly right from the start then Nate Haskell would have never been on the run at all!"._

_And above everything else, he wouldn't have kidnapped your girlfriend, your life wouldn't have ended in the misrey it had become, you added mentally. It was official then, you had lost control, in any posssible way, for good._

_As soon as these words had left your mouth, you knew you would regret them for the rest of your life. When they were unleashed within yourself, you had no control over your outburst. You knew they weren't true, that you had been out of both, control and line, knew that you had just been unfair and emotionally blinded._

_In complete shock you looked at the faces of your colleagues, each one had reacted to your words in their own personal manner. A curtain of shame slowly clouded your own eyes._

_Your mind only registered moments later what you had said, what damage you had done. You had absolutely no right to accuse your friends the way you did, or to blame them for things over which they had no influence. _

_In truth, that's what all this was about. You were looking for someone to blame for your misery, and ultimately your own failure._

_Somehow in the heated debate with the team you had reached your personal boiling point. Like a volcano, you're emotions had steadily built up until you couldn't take anymore. The slightest push would be enough for your temper to get the better of you. You were a loose cannon, ready for the emotional overload. You knew you had to let off steam, to ease your tension. It had only been a matter of time until you lost it for good anyway - something you had known for a long time. Something that those few close people left around you had warned you about. _

_You had hoped to stifle it for a little bit longer. It was never your intention to let it all out on them. They surely weren't the ones to blame for your situation._

_But it was too late, you couldn't take it back, or undo what had been done. The damage was done and it had been disastrous. It was doubtful if it ever could be repaired._

_After your painful words, an eerie silence filled the room. Everyone was too shocked and stunned by your sudden outburst, not understanding at all what had happened and what they had done to deserve those disregarding words._

_Sharing swift glances at them, all to aware of the damage you had inflicted, all you saw were masked stares. The professionalism had kicked in, clouding their impressions. But nothing could ever hide the visible scar of hurt and disappointment that was clearly in their eyes. _

_Sara for example, was as much of a distant person as anyone could ever be, but her eyes often betrayed her true emotions. Like right now, as a combination of feelings whirled in them, with a mix of disbelief, anger, but most of all disappointment. Or Greg, he looked like a beaten and abandoned puppy. Catherine seemed to be unable to understand what had just transpired in front of her, staring blankly at you, her mouth hanging open, trying to find words to express her bewilderment, but failing nonetheless. Nick and Brass shared the same stoic expression, seemingly paralysed by the scene. Only Langston appeared to be already contemplating his next words to convince you of the contrary, not knowing that whatever he said would fall on deaf ears._

_The first one to regain any sort of composure was Catherine, ever the leader stepping up for her team. "Is that all you have to say, Deputy Chief? Or do you have anything left?". _

_And you couldn't deny the challenging spice in her tone. As well as the fact that she only used your title now, not even addressing your name. As if she wanted to state, 'If you want to accuse this team about anything, say it in front of me now or get the fuck out of this room.'._

_All of a sudden, under all their scornful looks, every strength seemed to drain from your body. You felt tired and exhausted, sensed the upcoming migraine pounding against your skull, your voice had become weak and lacking in confidence, your concentration was lost. Now you were unable to focus on anything. _

_Of course, the shift in your behaviour had not gone unnoticed by the investigators in the room, but before they could say anything you ignored their sharp glances and dismissed them, already taking a step back to the door._

_Watching your rather cowardly departure from the room, Catherine once again raised her voice in anger. "The Undersheriff will hear of this occurrence, you can bet on it."_

_Sighing sadly you picked up on the hidden message behind those words. The lack of your rank and name made it clear to you that you wouldn't mean anything to them anymore._

"_Do whatever you want. Doesn't matter. Just make sure to prepare everything while I'm going to inform the Sheriff and FBI. I want everything ready for them tomorrow morning."._

_Your voice was nothing more than a low-spirited mutter._

_With that you felt the undeniable urge to leave the room as fast as possible. You turned your back on those you once considered as your friends and exited the room as quickly as you had entered it. Gathering the files from the table in your hand you plainly stated, "I assume you have copies.", leaving the graveyard shift behind in their state of shock, disbelief and anger._

_Walking out you felt the burning pairs of eyes on your back and knew you had probably made the biggest mistake of your life._

_You had not only lost your lover, but now your dearest friends as well._

* * *

><p>Parking her black SUV in the underground garage of the Las Vegas crime lab, Sofia stopped the engine and reached down with her right hand to take the keys, but hesitated …<p>

The memories of the encounter with her former colleagues still swirled in her mind, so clear and fresh as if it had only just happened.

For a slight moment she simply sat in her seat, only reluctantly did she pull the key from the ignition, watched her hands tremble and fidgeting nervously with the key in between her fingers.

Where was the inspiring spark from this morning when she had left her house together with Sara with the renewed hope of improvement? In this very second it felt like none of it had lasted and instead had already vanished into thin air.

Again, she heavily debated if she was going to do the right thing, or make yet another great mistake. But then she asked herself what there was left to lose. And the startling realization was nothing. She had already crossed the professional line by getting personally involved in an ongoing investigation as well as hiding the fact from her superior and letting her emotions get the better of her. So now she had destroyed every faith her former colleagues ever had in her. But above all, she most probably had failed the one and only important person that she loved.

The instant in which that particular thought crossed her mind, she felt her chin tremble, felt how her eyes watered. Knowing that she couldn't lose her guard again now, she ripped her glance away from her hands in her lap and instead looked up, fixing the building wall right in front of her. In a move to calm her troubled mind she leaned back in her seat, closed her eyes and took several deep breaths, clutching the tiny metal item in her hands to remind her that she was still able to feel.

Even if she had slept through the last night without interruption and was able to catch up some much needed rest, she felt how her nerves were still stretched to breaking point.

Despite her short period of oblivion, her world was still a mess. A misery from which she found difficult to escape.

But right now, that couldn't be the matter.

Now, the most important thing was that she had to find the strength of character to make amends for her misbehaviour.

Completely absorbed in her thoughts, her solitude was interrupted by a sudden knock on the window. The blonde jolted up in her seat, eyes wide open.

Sofia took another frightened deep breath, swiftly placing her right hand above her chest and willed her erratic heartbeat to slow as she lowered the window down, not ready to exit the car, yet.

When she finally turned to her left, she was surprised to see the worried features of Sara Sidle lean towards her car.

The brunettes hands were raised in an apologizing manner, she was a little dismayed that such a cool controlled person like Sofia had been so taken by surprise. This was totally out of character for the blonde to be caught off-guard like that. Seeing how Sofia had been startled by her intrusion, she waited until the glass disappeared between them and took a step closer.

"I'm sorry I startled you, Sofia." spoke the brunette softly.

One last heavy sigh and a strong nod of her head, Sofia answered, her voice surprisingly even. "You didn't.".

The investigator arched a delicate eye brow at Sofia and her obvious denial while further leaning into the blondes car, resting both her elbows on the doors rail. The questioning look Sara gave her made Sofia relent.

"Well, maybe a little. But it's okay.".

Clearly noticing that Sofia had still not regained her composure, Sara asked carefully without taking her focus off the blonde. "Are you alright?".

It was a simple enough question, but it seemed to cause Sofia more difficulties, leaving her even more confused. But then, it was a good question as well.

Was she alright?

Starring blankly at the brunette, Sofia wondered. The longer she pondered the issue, the more unsure she became of an answer and in the end she did not offer one.

Under a watchful yet concerned pair of hazel eyes, the blonde searched her mind then her heart for a reply but couldn't find one. Slowly taking her blue eyes off the ones studying her, she exhaled audibly, not out of anger but rather out of sheer frustration.

"Honestly, I don't know. I've no idea how I am.", Sofia paused, lowering her gaze back to her hands that had found their place in her lap again, "All I know is … I feel useless … and … empty. Utterly and completely empty.".

Sofia's words left Sara speechless for a while. Even though they went back a long way, never before had they shared such a deep and meaningful conversation. Even more astounding was Sofia's willingness to share her inner most feelings.

Sara had to admit, it was a rarity to see Sofia this way. So vulnerable, even mortal. She knew that sometimes people forgot that side of her exists because of how confident and capable she always seems to be. But in that exact moment and the evening before when Sara realized that she's also very human.

Seeing how the simple question had shattered Sofia's new found strength slightly, Sara spoke again, even more tentative then before.

"You're not useless, Sofia. Don't ever think that.".

The Deputy Chief didn't reply, but just casually nodded her head. A few more seconds passed by until Sara, still leaning into the car, addressed her friend once more, sharing a brief glance at the building in front of them before shifting her eyes back to the blonde.

"Are you ready to go in?".

This time Sofia didn't hesitate to answer, even glancing up to look at the brunette, her voice accompanied by a shy smile.

"No. I think I might never be ready.".

Sara nodded empathetically, but then surprised not only Sofia, but also herself when she released her left arm from the car door and leaned down, to give a gentle, comforting squeeze to Sofia's hand.

A smile graced her lips as a quote came to her mind and she held Sofia's eyes.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.".

It surprised Sofia how easily those words had slipped from Sara's lips, historically it had been Grissom who used such classical texts.

"It takes a strong person to apologize, to admit mistakes openly and to ask for forgiveness. It takes an even stronger person to take that failure, recognize the importance of that mistake and learn from it. And you are by far one of the most strongest persons I've ever met in my life.".

Staring deeper into the brown eyes of the investigator, Sofia found nothing but truth in them. This increased the admiration she held for the other woman.

In return, she pressed Sara's hand in a silent grateful manner.

Sara smiled softly, then nodded at the building and added. "I'm going in. Take another second to recollect.".

After another squeeze of support she had taken her hand back and moved to turn around but halted suddenly, once again addressing Sofia in her car.

"Sofia.".

"Yeah?".

Hovering just in front of the car door, Sara faced the blonde once more with her features softened and voice full of conviction, "You're doing the right thing.".

A split second later, when the words finally registered in Sofia's mind, she whispered, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Sara grinned in reply, giving a final nod before leaving to rejoin her colleagues in the crime lab.

Sofia watched the CSI disappear through the door, her eyes still glued where the brunette had entered the building, once again falling victim to her thoughts.

It was common knowledge that it was easy to lash out and blame others for your misery. But long ago she had learned that what really showed the inner strength of character was when you realized your own failure but principally more so when you claimed responsibility for your actions and apologized to those you had treated injustly.

After last night she swore to herself that it was finally time to take fate back in her own hands. Because that was what Alex would want her to do, what she owed her. Even if that meant she had to turn to others in her despair and come clean.

Holding that thought, together with a clear remembrance of her lover in mind, she finally exited the car, driven by sheer willpower that guided her through the entrance and halls of the crime lab.

With each step she took, she felt the heavy burden on her shoulders increasing in its intensity. At the same time, an unexpected warmth filled her, thinking about her previous conversation with Sara. Somehow it gave her the energy and determination to see it through.

Taking the last turn around the corner before entering the dark room with her typical swagger, she knew there was no turning back.

Now was the time to take responsibility for her actions.

* * *

><p>The first one to enter the isolated layout room was Catherine Willows. To say she had been surprised after receiving the message from the Deputy Chief this morning would be a huge understatement. After what had happened yesterday, she had been deeply bewildered. Now, entering the empty room, she halted in the centre, looked around rather frustrated and let her hands rest on her hips in annoyance.<p>

"Who the hell does she think she is?!" she muttered furiously under her breath.

First asking for this meeting and then not even being present on time in person.

Lost in her own heated thoughts she barely noticed how one after another of her co-workers stepped into the room, first Nick who was soon followed by Greg and Langston. They were almost unnoticed as if camouflaged by a mantle of surprise and disbelief. Silently they watched and waited expectantly.

Hearing muffled steps behind her, Catherine turned around, hands still on her hips, facing her friends.

Looking into their faces, she could tell that the unexpected encounter with their old co-worker had visibly left marks on them, not only physically.

"Hey Cath, what's up? Why call us in so early before shift?", Nick was the first one to speak, arms crossed in front of his chest.

At that moment, Sara slipped silently into the semi-darkness of the room, each pair of eyes following her entry. The brunette greeted her friends briefly with a ghost of a smile. "Hy.".

The rest of the team nodded at her, a set of four eyes watching her intently for a second, sensing her unusual tense posture and the strange vibes she radiated off. For the moment though, they believed it was due to the encounter yesterday. Everyone was pissed, but the bets were high that Sara was already way beyond that.

Choosing a place near the door, she leaned against the nearest wall to the door, crossing her arms over her chest and released a silent sigh. Meanwhile one after another had turned back to their leader, in hope of an explanation for this unexpected meeting.

Catherine turned her attention back from Sara to the Texan. "Honestly said, Nick. I've no idea.".

In return he frowned at her, while Greg looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean, you don't know. You were the one asking for a meeting.".

Catherine then clarified with a casual shrug of her shoulder, "Actually, it wasn't me.".

The men looked at her confused, before Langston asked the one question everyone except Sara had in mind. "If not you, who then?".

Before Catherine was able to answer, a shadowy figure appeared at the doorway, "It was me".

Her voice was instantly recognised, as every member in the room turned towards the doorway. There in the half light, stood no other then Sofia Curtis.

As the Deputy Chief stepped inside the room, the atmosphere changed. She could feel the uneasiness, see the rising sparks of tension, surprise and even suspicion directed her way. There was no such joy of seeing their old lost friend again. The looks she received now were full of mistrust and even the slightest hint of disdain.

Minutes passed by in complete silence, the investigators too stunned by the blondes presence.

Then Catherine's eyes hardened on Sofia and she finally addressed her, voice laced with sarcasm.

"Deputy Chief, to what do we owe the honour of your visit this time?".

Remembering last nights events, she felt an even heavier stone in her heart set. Of course there would be mistrust, she thought. She was surrounded by the most brilliant investigators of the state and yesterday she had demolished them at best. That they would get wary about herr sudden attendance the moment she entered that room was a given, and that they would draw their own conclusions when the Deputy Chief was to come to the crime lab in person was just as obvious. They knew that she was there for some serious matter, very likely case related, that they wouldn't like at all. And what else would it be if not the Haskell case?

For the slightest second she wondered if the mistrust was caused by her position, or if it was personal.

She could argue about it as much as she wanted, the rank definitely intimidated most of the people she was working with. Her mother had already warned her about it.

"_It's all about your rank.", _ she had once said.

It had been the same for her mother, so why should it be any different for Sofia?

Because honestly, it felt like it was something following her all her life. She had experienced it once when she had worked at the lab a few years back. She knew how it felt to be distrusted. She knew how hard it was to gain some sort of trust and acknowledgement. She knew how much effort it took to work for the credit that she deserved. She also knew the opposite feeling, how it felt when she had people that watched her back, knew how it felt to be trusted. Just as much as she knew how quickly you could lose all of it.

And here she stormed in like she owned the place and destroyed every faith that these people ever had in her by simply taking their case from them.

Before she spoke she looked deeply into each of their eyes, taking a deep breath, wanting them to know that her next words were directed at all of them.

"A dear friend of mine pointed out to me how important it is to ease the damage that has been done ... ".

Pairs of eyes watched her with confused looks.

Those words said, Sofia turned to her side, acknowledging the one person that had given her so much support and encouragement, nodded at her in silent gratefulness, sending the brunette a warm sincere smile.

Never realising how her eyes welled with unshed tears she hesitated. It was Sara's supportive nod in return that brought her out of her pause. It was there Sofia felt it again, the once again rising spark of hope she thought had vanished before.

Turning with a look of determination settled in her blue eyes, Sofia spoke firmly.

"I'm here to apologize.".

* * *

><p><em>The broken locks were a warning,<br>You got inside my head.  
>Tried my best to be guarded,<br>I'm an open book instead.  
>I still see your reflection,<br>Inside my eyes.  
>That are looking for purpose,<br>There still looking for life._

_I'm falling apart,_  
><em>I'm barely breathing.<em>  
><em>With a broken heart,<em>  
><em>That's still beating.<em>  
><em>In the pain,<em>  
><em>Is there healing.<em>  
><em>In your name,<em>  
><em>I find meaning.<em>  
><em>So I'm holding on, I'm still holding on.<em>  
><em>I'm barely holding on to you.<em>

_(Lifehouse ~ "Broken")_

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading!<br>Feel free to share your thoughts.  
>Take care &amp; stay safe!<p>

Dragodina


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